Adoption is not retroactive

This post is about adoption of teens in foster care. Right now I don't have the brain cells to consider implications for adoption in any other situation. It is also written from the perspective of a foster and potentially adoptive parent. (Yeah, our voices get heard the most. Here's one more.) Anyway, I'm going to try to stay away from the particulars with Gary. Though that is obviously what's on my mind, I'm going to try to write a post about what teen adoption.

The main reason for adopting a teen is to give that youth permanency. It is a legally binding promise to be there. It can be dissolved, but it is difficult to do so. I think Gary knows that our commitment to him is already there. Like marriage though there are legal rights that come with adoption. We would be his next of kin, which is handy when you are sick. When we die, he would get a share of our stuff. There would also be the advantage of not being in foster care anymore. Even with an agency as good as ours, there are still inconveniences and stigmas. Nobody else has to deal with someone they never met showing up and saying, "Hi, I'm your new social worker. I'm going to meet with you every month and ask you if you are happy."

It's sort of creepy.

But there's stuff that adoption does not do.

Even if Will was never Gary's genetic father, and even if he ceases to be his legal father, he will always be the man who was his father. Gary is who he is, in part because this man was his dad. Whatever that means, it won't go away. Termination of parental rights is more like a divorce than an annulment.

I don't think we foster/adoptive parents always get that. The first parents and always still the first parents. David's mother lost her parental rights when David was about twelve, I think. David never wanted to see his mother. He called social workers and expressed his concerns about the possibility of his brothers having visits with her. He refused to go places if he thought he might see her.

And he never called her anything other than, "my mom."

He said, "I never want to see my mom again" and "my mom isn't even legally my mom anymore."

I saw that in Gary today. He said things like, "my dad isn't my biological dad anyway. I don't think it really makes a difference if he has parental rights. My dad hasn't been in my life for years."

I kept hearing "my dad."

I said to him, "You know, in some ways, no matter what happens, he will always be your father."

Gary looked at me confused. I said, "He will always be the man who was your father. He is part of what made you who you are. Whatever is good or bad about that will still be true. He will still be the man who was your father."

In the US, when we adopt someone we falsify their birth certificates. We often change their names. We sometimes act as though we can re-write their past. What came before didn't happen, doesn't matter. Or if it does, it is over. We act like the adoptive parents replace the first parents.

We don't. Not really. We substitute for them or succeed them.

Our relationship with our children may be precious and wonderful, and maybe even help them heal, but it does not change the past.

No matter what the birth certificate says.

I don't even know how to title this

It has been a hell of a day, and we are still just in the middle of.

State Worker was due at 11:00am, and Gary made an appearance in the kitchen at 10:00. His father, whom we shall now refer to as "Will" (cause it is nicer than the really bad words I want to call him) called Gary late last evening. Will had several things to say.

He wants Gary to know that he loves him. Gary ruined his step-sisters lives, nearly destroyed the family, and if he wasn't his son, he would have killed him in the most painful way possible. However, because of his love for him, he stood by him all these years. It was hard, because everything was always about what was best for Gary, and no one seemed to care about the rest of them.

He's been wrestling with this decision for a while, but he has decided he wants to terminate his parental rights.

It's not about loving him. See, the state is charging him $250/month child support and he just can't afford that. So he is going to tell the judge that he is willing to forfeit his parental rights.

***We pause here so everyone can say all the Very Bad Words you need to say.***

Gary and I talked for about an hour. If anyone has ever worked to maintain a positive perspective on Will and his choices, it has been me. Still, I did not have very nice things to say about him this morning. At first I cried a bit. I told Gary that I did not understand how anyone would not want to be his parent. I got myself under control though, and then mostly just listened to Gary for an hour.

Then the state worker showed up. "Do you want the business first or the good news first?"

"Business."

"Okay, are you interested in establishing contact with any of your siblings?"

I'll abbreviate this. Basically Gary said he would like information about his half siblings with his mother, but they shouldn't worry about the ones he has through Will. On to the "good news." Again, abbreviating it: Will had a tax refund this year. He owes a lot of child support to the state which he hasn't been paying, so they confiscated the tax refund. They now have over $1200 in an account for Gary. They aren't allowed to give it to him to put into a savings account, though golly, they are glad to hear that is what he would like. They do need to "spend it down" though because it could cause problems with his medical coverage eligibility. Is there anything Gary wants? Say, a computer?

Yeah, that is good news. (Gary's picking one out now).

Then Gary told the state worker that Will had called had expressed his intentions of terminating his parental rights.

The state worker laughed. He explained the reaction the judge would have to that. The state does not look kindly on people wanting to give away their kids. However, if Gary wants the rights terminated, THEY can ask for that. The social worker looked at me and Roland and I said what I have said before, "We are willing to be whatever sort of parents Gary needs: foster, legal guardians, or adoptive parents."

We talked for a while and it was pretty emotional, but it boils down to these options and as far as the worker is concerned it is up to Gary. There are a couple of wrinkles that I will tell you about later.

1. Gary can tell the social worker to oppose termination. In that case Will will continue to be billed for child support, face charges if he fails to pay, and have any future tax refund taken away.

2. At his request Gary, the social worker will tell the judge that he thinks it is Gary's best interest for Will's parental rights terminated. The judge will probably act on that. Since this worker only works with older teens, he has never actually been involved with a termination proceeding. Given that his father is unlikely to fight it, it could happen quickly. If they are terminated there are options.

2a. Everything else remains the same. Gary remains a ward of the state, placed with the agency which has placed him with me.

2b. We take legal guardianship of Gary. This is something the agency ended up counseling against last time. The more I learned about it the more hesitant I was. I kept thinking about what I would have done without them when I learned that Evan was an addict. I didn't want to let them go. I also was worried about not having them between me and Will. I am less worried now about big "what ifs" and if Will's rights are terminated then I don't feel like I need someone to be there.

2c. We adopt Gary. We would have to take PRIDE, have a new home study and I don't know what all, but we would do it. Probably we will sign up for PRIDE so that we will be prepared. I think the thing that Gary finds most attractive about this option is that he could change his name. He hates his first name because he shares it with his abuser (that's two kids I've had who have that issue). Right now, ditching his last name seems like a not bad idea.

Right now he doesn't know what he wants. There is part of him that really enjoys the idea of opposing termination, making his father face whatever consequences that come. He is also inclined to ask for the termination, partly because he doesn't want his siblings to suffer the consequences of their father getting into trouble for nonpayment. He really means that, by the way. It is one of the things where you can see the emotion when he speaks. For all that he wants to protest that he is judged too harshly for what he did, that he didn't fully understand how what he did would affect others, he does deeply regret that others were hurt. If agreeing to the termination is something he can do that will ease some possible pain, he is inclined to do that.

Whether he wants to stay in comprehensive care, be in legal guardianship, or be adopted is something he isn't thinking about, not yet anyway.

There a lot of implications here. We are absolutely willing to be whatever sort of parents Gary needs, and I don't know what is going to happen.

Now here are the wrinkles.

First, the agency isn't in the loop yet. We can certainly go around them, asking the state directly if we can adopt him, but they (the agency) have the power of persuasion. They feel responsible for Gary and won't encourage adoption unless they are certain we are certain. Way back when I had Carl it was different. In those days the agency took legal guardianship for the kids. The youth received no state benefits, even medical coverage. When we considered adopting Carl they just said no. They said it nicely, but they said it, and they had the legal standing to do so.

