Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Thoughts on Miss E

Right now she is stable. I have developed a system of reporting to the social worker of describing her to her social worker. It is based upon the widely refered to, rarely understood, DefCon levels.

For Miss E:
DefCon 1 -- Out on the lawn refusing to go back in, calling the social worker or 911.
DefCon 2 -- get me out of here or I will blow
DefCon 3 -- I hate the people I live with and I don't know how much longer I can take it
DefCon 4 -- The people I Iive with are stupid.
DefCon 5 -- "Isn't it funny how stupid people are?" to "I'm okay, just tired."

She is definitely at DefCon 5. She has been there all week. She is exhausted, tardy every day, and worried about her future (that's a good thing). She is not however complaining about anyone. Given that she has less than 5 months to go in care, I am still hoping that she will make it in this placement. I would have a better sense of it if I knew Marsha even if by reputation. I don't though, and so I really don't have any predictions as to what will happen.

I just know that I hope that she makes it, and that if she doesn't I want to be prepared to take her. So talking to Hubby was the first step in that process. Getting him to agree to doing it if she were within 6 weeks of the end of the semester was a good step.

So...Keeping in mind that I hope she does not need us, what would living with her be like?

For me:
Well, I would go very quickly from being the nice lady who listens to her and gives her rides to the stupid b*tch who isn't fit to raise a dog, is making her own kids neurotic, and should have her license taken away. If she follows her typical pattern, she would quickly see every thing that I don't like about myself and hit on it. When Evan got mad at me he would say things that were so incorrect that I could generally shrug them off. Accusations that I spent more time with the bioboys or that something I said or did to him was something I would never do to them were practically funny. From what I hear, Miss E though has better aim. If she moved in you should all expect regular venting here.

For Hubby:
Well, he would hunker down and avoid her. He has already said that I cannot leave her in the house with him for more than about an hour, and then only with the boys around. Though Miss E has a history of accusing mothers, not fathers, of abuse, he won't take any chances.

For Brian:
This is a little unclear. Brian is doing so much better recently. His new half days at school have seem to have made him much more resilient. He does not get nearly as upset when other people are upset. He might be better able to just ignore her. Certainly his father would be quite prepared to wisk him out of the house and to do things with just the two of them. They might spend a lot of time together in Dad's classroom.

Andrew would ignore her as much as possible. When she was home he would have homework to do in his room.

Bedroom situation:
It would probably be best to convince Brian to move back down to his old bedroom in the finished basement. Since we are talking about a six week period, I would probably bribe the boys by hooking up the cable to their television which is currently for limited video game usage only. Basically, whenever E was home, I would let the boys be in the basement and we would lift our usual restrictions off of electronic time. Since Miss E is very busy with school, work, and track, it might not be a huge increase.

Moving the bedrooms would also be good protection for Andrew, and might even be required by the agency. Though neither Miss E nor Andrew has shown any interest in dating they are both 17 and do both identify as heterosexual (I would not be surprised in the least that identification where to chance for either of them, although I have no reason to expect it). I doubt anyone would be comfortable with them having bedrooms next to each other on a floor with no adults. And yes, it would be Andrew I was protecting. Our fear would be false allegations, not inappropriate behavior.

This is a girl with a history of, minimally, perceiving people around her as emotionally abusive.

Miss E has her own computer and I would definitely do what I could to set up her bedroom so that it was an inviting place. She would be one kid whom I would not try to get to come out and spend time with the family. If she wanted to join us she would be welcome.

So I suppose the big question is WHY. Why would I even think of doing this when I expect it to be so horrible? The answer is pretty simple. First, I'm insane. Second, I have come to care deeply for this girl. She is the way she is because of extreme abuse. She is bright and capable.

If we are talking about less than 2 months, I think we can do it. So if she needs us, we will.

1 comment:

  1. Yup, I wondered that too: Why? Why is she thinking about doing this? I must confess that I questioned whether there was some co-dependence involved (b/c you have mentioned that on the blog as an issue you struggle with) but you do seem genuinely committed to helping E, and it is only six weeks--weeks that could make a huge difference in her life.


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