Hoping for?

Miss E was late this morning. I arrived 5 minutes earlier than planned, as I was not certain if there would be traffic issues. I called her on her cell phone and woke her up. She stumbled out 10 minutes later and I got her to school just after the bell.

She tells me that Marsha and her husband have two "of their own" and a sibling group of 3. Only one is too young for school; and the oldest is 13. Remarkably, she gets a room to herself. I asked her how she likes them and her only answer is that they are "much better than Annabelle." She had something slightly disparaging to say about both Marsha and the 13-year-old.

I find myself sitting here thinking I hope...I hope...

I don't know even what to hope for, what is realistic?

I hope she makes it at this house at least until she finishes the semester. I think it would be lovely if she made it until her birthday in July. I know there is no chance she will stay in care until she graduates.

I hope that if she can't make it with this family she can go back to Annabelle, or the mother before that. I hope they would be willing to have her back. Annabelle's really is the best place for her. There is only one other girl; Annabelle has very reasonable expectations regarding emotional attachment. She is very experienced with teenage girls.

I hope that no matter what else happens she manages to finish the semester.

I wish I did not care quite so much. I know I need a little bit more emotional distance. I will get it again.

I hope that she manages to accomplish just a little of what she says she wants.

It is particularly tough because this is the girl who wants to go to college. She is smart, tough and capable. Her inability to live with other people though is getting in her way of accepting the help she needs to do what she wants.

I hope that after she walks away from care, with a year of high school yet to finish, that she will not fall too hard, that she will be able to pick herself back up and pull it back together.

I hope that my decision to remain in her life in this detached way is helpful to her. I hope that having someone who does not have to help her to be more reasonable, who is therefore able to express unconditional acceptance, is in some small way a comfort to her.

I hope...

I hope she will be okay.