Second, I haven't said this here, but I will now. Gary's mother was pregnant when she married Will. It is Gary's understanding that his father always knew that he was not Gary's genetic father. If he didn't know, he probably figured it out. Will and Gary's mother are both blue-eyed. Gary is tall, brown-eyed, and has hair that is just shy of being black. He doesn't know the name of his genetic father, but he has been told he is American Indian. Given Gary's appearance, that makes sense.

Now, Will has never denied paternity. That was one of the things that I appreciated about him. If it occurs to him to do so legally, it will get him out of all obligations to Gary. I know there are states where being married to the mother at the birth and having acted as the father would mean that you ARE the legal father, but in this state divorced dads, and dads of kids in foster care, can have their parental rights and obligations terminated if they can prove that they are not the genetic fathers. (I assume that in cases of sperm donation and adoption it is different, but I don't know how the law works in those cases).

The state worker, as I said before, has never worked a termination case before. He is under the impression that if they make the non-paternity part of their case, it will move more quickly too.

Anyway, this is just a recitation of facts. I don't seem to be able to write a post about the emotionals of the day. Maybe later.

Finally a call

Gary's father called. The last time was Gary's birthday, which is in September.

Of course with that much time elapsed there was no way the call could avoid being painful unless it started out, "So sorry son, I've been in a coma the past ten months..." Any other reason for failing to call isn't going to be enough.

Tomorrow Gary's state worker is coming to visit before writing up the report for the next permanency hearing. I told Gary that he should think about whether he wanted state worker to make a change in his file regarding visitation. Right now we are still where we were a year ago. They can't have unsupervised visits until there is one visit supervised by someone who can recommend a change. It is like that because the previous worker had wanted no unsupervised visits at all. The new worker disagrees but feels (or felt a year ago) that there should be some sort of evidence that she was wrong, not just a reversal of the position. We were trying to make it as painless as possible. Gary's father had expressed an interest in everybody getting together. We were going to just have dinner with him, Gary and the agency worker. That would allow everyone to get together and satisfy the state worker.

Now though it is a year later. Gary is almost seventeen. The state worker might be willing to change it to unsupervised visits, if Gary wants them.

He does and he doesn't. He has a lot of intense feelings both ways.

His dad expressed a desire for Gary to have some therapy with his siblings. His dad seemed to think that was a requirement for Gary to be "finished." I assured Gary that no one who could make him do stuff would make him do that if he didn't want to. Gary said that if he thought it would benefit them, he would, but he doesn't see how it could. His whole body language expressed a lot of anxiety when he talked about that. When he thought that maybe his step-mother would be there also confronting him he looked like he might cry.

Gary feels, and I agree, that people over-reacted to what he did. We compared it to Nephew's fire. Burning your father's stuff in the basement and leaving expecting it to burn out (assuming for a moment that Nephew's explanation does accurately reflect what was going on in his mind) is a VERY BAD THING. It was stupid, had terrible consequences for other people, and could have been far worse. It is serious and should not be minimized. On the other hand, having him arrested for the attempted murder of his mother and sisters would be over-kill.

I'm inclined to think that maybe a therapy session in which Gary accepted that anger of his siblings and apologized for the harm he caused would ultimately be a good thing. However, that isn't for me to decide.

I told Gary that if he wanted to meet with his therapist again he could, even if it was just a few times. At first he looked like he wanted that, then he denied that he needed any therapy.

When I was talking to Gary about talking to his state worker I thought about asking if he wanted them to petition to terminate his father's parental rights. I didn't though. I assume that Gary won't want it for all the reasons he didn't want it in December. If such an attempt is made his father will fight it and ...

...oh, something JUST occurred to me. His father may have called because he got a notice of the upcoming permanency hearing.

So much trouble..

So this morning Gary told me a story. A true story. It happened last night and it goes like this:

Last night 3 of Brian's friends (well, two friends and a friend of one of the friends) all did something at one of their houses and then came over here, late-ish, to spend the night. At some point in a late night of video gaming they realized they would really like some soda. There's a chain drug store just two blocks away. They sell soda. One guy has twenty bucks. So the five of them leave. One boy is really, really tired. From a distance one might wonder if he is high or drunk. One boy is hyper (per usual). He is wearing socks and playing "Mission Impossible," tiptoeing along the side of a building.

And the police drive by. They stop. They get out. They say in their radios that they might need back up.

"Do you boys know there is a curfew in Our Small Town?"

The boys are separated. They are asked about drugs, weapons, made to show what they do or don't have in their pockets. One officer, looking at the younger boys, says, "Any of you on probation?" Gary decides that they aren't looking at him and so aren't asking him. He says nothing, knowing that if they ask him directly he will have to tell them.

At this point in the story I have to tease Gary. "That's your third felony in as many months."

"Third!?"

"Yep. Two D's and now out after curfew."

"Oh, yeah, technically the D's can be counted as two."

"Yep. You're bad."

Gary though is having a great time telling me how each boy reacted. Brian is apparently a really bad actor when he is scared. "No sir, we didn't know there was a curfew. We tried to Google it, but we couldn't find it."

The littlest guy (the one playing Mission Impossible) is trying to act tough. The exhausted one, a boy with a mop of curls is saying as little as possible. The police tell them they should take them to the detention center for the night, or at least call all their parents, but they will give them 2 minutes and 30 seconds to get back inside our house. Clearly the police believed their stories.

So Gary was laughing, telling me the story, knowing that I will be cool about it. He said that the kids were so worried that the police would tell their parents. I said, "I'll do that."

For the first time Gary is worried. He told all the boys not to tell anyone. How can he be the one to tell? I said, "Don't worry. I'll tell them the cops called to verify their story." I also advised Gary to tell his girlfriend. Brian and one of the other boys goes to the Art Charter School. She will hear about it.

So I went downstairs. Friend One (a boy who has been part of every serious misbehavior in which Brian has engaged. As Brian said when he was four, "Well... [Friend] put the idea in my head, but when it was there I wanted to do it too") says, "So, I hear Gary told you what happened last night."

"No. The cops called to verify your story, then I talked to Gary."

"Oh." He's got the oh-man-this-is-serious face.

"So, everyone is going to tell their parents, right?"

All three nod. Friend One has that practiced sincere look that impresses adults who haven't known him since he was a baby. Little Guy is just looking at his lap. Curly-headed guy looks nervous. I say, "Because you know that I WILL call them to make sure you've told."

This gets through to Little Guy, whose eyes open wider as he nods again, still not making eye contact.

Curly-head guy introduces himself. Yep, we've never met. I told him my name and then I said, "I have a policy. When kids do something really stupid and as a consequences of doing it they realize how stupid it is, I don't punish them." They all sighed. "Of course, I have no control over what your parents will do." Anxiety returned. "I do want to know though, can I trust you all to spend the night again? Will you promise that you will not go out after curfew, that you will not leave the house without our knowing?"

They all promised.

Brian was asleep during this. As I finished writing the above he came to the kitchen for breakfast.

"I heard you had some fun last night."

"We just wanted to get some soda."

"And what did you learn?"

He grinned ruefully, "The police are everywhere."

Back to School

Took the boys back to school shopping today.

Gary was, I am pleased to report, comfortable just getting out everything he needed. He may be under the impression that the agency pays for routine school supplies. They don't. In any case, we got composition books, notebooks, pocket folders. He even tossed in a fancy cloth zipper case for his pencils and such (the kind that goes inside a binder). It's odd, with other kids I might push them to be more frugal. I'm still so pleased when Gary will allow me to get him things.

Of course it helps that I was shopping with Brian at the same time.

