Sister Falling Apart

Well, she'll pull it back together, but I happened to call her when she finally had some time alone so she could, you know?

The smallest problem is that they are going to have to stay in hotel rooms for 2 or 3 months. There was a small house they could rent, but it turned out they would have to pay thousands in deposits and hook-up fees and they just can't do that. They did find a hotel room with a full kitchenette, where "full" means 2 burners. That hotel does have suites with bedrooms, but none that are available for 2-3 months. The only room they can stay in the whole time is a one-room suite. She is nervous that the she and the kids will go crazy in there.

She is not hearing from anybody regarding Nephew. Right now she feels like the fire marshal promised intervention services only to get a full confession so she could close the case. She did find out that Nephew can see the therapist he previously established a relationship with, but she's setting that up all on her own. She wants Nephew to get help, but also thinks that having some contact with juvenile justice would be good for him. She doesn't want him to go to detention, but she needs for him to understand that this is serious.

I don't know if she thought about it in quite this way, but she was hoping that the fire would be a transforming event for her husband. She expected that having his son burning his things in the basement, nearly burning down the house and killing the family would make him reconsider his parenting approaches. Nope. Oh, he isn't hitting the kids because Sis won't leave him alone with the kids. He isn't even insulting the kids, much, because Sis yells at him every time he starts.

She's really unhappy and can't imagine being married to him forever. Of course, she is currently a full-time student and I don't think she is making very much money from cleaning.

My brother in law has a regular leave in August but she says she is going to tell him not to bother coming home. She will use the cramped hotel room as an excuse. I don't know what he will do. He might stay away if it wasn't that there were so many decisions to be made on the house.

Because of the blessed internet, and the willingnes of some of you to reveal your locations, I was able to reach out to someone who lives not in her town, but at least in her state. So I have someone who will be calling her and talking to her about a support group, which Sis says she is now interested in going to. I thank the internet peep from the bottom of my heart. You know who you are.

I feel so very grateful for the internet today. Thank you all.

Sometimes the Red Cross is too fast

You know, like when they hear that a soldier's house burned so they get that soldier on a plane right away, before anyone was able to talk to the soldier first to say, "Hey, um ... your son set the fire. Maybe you want to take a couple of deep breaths before you go home."

So shortly after talking to me on Sunday, after telling me that BIL would be delayed for some unspecified amount of time, she was informed that she needed to go pick him up at the airport. Nephew got permission to spend a couple of days, or weeks, whatever, with some neighbors and Sis and the nieces went to pick up BIL. The nieces told sis that they were getting stomach cramps from being anxious.

So, they got BIL and drove back to a buffet and when the girls had filled their plates Sis held BIL back and told him that Nephew set the fire, and that the fire department, children's services, and EVERYone knew EVERYthing. She told him that Nephew was at a neighbor's because he was afraid. Apparently he coped with it fairly well, although that maybe partly shock.

Sis didn't give me a lot of information about how BIL took it all. BIL however did call Nephew and told him it was okay and asked if he wanted to swim with him at the hotel. Sadly, BIL did not have swimming trunks. By the time he bought some and got Nephew it really was too late to swim. Nephew feels like it was just a trick to get him to come back.

BIL had one conversation alone with Nephew. After that Nephew went to walk the dog with Sis and, In Sis's words, "It was Dad this, and Dad that, the whole time." When she got back she took a walk with BIL and told him that he cannot be alone with Nephew. She said it was partly for his (BIL) protection. Things were too tense right now and Nephew could report anything. She also said that she loved him, but couldn't tell him why. She said she wanted to stay married, but not like this. Things would have to change and he would have to go to therapy.

Her voice was shaking with fury whenever she talked about BIL. All of her anger about the fire, about everything, is going to him. She says that it was her fault that they stayed in the church. He had wanted to leave years ago and she didn't. Other than that though, everything is his fault. I'm afraid I did tell her that legally she was responsible for failure to protect her kids if she knew he was hurting them (which she did) and she did nothing about it. She accepted that.

