Evan and college

Evan dropped by yesterday. He showed me his pictures of Europe and played video games with the boys.

His grandmother was apparently not thrilled with him coming over. It could be because he is driving her car and she doesn't want him borrowing the car, at least not as much as he wants to borrow it. Or because he hasn't shown her the pictures yet, or because I am an over-educated yuppy and she doesn't understand why contacting me should be important to her, which is what Evan suggested. Or it could be because she "just being Grandma" which is what Evan's sister, who came along, suggested. Whatever. I know that Evan is not good at reading other people's social cues, so I am not going to worry much about whatever he thinks is going on. I have got along fine with his grandmother every time I have seen her and I am not going to worry about Evan's theories.

Evan seemed cheerful and healthy. He plans to start working where his aunt does sometime soon. He says he will go to school in the fall, unless he decided to move to a city on the coast. He wants to get someplace with a thriving gay community -- although I think he said, "I need to be where my people are."

I think that Evan, like Carl, talk about college mostly because they think that is what I want them to want. Of course I would be thrilled if they went, but I can accept other decisions.

Carl and Evan grew up in families where not everyone had finished high school. Going to college was not something that they had even imagined for themselves. By the time that they are teenagers, it is very difficult for them to imagine doing it.

It is like my friend inviting me to go white water rafting with her. She assures me I am up to the physical demands. She says it will be fun. I'm just can't imagine me doing it. I don't like to watch tv or movie footage of people white water rafting. I don't like feeling frightened. I get sea sick on boats. She tells me it would not be like that, but I can't form a picture of what it would be like. I can't convince myself that I would have fun doing it, or that I wouldn't humiliate myself by failing to do whatever would be expected of me.

There's this other life that I know I can succeed in. My friend may think it is boring. She thinks that I am missing out on genuine excitement and that I would be happier if I took the risk and do what is for her a regular part of her life. I, however, I doing just fine thank you very much. I will stay in my world where I know I can succeed, where I am happy and comfortable.

I think that is the way the boys feel about college. I tell them that it would be better for them to go. They however cannot even quite imagine going.