We also got Gary more school clothes. Two pair of khaki pants. I even found one pair that are almost-jeans. Over time one develops an eye for what one can get away with uniform-wise. Their pants have to be navy or khaki. If they are navy they really, really have to be chinos or dressy. Anything cut the least bit like jeans will result in a call home for appropriate clothes. With khaki though they seem to get away with just a bit more.

He got some underwear. The lady shopping with her husband chuckled as I had convinced him that even if he did do laundry twice a week, it was not unreasonable to have enough underwear to go a whole week in a pinch.

To Be Continued

I'm still so very tired. So tired.

I'm trying to find my own place of calm in which I don't get obsessed with other's problems.

My father isn't going to go to China after all. They have informed him that he is too old. He doesn't know what he will do. For most of us that would be a disappointment, but we would cope. For my father, it is worse. Life without something to do everyday, without even the hope that there will once again be something he needs to get up to do everyday is a production "Waiting for Godot" on auto-playback, except without the witty dialogue ... or the cast. Just endless time waiting for something that will not come.

He has no hobbies and no real friends. Life passed him by. I told him that I had recently read The Picture of Dorian Grey. He told me that another scholar recently told him the name of the book that Dorian Grey claims was his ruin. Dad was pleased to informed me that he is one of maybe five people in the world who knows. Then he tried to remember how to pronounce it, but couldn't. I nodded. I did not tell him that the information was almost certainly available on the Wikkipedia. (It is.) My father comes from a time in which scholars were the keepers of secret information. They revealed it in lectures. Now the information is out there, all of it, available to anyone who can type. Professors help students to sort, evaluate, and assess.

He still mourns the canon. He is outraged that students no longer read Milton and instead take courses in "Women's Voices in Latin American Poetry." It is too awful to be borne. Sadly, he can not even find as many people willing to agree with him that it is a tragedy.

So I don't know what will happen to him this year. I don't know if he will find something to do or if he will start drinking again. This isn't the first time that I have seen him in danger of spiraling out of control. As before, I find the thought makes me sad and tired. I know that if he does finally kill himself I will feel many things and one of those things will be relief. I've stopped feeling guilty about that. I've accepted that acoholism is, if untreated, a terminal illness. I know it is normal for the families of people with terminal illness to experience relief when the disease finally runs its course.

And then there is my sister.

I think I am the person she talks to when she is most angry or scared. I think that when she is feeling hopeful, especially about her marriage, she is less likely to talk to me. I understand better than I think she imagines that it would be normal for her to cycle back and forth between those places. I would not repoach her for hoping that her marriage can be saved, that her husband will want to change his ways and be a better father. I understand though.

She called me Friday crying. The nieces finally got angry. They got their clothes back -- a pile of things that were saved and a list of things that could not. They have lost more than the list would indicate. They now have skirts with no top and tops with no skirts. The clothes they were attached to cannot strictly speaking be replaced. They are no longer in style. They are not thrilled to be able to buy the latest fashion. They have very clear ideas (or their church does) about hems and necklines. They like THOSE clothes.

I don't think it is a coincidence that they fell apart the day after their father finally left from his extended emergency leave. I think the clothes matter to them, but that the emotions they are expressing are about everything that has happened. Finding out for certain how much of their own possessions are really lost is just making it real.

I was traveling when I spoke to her and I lost the call. When I tried to call back it went straight to voice mail. Since then it has either gone to voice mail or she has not picked up at all. I do understand. She doesn't want to be upset in front of the kids. She is trying to hold it together. I can accept that she can't talk to me, but still I would like to hear from her.

I know I can't fix things for either of them. I'm not brooding over that. I do however feel like I am reading a bad serial novel, each chapter ending "to be continued."

I need to get some more sleep. I need to get busy in my own life again: start planning my own courses. Something.

First though I may take a long bath.

Another Permanency Hearing

They happen just like clockwork, every six months. We had one in December and so of course there is one mid-August. The state worker, whom everyone finds annoying, is coming to visit Gary on Friday to talk to him about whether he still wants what he says he wants. What he says he wants is to live here, not be a "burden" to us, and ignore his father. He doesn't want his father's parental rights terminated because it would just get his dad worked up and he might make promises that he wouldn't keep and it would be just awful. (Or, you know, his dad might just agree and sign the papers and that would be ever so much worse.)

Gary also doesn't want to be in foster care, however when he weighs that against being a financial burden, he comes down on the side of staying in care.

It makes me very uncomfortable that he feels this way, although I understand it. Whenever it has come up I have told him that he would never be a burden. He nods.

He is more resistant than any of the other kids to the thought that I might be spending money on him. The other boys were certainly pleased that the agency bought things that they could suspect that they wouldn't get otherwise, but they were pleased if they thought I was paying for something. That I would pay for it was for them an indication that I really cared for them. So we would have conversations like this:

"Sure, you can have that."

"Will [the agency] pay you back for it?"

"I don't know, but don't worry, I think I can spring for it."

Then they would grin and put it in the cart.

Gary on the other hand is more likely to insist he doesn't need something. He is taking guitar at school this year. I asked him if he knows what kind of guitar he will need. He says he won't need one at all. He will just use one of the schools. I mention that the school doesn't have instruments for band, we will probably need to get him a guitar. "You know that is okay, right? We bought Andrew a trumpet and we have rented Brian a bunch of different instruments. We will get you the guitar."

"I don't want you guys to do that. I will figure something out."

And then I am in this awkward place. It's the whole not being a burden thing. He will allow his grades to suffer while he determinedly figures things out, even if there really isn't anyway to figure this out. A guitar isn't the sort of thing that I would want to just buy for him. He needs to pick it out.

So I told him that the agency would pay for it.

They probably will. In the past I have had a social worker tell me that they wouldn't support a kid doing music because said kid needed to concentrate on something else -- like finding a job. I don't think that will happen in this case because Gary is working so hard in so many ways -- and because he is going to a high school for the arts. However, if the social worker did say they wouldn't pay for it, I would just do it anyway.

I've fallen into a perhaps unhealthy pattern of letting Gary believe that the agency reimburses me for expenses that they don't reimburse me for. I don't quite lie. Okay, sometimes I lie.

In the short run it always seems to be the right decision. The kid needs the safety equipment for MMA. I'm buying the same stuff for Brian. Gary refuses to acknowledge that he needs it until I tell him the agency will reimburse me, then he is suddenly happy and admits that he really does need it. So I buy it and I don't mail in the receipt.

In the long run, maybe it isn't a good thing. It does get in the way of him accepting that he has a right to expect help from us.

He is a little more relaxed than he was a year ago. For instance, he didn't feel try to order the least expensive things when we traveled. When we did fast food he even ordered double portions a couple of times. When we stopped at a convenience store and I told the kids to pick out two drinks he picked out the drinks I know are his favorites, and they were significantly more expensive than the sodas. I didn't say anything, but I looked at them there on the counter and smiled. It shows he is relaxing with us.

I hope this doesn't sound like I am determined to demonstrate love by buying things. That isn't it.

Anyway, there was a point to this post, what was it? Oh yeah, he has to talk to his social worker on Friday about his case plan. I wish he believed, deep in his heart, that he wasn't a burden to us and that he could tell the social worker whatever it is that he wanted without worrying it.

We're Home

That's really all. We're back. We're tired.

I'll be eloquent, or at least wordy, sometime soon.

Mostly about my father (updated)

Stuff I wrote on vacation:

Wednesday, June 22

It is odd being so far away from any connection to the ‘nets. Here I sit with my laptop, but there is no signal to catch, no Ethernet cord to pull into the computer. There is a phone line, but there is no service to call. The caretaker, who lives in the other cottage, does have internet via dish and I know I could go over to the other cottage and use her computer, but I don’t think I should. The temptation to stay would be too great.