This is the first phone call I've had with her in which she sounded angry. Before she was sad, or competent, or overwhelmed, but this time she was pissed. She says she feels like she found herself again. "I'm not this meek person who gets pushed around. I'm the dominant one who takes charge!" She is feeling fiercely protective of the kids. She told Nephew that she would keep him safe. Nephew was afraid that that meant he might have to leave his mom. Sis said that if he wasn't safe with his dad that either Dad would leave or she and he would leave. She promised that he never had to be alone with his dad.

Nephew is not happy that he can't see the same therapist he saw before. He has to see someone, a man, who is a specialist in kids who set fires. Sis says she told Nephew that she knows he is angry and he has every right to be angry, but he needs help in dealing with the anger. This was serious. They could have all died.

Anyway, Sis hasn't heard from anyone. She says tomorrow she is going down to the therapists office and just sit there and refuse to leave until she can talk to him and get an appointment. She's frustrated that she hasn't heard from anyone this week. She doesn't know if child protection or juvenile justice will be involved. She's prepared for that, but no one has called.

On the up side, the insurance company found a three bedroom house for them to rent. Niece2 will be able to walk to school. (Yes, the terrible church/school where kids like Nephew are paddled for their sins ... like not doing their homework.) BIL is handling all the insurance paperwork and spending his day doing the inventory at the house. Sis is very relieved he is handling that. He is here for 2 weeks and then will probably still be back for his leave in August. At that time they will make as many decisions about the house as they can. They will have to be picking out cabinets, everything. Sis is torn between not wanting to deal with BIL and glad to have help with all the decisions.

Sis is shocked at how deep the damage is. The duct work for the heating system is ruined. The wiring is destroyed. They have said that in some places even the house's frame will need to be repaired.

Anyway, we can't talk until the weekend. BIL doesn't want to change the cell phone plan to one with more minutes. Seems fairly stupid to me. Sis has needed to be on the phone and has surely gone over, but well, there it is. I will be able to talk to her on Saturday when she has free minutes.

but maybe...

It is ultimately a good thing that BIL is in town right now.

I mean the fire marshal from the juvenile program interviewed Nephew on Friday. By law she has to report what she learned to CPS within 48 hours. Having the abusive a-hole in town might mean that more is done in response to the report.

One can hope.

Conversation with Nephew

I called my sister's cell phone. Nephew answered it. I woke him up, cause he is a teenager and sleeps all day. Sis is at the house doing inventory and may be there all day..

...and my brother in law is with her. He will be home for 2 weeks.

I was hoping for something different, but there it is.

I asked Nephew how stressful it was to have his Dad back. He said a lot. He seemed sort of wary, wondering if I was going to lecture him. He asked if we were going to the cottages and then said that maybe he would still get to fly out on his own. "Probably not though, but I want to." I didn't respond to that because I don't think the authorities would allow him to and I we don't want to be responsible for him here.

So I asked him if he could keep himself safe ("yeah") and if he was seeing his therapist soon ("I don't know"). I said I hoped it was soon because I thought he probably needed someone to talk to ("Yeah").

Then I told him that I hoped he knew that we all believed in the man he could grow up to be. "I have confidence in you, Nephew. You can do this."

"Yeah, I know" he said, sounding in that teenager tone that sounds like "yeah, whatever" but is cover for "thank you." (BTW, "Yeah, I guess so" is often teenager for "would you really? that would be SO GREAT. Sadly it is not cool for me to appreciate you, but yes, I would like you to do that.")

I finished off say, "Okay, well, work hard, climb mountains, be great!"

He laughed and said, "Bye Aunt Yondalla."

"Bye Nephew."

---

Meanwhile, I am hoping that my BIL is able to cope with this in a non-abusive manner. I have my doubts. I don't think he is capable of forgiving, even if he combines that with being stern. I'm afraid that the best he may be able to accomplish will be ignoring Nephew, shunning him. I'm afraid that that will not be much better, if it is better at all. I don't know what will happen, but I am nervous.

Thinking about the fire & Nephew

My thoughts keep drifting back to the fire that my nephew set. I get burning his dad's things. Makes perfect sense. Setting fire to some of his things, going to bed and pretending to sleep while waiting for the fire alarm to go off is much more difficult to understand. Did he have a rescue fantasy? Did he, I don't know, just want to get caught?