I will be spending some time there teaching my father how to use a Kindle. He is, some of you may recall, teaching in China next year. Before I got here he had never heard of a Kindle. He decided very immediately that he had to have one, particularly since he was going to China. He knew it was going to be difficult for him to learn how to use one, since all the only thing he knows how to do with a computer is check his email, but, well, this is just one of those must learn situations. It wasn’t a must-learn situation yet though. I offered to show him how the Kindle worked. He said he wouldn’t be able to remember. He’d figure it out when he got one.

So we will go to the use the caretaker’s computer later. I will happily buy a book, download it to the computer and then transfer it to the Kindle via USB cord. Here, as in China, it is the only way to get the Kindle to work. At least I hope it will work in China. He doesn’t know anything about what sort of internet access he will have. Not that he would understand if anyone told him. He claims never to have heard of Amazon.com.

I’m very curious as to whether he will be able to remember anything about how to use it. My father is of course a very intelligent man. If it is literature, he knows it. Other things though are a challenge. Every time he visits me he has been impressed by the closed captions on the TV. I turn them on whenever I watch because it is so difficult to catch all the words if the kids are talking. My father though is losing his hearing and has no hearing aids. (No good reason for that. He hasn’t tried them. Says he’s too lazy.) I’ve told him any number of times that they can just be turned on in any new TV.

Andrew and I are watching Battle Star Galatica with Alice. She’s never seen it. So we have been Netflixing the disks. We brought three with us. My father sat down and watched with us.

“This comes with that writing? What did you call it?”

“Closed captions”

“It comes with the DVD?”

“Well, yes, but closed captions are on almost all DVD’s.”

“No shit. So if I go to rent a DVD I can just tell them to give me one with the closed captions?”

“You don’t have to tell them Dad. It’s already there. You just have to turn them on.”

“None of the DVD’s I’ve seen so far have them. How do you find the ones that do?”

“Dad, they all do. You just have to use the DVD remote and select the option to turn them on.”

“So the next time I go to rent a movie I can just ask the people who work there to turn them on for me?”

“No, Dad. You have to turn them on every time you put the DVD in.”

“And it’s there. On all of them?”

“Just about.”

“I’ll be damned.”

Then the next night we put the DVD in to watch the next episode and my father says, “Now tell me again. When I rent a DVD what do I tell them at the store so that they will give me one that has captions?”

So sometime soon I will try to teach him how to shop at Amazon, how to download and transfer files to a Kindle. If he was staying in the US it would be so much easier. I could just give him the customer service number. He could call them and say. “I have this Kindle thing. My daughter says I can read anything on it. How do I do it?”

“Well, sir, when you are at the Kindle Store on the Amazon site…”

“How do I find Amazon on my computer?”

Actually, who am I kidding? He would give me his password and ask me to go on-line and send him the book. I could do it too, if he were in the states. Maybe he will have an assistant in China who will know how to do these things.

He’s very good at getting other people to figure out and do for him. Yesterday two graduate students who will be staying at the cottages for a while after we leave drove the 2.5 hours to come up here to teach Dad and Roland how to use the new boat. Afterwards they sat, ate sandwiches and one told Dad how far he got on the paper work so that Dad would continue to receive his pension check when he was in China. “I’ll have it all filled out soon and then I will bring it to you to sign.” The graduate assistant does not work for my father. Heck, my father is retired from the university. He is however coming up here to stay in the cottages. And he just likes Dad. As my father has said multiple times, “That’s one of the advantages of being a great professor.”

Dad just asked me what I am doing. I told him I was writing a letter and would email it when I got home.

“You can’t email it from that machine?”

“Well, not without internet service.”

“How will you get it from that machine to one with internet service?”

“I don’t have to. When I get home I will just plug in the internet cord.”

“I’ll be damned.”

Yep, teaching him how to use a Kindle will be a breeze.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

My father did not bring enough books. There isn’t a lot he likes to do, other than read. He wants to see us enjoy the games, the boat, the lake, whatever, but he doesn’t want to join in. He doesn’t cook and he certainly doesn’t do dishes or clean up. He reads. When he can’t read he watches TV. As he is losing his hearing, can’t be bothered to get hearing aids, and the TV here is old and does not have a closed caption option, he watches TV very loudly.

This interferes with our ability to enjoy all the wonderful things he has provided. So today I bought him a book on my Kindle. It feels very like buying a kid a new toy because it is worth $10 to keep him occupied for a day.

The caretaker has internet service, but it is satellite and not very good. There are no cell phone towers here, so we had to down load the book from Amazon to her computer. In the end we needed to put the book on a thumb drive, transfer it to my computer, and then on to the Kindle. It turns out that books are very small files. The download took 10 second. Really. That’s what it said. 10 seconds. The transfers were almost instantaneous. Getting the caretaker’s computer rebooted every time it froze was a different matter. In any case, my father is now sitting in the uncomfortable sofa by the window, reading a book, false teeth conveniently placed in his pocket should he need them. (Hey, it is a heck of a lot better than sitting on the side table like they did yesterday.)

I’m not sure quite what will happen next. My father can read a novel in a day, assuming he doesn’t fall asleep much. We have another five days up here. I suppose I could keep buying him books, although I may go into withdrawal. By the way, about the fact that my father regularly falls asleep while watching TV and reading books? You should know that he never takes naps. “Never could take naps. Don’t know how other people sleep during the day.” I have decided that it is not wise to remind him of the times when he visited and told us that he needed to take a nap. He would deny it. Suddenly it occurs to me that “taking a nap” was probably code

He wants his own Kindle, of course. I think it is the hearing issue, but it is so difficult to know when he has understood you. I gave the basic explanation of it. I told him that you can only buy it from Amazon and only in the US. When we were getting his book and he saw the Kindle on the computer screen with $299 on it, he said, “I bet you I can get that for half as much in China!” I tried to explain that he couldn’t get them at all in China, but I don’t know that it sunk in. He can USE it in China. He will just have to download books to a computer and transfer them via the USB cable.

--

Having the Shih Tzu up here has been something like a nightmare this year. I did not have him clipped right before we left. This means that he was sending off more dander during trip. After two days in a minivan with him I was in pretty bad shape, asthma-wise. I used my little breathe-o-meter and it indicated that I was just above the point where I should go to the ER. I spent the evening using my rescue inhaler and sitting quietly while everyone unpacked the car, put away the groceries, all that jazz. I was significantly better by the morning. Everyone knows that anxiety can make symptoms worse, so they all kindly waited until I was better before telling me how awful I looked.

Anyway, the second problem with not having got the Shih Tzu clipped is that this is a very bad place for a dog with any hair at all. When he goes off the deck to explore the trees he comes back with burrs and other sticky things. We have had to cut a lot of them out. As long as I was doing it I cut off a lot of hair on his legs. That is helping with removing the burrs. And yes, doing that grooming did irritate my breathing again.

--

But I seem to be only complaining, don’t I?

My father bought a used power boat (the kind you use for water skiing). We went out on the lake yesterday. We dropped anchor in a cove and swam. It was idyllic. When we got back I popped into the little store. They had a frozen confectionary that I had not seen since I was in high school. I was so excited the man at the counter laughed. All the kids had one, and agreed they were really good. Of course like so many childhood favorites, it now tastes rather too sweet to me, but I don’t really mind.

The kids have been really good about playing games with me. Andrew, Alice, and sometimes Gary have played scrabble with me. Andrew or I win that game. Sometimes we play Rummy, at which Alice has tremendous luck. For a while last night Brian wanted to play too, so we played a double-deck, five-hand game of Crazy Eights.

After the cards Brian said he was tired and we all decided to open The Game of Life. Once you get going it is not a difficult game, but the initial instructions were really complicated. We were all laughing, and nobody could stop laughing long enough to read out loud the final part: “Winning: At the end of the game the Lifepod will use a random formula to calculate a point total for each player.” Random? So, like, it just decides who wins? In the end we learned that the all-powerful Lifepod randomly decides how many life points you get for how much money.

In any case, everything was so silly. In the first game Andrew got a card right off saying that he had just lost $500,000. That put him in debt and the interest per turn was so high he couldn’t get out. So he got reckless. Somehow none of this seems funny now, but really, we were laughing ourselves silly last night.

Monday, July 27, 2009

So, about that boat? Well, yesterday Roland and the boys went to go fishing early. The boat had water in it. Now, I can tell you today that the boat is going to get fixed. It has been towed down to where my father lives. However my father was very upset. He got that boat so that we would all have a wonderful vacation and now it was ruined. Not to worry, the boys said they would take the old boat. Well, the old boat was having trouble too. Probably the outboard motor needed oil.

My father lost it. He stayed fairly calm while there was anyone in the house but me, but as soon as they left, he got up and started pacing. “G-d D*MN IT! The whole F*CKING vacation ruined. It’s f*cking runined. I try to build something so that I can be with my family one time and year and …” It went on for a while. I did try to tell him that we were having a good time, that the boat wasn’t that important. Of course he couldn’t be reassured. He was angry. I stopped trying, just let him deal. The caretaker went to the dump and I decided that I really needed to know where that was.

We all ended up swimming off the dock. We had a good time. Later in the evening the caretaker and Roland went to meet someone about the boat. Dad realized after a bit that they hadn’t taken his truck, which would be necessary to get the boat out of the water. He drove off to save the day and came back in a better mood. Still, he has been trying to figure out how to fix the “ruined vacation.” We haven’t played horse shoes yet, we should do that. He has net for volley ball and badmitten that is better than the droopy one that is out. If Roland helps he will string that up for us and we can play. We tell him we are fine. Everyone is having a good time.

You know, except when he is carrying on about how the vacation is f*cking ruined.

He seems to be bored with the book for now, which means that he is turning on the television really loud again. It is like 100 degrees outside, so it isn’t easy to escape. Right now I am at the caretaker’s house, with Andrew and Alice. Gary has gone swimming with the caretaker. I think Brian went to hang out with Grandpa. Brian doesn’t like it when we all complain about Grandpa. Of course, Brian seems to have been spared all of Grandpa’s bad moods.

Dad was talking the other day about my sister. I forget exactly what he said. He went on about their church, how he had no idea about how terrible that church was. Somewhere along the line I said something about it being good that BIL is leaving soon. Dad said, “What do you mean? He’s been a great husband to her.” Without thinking about what Sis wants him to know and not know (kicking self here) I blurted out, “Aside from running up debt and beating the kids.” Dad said, “Let me tell you about their debt” (in my head I heard the omitted “young lady”), “x amount of that is her student load, and y amount is from when she shattered her ankle and they didn’t have health insurance.” This started a rant about the need for health insurance in our country. I have no quarrel with that. Fortunately I stopped myself before informing him that the debt he knew about was maybe half of the total.

This morning he asked me if Sis had told me, in so many words, that BIL hit the kids. I nodded and said that he church taught that kids needed to be hit. Dad started pacing angrily, saying he never knew that. Then he said that his father was abusive. He knew what it was like to have an abusive father. He looked at me and it seemed like I was supposed to say something sympathetic. Since the only thing I could think of was, “So do I” I just nodded. So I got to hear about his rage towards his parents, the effect it still has on him, and how he has come to realize that the reason he can’t have a relationship with a woman is that he hates his own mother.

It was all a rather bizarre conversation.

There is part of me that wants to tell him that the only down side of this whole vacation is him, but I have better sense than that. And I do appreciate that this is a wonderful place and he is responsible for our having it to go to. It would just be a lot easier if he could relax a little.

Anyway, I feel compelled to tell you that mostly I have having a fantastic time here. I know this writing must make it seem like all I am thinking about is my father. It isn’t like that. My father is just the one thing I feel compelled to write about.

Oh…he was talking to his doctor on the phone in the kitchen. In order to have some privacy(?) he turned his back to us. He asked the doctor about Flomax, “You know, some men when they get to be forty or so need it so they can pee? Yeah, would that increase pleasure at all? Oh, well, never mind then.”

My children are never going to be able to get that out of their minds.

It suddenly occurs to me that I am tired. I’m ready for this vacation to be over. We swam in the lake. Brian has shot, gutted, skinned, and eaten two squirrels. We’ve been on the boat. I’m even beginning to feel satisfied with the number of games of rummy and Scrabble I’ve been able to play.

My father is having a difficult time believing that my BIL has hurt Nephew. He thinks that BIL is a great guy. Surely we are confused. I’m wishing I had never said anything. Of course it turns out that Roland had said something independently, so it wouldn’t have made a difference. Still, when we are alone he often brings it up. Am I sure? Isn’t it just so hard to believe? BIL is such a great guy. He has always liked him so much. It is so hard to believe. The nieces are both great girls. They don’t have any problems. They are doing just fine. If their father was abusive wouldn’t they show some effect? (Um, let’s see… they hate their father. One simply doesn’t react when her brother hits her. The other spends all her time hiding in books. Neither is able to have a conversation with anyone outside the family or church.) Dad asked me if BIL was being mean to Nephew now. I said according to my sister, she was preventing it. She never left the alone and if BIL starts to say anything, she interrupts. Dad responded, “but you said BIL was acting like the fire was no big deal.” “That’s what Sis said.” “Well, then what does he have to yell at him about?”

It is so disorienting to have these conversations with my father. I want to ask him what he found to yell at us about. All our lives he was yelling. I don’t though.

When my father shifts the conversation his abuse, well, it all gets to be too much.

___

Update (July 31):

Someone in China decided that 70, my father's age, is too old. It now appears that he won't be going. He's pretty devastated. He does not do well when he has nothing that he has to do, and without a job he can't make up stuff for himself to do. When we left he was talking about teaching orphans in Ukraine. Given that he admits that he is a lecturer, he does not do discussion or one on one instruction well, I'm a little unclear how effective he will be teaching English at an orphanage. I wonder if he is imagining a bunch of kids obediently listening to a lecture on Hamlet.

Playing in Town

While we were in the mountains I had no internet or even cell phone access. I did have a computer with a word processing program though. I wrote six pages over the 8 days we were there. Mostly what drove me to the computer was my father, although not all of it was bad. I need to go back though and decide what, if anything, to publish.

It was pleasant. Gary and Brian went out hunting varmits every day. Since Nephew wasn't there and the caretaker taught them how to use the guns, I took a deep breath and coped. Brian shot two grey squirrels. He gutted, skinned, and ate both of them. The first he cooked over the fire. The second the caretaker breaded (floured) and fried for him. He also got a jack rabbit, which isn't apparently good to eat. He wanted the pelt though.

I got kids to play cards or scrabble with me every day. It was fun.

We played in the lake a lot. It was good.

Now we are back in civilization. We went to the touristy shops. I got my sister a necklace and earring set that are not as nice as the one from which I lost an earring during my June visit, but I think she will like it. I took the kids to my childhood home. It is not nearly so pretty as when my mother planted flowers and mowed the grass. Now it is quite wild, but it was good. I took them down the street (well, two miles down) to the park where we played and hung out. They were very impressed with the area where I lived. Someday I will stop being so secretive about my identity and I will tell you. You too will be impressed, I promise.

Tonight we are going to eat at a local landmark. Sigh. This extreme anonymity thing can make for some boring posts.

The Shih Tzu had a good time in the mountains, but then Shih Tzu's are pretty much always happy...at least if you are with them. He however got covered, more than once, with burrs. His fur was just over an inch long, but we still could not get them out without scissors. He looked quite ridiculous. We got him a grooming appointment though. The groomer was excessively cheerful, but the dog looks good.

We are happy, but very tired. Tomorrow I might post some stuff up from my writing while we were gone.

I'm back

The trip was mostly wonderful, except when it really stunk. Let's just say that my father decided to do the whole trip clean and sober and there were two afternoons where, if I could have bought him a joint, I really might have considered it. After a lifetime of chemical assistance, he is not good at managing his emotions.

But it was mostly wonderful. I will write more later.

It got excessively hot and I just don't do hot well. I grew up in a place where cool was the norm. I live where summer heat is often above 100 and don't want more of the same on vacation. Yesterday I woke up and asked everyone if they minded leaving a day early. Everyone was okay with it. We cleaned and packed and organized and left.

Fortuantely the caretaker works in a town near my father's, as she is today bringing down all the things we forgot in our hurried departure.

Today we have a full day in the area in which I grew up. First on the agenda is getting the dog to a groomer. We should have got him a close clip before we left. Instead he had a month's growth which left him with just over an inch of fur. That is not good when you are in the mountains surrounded by burs and other stickery things. We had to cut alot of stuff off. He looks horrible -- you know, like someone who knows nothing about cutting hair cut off chunks with a pair of kitchen shears.

I will be back later with many fun updates.

Oh, I haven't had much on-line time, and I haven't been able to make myself open Google Reader. The thought it just too overwhelming. If anyone had any major life event I should know about, please tell me.

In Hotel

Well, the first leg of the journey is over. We left the house at 6am and pulled into the hotel almost 12 hours later. That's about what I expected, given that Google maps said 10 hours travel time.

Roland, Brian, Gary and I went to get dinner. We are in a tiny town; Roland didn't want to eat anywhere local and unpredictable. We ended up at Denny's. Ugg. Alice and Andrew stayed with the puppy while we ate and in exchange get to eat by themselves. Pretty good deal.

I really need to accept the fact that I have asthma. I don't just have asthma in the winter or when I exercise vigorously. I just have it. I need not to stop using my daily inhaler because it is summer. You know, because I could end up on a trip with the Shih Tzu on my lap and an air conditioner vent blowing right over it.

Tomorrow we drive fourish hours (not counting stops, and there is a mighty tempting place to stop) to the city where my father lives. There we will eat lumch and shop. After that it is 2ish hours of curly mountain roads. I'm thinking about take motion sickness meds and sleeping.

Gary is still a blast to take on vacation. Though he came out last year, Still, going on a trip for fun is still new and exciting for him. He appreciates views.

Well, I'm going to sign off. I don't anticipate having internet access again for a while.

I've decided to turn off comment moderation. Be good, y'all.

Sister Falling Apart

Well, she'll pull it back together, but I happened to call her when she finally had some time alone so she could, you know?

The smallest problem is that they are going to have to stay in hotel rooms for 2 or 3 months. There was a small house they could rent, but it turned out they would have to pay thousands in deposits and hook-up fees and they just can't do that. They did find a hotel room with a full kitchenette, where "full" means 2 burners. That hotel does have suites with bedrooms, but none that are available for 2-3 months. The only room they can stay in the whole time is a one-room suite. She is nervous that the she and the kids will go crazy in there.

She is not hearing from anybody regarding Nephew. Right now she feels like the fire marshal promised intervention services only to get a full confession so she could close the case. She did find out that Nephew can see the therapist he previously established a relationship with, but she's setting that up all on her own. She wants Nephew to get help, but also thinks that having some contact with juvenile justice would be good for him. She doesn't want him to go to detention, but she needs for him to understand that this is serious.

I don't know if she thought about it in quite this way, but she was hoping that the fire would be a transforming event for her husband. She expected that having his son burning his things in the basement, nearly burning down the house and killing the family would make him reconsider his parenting approaches. Nope. Oh, he isn't hitting the kids because Sis won't leave him alone with the kids. He isn't even insulting the kids, much, because Sis yells at him every time he starts.

She's really unhappy and can't imagine being married to him forever. Of course, she is currently a full-time student and I don't think she is making very much money from cleaning.

My brother in law has a regular leave in August but she says she is going to tell him not to bother coming home. She will use the cramped hotel room as an excuse. I don't know what he will do. He might stay away if it wasn't that there were so many decisions to be made on the house.

Because of the blessed internet, and the willingnes of some of you to reveal your locations, I was able to reach out to someone who lives not in her town, but at least in her state. So I have someone who will be calling her and talking to her about a support group, which Sis says she is now interested in going to. I thank the internet peep from the bottom of my heart. You know who you are.

I feel so very grateful for the internet today. Thank you all.

Getting Ready to Go

Yesterday I was making people crazy, acting like my mother in law. "Do you have something to read in the car? You know we could spend 40 hours total driving." "Did you get your prescriptions filled?" "Does everyone know where their mp3 players/Gameboys/cell phones are? Well, are you going to be able to travel without complaining if you don't find them?" I resisted the urge to ask them to predict exactly where on the trip they would want to stop for lunch so that I could do internet research and find somewhere interesting to eat.

I'm a bit nervous because on Monday we are committed to 10 hours driving time. I don't think Roland fully realizes that that does not mean 10 hours travel time. I'm planning on getting everyone into the van by no later than 6am. We have hotel reservations for Monday evening. Tuesday it is 3-4 hours to the town where my father lives. We will get lunch, shop, and drive the next 2+ hours to the cottages.

Plans for who will sleep where keep getting shifted around. Now that my sister and her kids aren't coming at all, we have more options. Right now it looks like Alice and I will share a bedroom, Roland and Andrew will share, and Brian and Gary will be in blow-up mattresses in the living room. We did buy Gary the tent and thin air mattress he wanted. He insists that he is going to sleep outside. I have my doubts about that. He said once that he knew just where he could put the tent -- he just would need to "dig down to get rid of the rocks." I did try to explain that it is a mountain and it is rocks all the way down, but I don't think he believes me. He also was under the impression that he was going to be able to have a camp fire burning all night to keep away the wild animals, but that isn't going to happen. Last year he closed the window over his bed because he heard some sort of critter outside and it made him nervous. He insists that it won't make him nervous when he is in a tent. Right. In any case, he has it.

I am, by the way, just hip enough to think it is sort of silly that I am bunking with Alice and Roland is bunking with Andrew, but not nearly hip enough to suggest Alice and Andrew share a bedroom. Actually, I'm pretty sure Andrew and Alice are not prepared for me to be that hip either. Still, it does seem silly.

The weather forecast is for temps in the 90's every afternoon. That is definitely hotter than last year, but it is also a month later in the summer. I'm guessing we will be spending most afternoons at the lake.

I bought the Shih Tzu a life jacket. He loved the water last year, but is a terrible swimmer. He was wading on boat ramp one day. He walked off the edge and dropped into water over his head. He was in a bit of panic until he found the concrete ramp. It was sort of pitiful. So this year I bought a life jacket. Brian just got home, saw the life jacket and reminded me about how he wanted to buy one last year (with his own money!) and I talked him out of it. "You said it was a bad decision and now you bought one, so I was right and you were wrong! Ha!"

"That feel good?"

"Yep."

"I'm glad."

I took Gary to a huge used bookstore this morning and told him that I would spend about $10 on books for him. That could have got him at least 3 paper backs. Instead he picked out one large hardback fiction book. I don't censor the kids' reading materials, but I did roll my eyes as I paid out good money for a book from the "Left Behind" series. I think he picked it out to see if I would really buy it, but he insists he has read others and they are really, really good.

Anyway, we still need to

• write a menu and grocery list for the days at the cottage
• print out maps and information for the hotels where we have reservations (Roland might have done that),
• buy a few more things for the housesitter
• get cash for the trip and to pay the housesitter
• buy food for eating in the car
• pick up our refilled prescriptions

Let's see...something else.

Oh yeah, I have to pack.

Discussion & Comments

I am going to be monitoring comments for a while, but I want to talk about why. There have been some harsh comments left here. They have not been directed at me, but rather at someone for whom I have been sympathetic.

Well, one comment directed to me was perhaps harsh, but also entirely fair. I expressed sympathy for foster parents who had to let a child go and did not express any sympathy for the child who was about to lose yet another family. That commenter was correct, and I offer no defense. I wish I had given expression to my feelings and thought for not only the foster parents but the also for the child, whose welfare is the point of what we do, and for the child's parent who, from what I have read, loves his son and is struggling to be the parent again.

Comments left here regarding the other foster parents I think have been too harsh, and I am sorry that I brought negative attention to them.

I think that as foster parents we have to be able to take that sort of negative attention. We are the only members of this system who chose to play a part. The children and their parents certainly did not chose this. Parents were told that they were not good enough to take care of their kids, that those kids would go somewhere safe, to someone who could and would take care of them. That someone who was supposed to do a better job was us.

When parents are told that we are better caretakers for their children than they are, and then we disrupt a placement for whatever reasons, those children's parents are not unreasonable in their fury. How was this better than being with them?

Of course, I cannot say that it is.

There are so many cases, and it is easy for all of us, natural parents, foster parents, and adoptive parents to see all cases as similar to ours. I have given care to boys whose parents were in jail, dead, or, in Gary's case, have refused to take them home. I have no doubt that they love their children fiercely, but providing them with care is not something they could do, at least not at the time. It is fairly easy for me to see the complexity of the decisions that the parents of my children have had to make. I have sympathy for them. I know their emotions towards me are complex. The children we both love have it the hardest.

I think I understand Gary's father's pain, and the pain of the foster parents who have asked for removal, because I too have been in the position of concluding that the only way to keep one child safe was for another child to move.

Gary's biological, real, natural father had to make that decision. He and his wife decided that the safety of her daughters required Gary's removal. I believe that Gary could now safely live with his siblings, but it is not my call to make. His father, who has also sent his biological daughter away to live with extended family, has chosen his wife, her daughters and the younger kids they have together. I understand that at the same time I know it hurts Gary.

I asked for both Ann and Frankie to be moved. Both of them had wanted to leave. Ann wanted to go back to her previous foster home (where she had lived for 7 years) and Frankie knew the only way to get out of the school he hated was to move. Neither of them knew at the time that one of the reasons they were getting what they told the social worker they wanted was that I was concerned about the effect they were having on the other children. Even so, those failures on my part, my inability to give those kids what they needed, are still the most painful periods of my history of doing care.

And yeah, poor, pitiful me. Though I know other foster parents who have gone through that will understand and sympathize with me, I don't expect foster alumni or parents who have had their children remove by protective services to have any sympathy for me at all. Why would they? I chose this. I was supposed to be able to do it. Children and their parents were told that they would be placed with me, and people like me, because we were better able to care for those children than their natural parents. I feel bad because I could not live up to my ideal of myself as a rescuer of children? Well, boo hoo.

Of all the people caught up in this system who hurt, my pain is the least.

Of course that is why we foster parents offer support to each other. We should not expect the world to view our pain as the most important. When it does, when the tragedy or our lives is portrayed as more important than the pain of the children we care for, something is out of whack.

So all of this is to say that I understand the comments that have been left here. I disagree that the foster parents for whom I have sympathy are bad people. I think think they are good people, and I think they have tried hard to keep all the children in their home safe. I believe them when they say that are doing what they must. I know their pain is real, and I want to offer them comfort.

And at the same time, I do not expect that parents of children in foster care or children in foster care will have sympathy for that pain.

Anyway, I am going to be leaving in a few days and I am nervous that the blog could be hijacked by people on both sides. For the next few days, feel free to discuss the issue here. Feel free to express your feelings. As long as you show respect for others, your comment will be published. Starting Monday no comments will be published for about two weeks.

I have more I want to say about all this, but it will have to wait.

Sometimes the Red Cross is too fast

You know, like when they hear that a soldier's house burned so they get that soldier on a plane right away, before anyone was able to talk to the soldier first to say, "Hey, um ... your son set the fire. Maybe you want to take a couple of deep breaths before you go home."

So shortly after talking to me on Sunday, after telling me that BIL would be delayed for some unspecified amount of time, she was informed that she needed to go pick him up at the airport. Nephew got permission to spend a couple of days, or weeks, whatever, with some neighbors and Sis and the nieces went to pick up BIL. The nieces told sis that they were getting stomach cramps from being anxious.

So, they got BIL and drove back to a buffet and when the girls had filled their plates Sis held BIL back and told him that Nephew set the fire, and that the fire department, children's services, and EVERYone knew EVERYthing. She told him that Nephew was at a neighbor's because he was afraid. Apparently he coped with it fairly well, although that maybe partly shock.

Sis didn't give me a lot of information about how BIL took it all. BIL however did call Nephew and told him it was okay and asked if he wanted to swim with him at the hotel. Sadly, BIL did not have swimming trunks. By the time he bought some and got Nephew it really was too late to swim. Nephew feels like it was just a trick to get him to come back.

BIL had one conversation alone with Nephew. After that Nephew went to walk the dog with Sis and, In Sis's words, "It was Dad this, and Dad that, the whole time." When she got back she took a walk with BIL and told him that he cannot be alone with Nephew. She said it was partly for his (BIL) protection. Things were too tense right now and Nephew could report anything. She also said that she loved him, but couldn't tell him why. She said she wanted to stay married, but not like this. Things would have to change and he would have to go to therapy.

Her voice was shaking with fury whenever she talked about BIL. All of her anger about the fire, about everything, is going to him. She says that it was her fault that they stayed in the church. He had wanted to leave years ago and she didn't. Other than that though, everything is his fault. I'm afraid I did tell her that legally she was responsible for failure to protect her kids if she knew he was hurting them (which she did) and she did nothing about it. She accepted that.

This is the first phone call I've had with her in which she sounded angry. Before she was sad, or competent, or overwhelmed, but this time she was pissed. She says she feels like she found herself again. "I'm not this meek person who gets pushed around. I'm the dominant one who takes charge!" She is feeling fiercely protective of the kids. She told Nephew that she would keep him safe. Nephew was afraid that that meant he might have to leave his mom. Sis said that if he wasn't safe with his dad that either Dad would leave or she and he would leave. She promised that he never had to be alone with his dad.

Nephew is not happy that he can't see the same therapist he saw before. He has to see someone, a man, who is a specialist in kids who set fires. Sis says she told Nephew that she knows he is angry and he has every right to be angry, but he needs help in dealing with the anger. This was serious. They could have all died.

Anyway, Sis hasn't heard from anyone. She says tomorrow she is going down to the therapists office and just sit there and refuse to leave until she can talk to him and get an appointment. She's frustrated that she hasn't heard from anyone this week. She doesn't know if child protection or juvenile justice will be involved. She's prepared for that, but no one has called.

On the up side, the insurance company found a three bedroom house for them to rent. Niece2 will be able to walk to school. (Yes, the terrible church/school where kids like Nephew are paddled for their sins ... like not doing their homework.) BIL is handling all the insurance paperwork and spending his day doing the inventory at the house. Sis is very relieved he is handling that. He is here for 2 weeks and then will probably still be back for his leave in August. At that time they will make as many decisions about the house as they can. They will have to be picking out cabinets, everything. Sis is torn between not wanting to deal with BIL and glad to have help with all the decisions.

Sis is shocked at how deep the damage is. The duct work for the heating system is ruined. The wiring is destroyed. They have said that in some places even the house's frame will need to be repaired.

Anyway, we can't talk until the weekend. BIL doesn't want to change the cell phone plan to one with more minutes. Seems fairly stupid to me. Sis has needed to be on the phone and has surely gone over, but well, there it is. I will be able to talk to her on Saturday when she has free minutes.

Endings Hurt.

The Mamas at Mama Drama Times Two could use some support. Those of you who know the pain of having to let one child go to protect the others, and even those who don't, please give them a virtual hug.

but maybe...

It is ultimately a good thing that BIL is in town right now.

I mean the fire marshal from the juvenile program interviewed Nephew on Friday. By law she has to report what she learned to CPS within 48 hours. Having the abusive a-hole in town might mean that more is done in response to the report.

One can hope.

Conversation with Nephew

I called my sister's cell phone. Nephew answered it. I woke him up, cause he is a teenager and sleeps all day. Sis is at the house doing inventory and may be there all day..

...and my brother in law is with her. He will be home for 2 weeks.

I was hoping for something different, but there it is.

I asked Nephew how stressful it was to have his Dad back. He said a lot. He seemed sort of wary, wondering if I was going to lecture him. He asked if we were going to the cottages and then said that maybe he would still get to fly out on his own. "Probably not though, but I want to." I didn't respond to that because I don't think the authorities would allow him to and I we don't want to be responsible for him here.

So I asked him if he could keep himself safe ("yeah") and if he was seeing his therapist soon ("I don't know"). I said I hoped it was soon because I thought he probably needed someone to talk to ("Yeah").

Then I told him that I hoped he knew that we all believed in the man he could grow up to be. "I have confidence in you, Nephew. You can do this."

"Yeah, I know" he said, sounding in that teenager tone that sounds like "yeah, whatever" but is cover for "thank you." (BTW, "Yeah, I guess so" is often teenager for "would you really? that would be SO GREAT. Sadly it is not cool for me to appreciate you, but yes, I would like you to do that.")

I finished off say, "Okay, well, work hard, climb mountains, be great!"

He laughed and said, "Bye Aunt Yondalla."

"Bye Nephew."

---

Meanwhile, I am hoping that my BIL is able to cope with this in a non-abusive manner. I have my doubts. I don't think he is capable of forgiving, even if he combines that with being stern. I'm afraid that the best he may be able to accomplish will be ignoring Nephew, shunning him. I'm afraid that that will not be much better, if it is better at all. I don't know what will happen, but I am nervous.

Thinking about the fire & Nephew

My thoughts keep drifting back to the fire that my nephew set. I get burning his dad's things. Makes perfect sense. Setting fire to some of his things, going to bed and pretending to sleep while waiting for the fire alarm to go off is much more difficult to understand. Did he have a rescue fantasy? Did he, I don't know, just want to get caught?

I suddenly remembered that Sis said BIL was due to come home for a couple of weeks sometime soon. That Nephew would escalate now makes perfect sense. At some level it is a scream for help. "MY DAD IS COMING BACK. SOMEONE HELP ME." I get that. I want to believe that if he had continued with his counseling this would not have happened. He might have been able to tell his therapist that he was afraid of his dad coming back and that he was burning his dad's stuff and thinking about setting a bigger fire.

Anyway, I read a long handbook (well, skimmed some parts of it) about Juvenile Firesetter Intervention. I also looked at the web pages for his state and town. It is giving me a better idea of what the process is.

They have had an initial interview with a fire marshal which has determined that a juvenile is responsible for the fire. So a fire marshal from the Juvenile Intervention program has conducted longer interviews with Nephew and Sis. They have learned that he has set many fires in the past, has experimented with accelerants, has done so in order to destroy his father's property (i.e. he hasn't just been curious and experimenting). One reason this particular fire is troubling is that he made no attempt to put it out or get help, or even supervise it to ensure it did not get out of control. He went to bed and pretended to be asleep. It is not clear what he imagined was going to happen. Did he have a fantasy about rescuing them? Did he intend to kill them all? There is no evidence of this, at least not so far. Or did he just imagine that this time people would see without having a clear thought about what exactly would happen? Though I am curious about his intent because I want to understand it, the fire marshal will be interested in intent because it makes a difference in how they respond. If he had "criminal intent" then it is arson.

It is clear that this is related to the expectation that his father was going to be home in a month or so to spend a couple of weeks with the family. Nephew's fire definitely falls into the "cry for help" category, which doesn't eliminate the possibility that he also had the intent to cause damage to person or property (beyond the couple of items of his dad's that he initially burned).

Anyway, the interviews with the juvenile program person was on Friday. They learned about Nephew's abuse. My sister has been doing her own version of "crying for help" by being totally honest with every physician, therapist, and now fire official about both Nephew's past behaviors and BIL's abuse. It seems to me that she is begging them to tell her that she can't let her husband come home. They also learned about the abuse from the church/school because Sis would not sign the release for them to interview the pastor. Today the fire marshal will probably start attempting to interview other people in Nephew's life. There are not a lot of them, but they will certainly include people from the public school he has attended.

The fire marshal should also file a report with child protection. Given that the abuser is not currently living in the home, I don't know how much they will do. I know my sister would be relieved if they showed up and told her that he can't come back. I doubt that will happen though. I think it is more likely that they will either decide that there is no need for immediate action on their part but that they should keep an eye out for when/if the father comes back. I'm guessing there. I am HOPING that this prompts an investigation of the church/school.

Though Nephew will have to take a fire safety class, no one thinks that will address the issue. The fire marshal has already said that he will have mandated counseling and that Nephew will have to go a full year with no negative reports before he is "in the clear." To me that sounds like there will be involvement from juvenile justice. That could mean a whole range of things. I am hoping we will have a clearer idea sometime this week. I don't expect detention, but I would guess there would be someone who has the role of a probation officer. I know my sister said that there was no way she could go on the vacation to the cottages even if she wanted to. She has to be taking her son to a lot of appointments.

I have been trying to understand this. I don't know how compulsive fire setters are. Is it like cutting? I know that kids who cut don't just stop. When they are under stress they feel the need to cut and cutting makes them feel better. Is my nephew's relationship with fire like that? Will learning in this dramatic way that the fires he set can be dangerous make him back away, or will it make fire-setting more compelling? Does he present a continuing threat to the safety of others? How successful are these intervention programs for kids this old and who have set fires this damaging?

And will anyone tell my sister, or my brother-in-law that he shouldn't come home, or will they just sit back and watch to see what they do?