I suddenly remembered that Sis said BIL was due to come home for a couple of weeks sometime soon. That Nephew would escalate now makes perfect sense. At some level it is a scream for help. "MY DAD IS COMING BACK. SOMEONE HELP ME." I get that. I want to believe that if he had continued with his counseling this would not have happened. He might have been able to tell his therapist that he was afraid of his dad coming back and that he was burning his dad's stuff and thinking about setting a bigger fire.

Anyway, I read a long handbook (well, skimmed some parts of it) about Juvenile Firesetter Intervention. I also looked at the web pages for his state and town. It is giving me a better idea of what the process is.

They have had an initial interview with a fire marshal which has determined that a juvenile is responsible for the fire. So a fire marshal from the Juvenile Intervention program has conducted longer interviews with Nephew and Sis. They have learned that he has set many fires in the past, has experimented with accelerants, has done so in order to destroy his father's property (i.e. he hasn't just been curious and experimenting). One reason this particular fire is troubling is that he made no attempt to put it out or get help, or even supervise it to ensure it did not get out of control. He went to bed and pretended to be asleep. It is not clear what he imagined was going to happen. Did he have a fantasy about rescuing them? Did he intend to kill them all? There is no evidence of this, at least not so far. Or did he just imagine that this time people would see without having a clear thought about what exactly would happen? Though I am curious about his intent because I want to understand it, the fire marshal will be interested in intent because it makes a difference in how they respond. If he had "criminal intent" then it is arson.

It is clear that this is related to the expectation that his father was going to be home in a month or so to spend a couple of weeks with the family. Nephew's fire definitely falls into the "cry for help" category, which doesn't eliminate the possibility that he also had the intent to cause damage to person or property (beyond the couple of items of his dad's that he initially burned).

Anyway, the interviews with the juvenile program person was on Friday. They learned about Nephew's abuse. My sister has been doing her own version of "crying for help" by being totally honest with every physician, therapist, and now fire official about both Nephew's past behaviors and BIL's abuse. It seems to me that she is begging them to tell her that she can't let her husband come home. They also learned about the abuse from the church/school because Sis would not sign the release for them to interview the pastor. Today the fire marshal will probably start attempting to interview other people in Nephew's life. There are not a lot of them, but they will certainly include people from the public school he has attended.

The fire marshal should also file a report with child protection. Given that the abuser is not currently living in the home, I don't know how much they will do. I know my sister would be relieved if they showed up and told her that he can't come back. I doubt that will happen though. I think it is more likely that they will either decide that there is no need for immediate action on their part but that they should keep an eye out for when/if the father comes back. I'm guessing there. I am HOPING that this prompts an investigation of the church/school.

Though Nephew will have to take a fire safety class, no one thinks that will address the issue. The fire marshal has already said that he will have mandated counseling and that Nephew will have to go a full year with no negative reports before he is "in the clear." To me that sounds like there will be involvement from juvenile justice. That could mean a whole range of things. I am hoping we will have a clearer idea sometime this week. I don't expect detention, but I would guess there would be someone who has the role of a probation officer. I know my sister said that there was no way she could go on the vacation to the cottages even if she wanted to. She has to be taking her son to a lot of appointments.

I have been trying to understand this. I don't know how compulsive fire setters are. Is it like cutting? I know that kids who cut don't just stop. When they are under stress they feel the need to cut and cutting makes them feel better. Is my nephew's relationship with fire like that? Will learning in this dramatic way that the fires he set can be dangerous make him back away, or will it make fire-setting more compelling? Does he present a continuing threat to the safety of others? How successful are these intervention programs for kids this old and who have set fires this damaging?

And will anyone tell my sister, or my brother-in-law that he shouldn't come home, or will they just sit back and watch to see what they do?

More on Nephew and the fire

**Note: I published this first on the private blog but decided to bring it over here.**

Well, Sis was pretty upset. Nephew has been setting fires for a while. He has been playing around with various substances including fertilizer. The whole NPR story on making homemade fireworks was really a bad idea for him. I'm not blaming NPR, by the way. Nephew has access to information and was accessing it from before the story.

Anyway, Sis of course is worried that her son is a terrible person, will grow up to be a terrible person. She was in something of a shock. Her son set fire to their house. The fire was right below the hall outside her door. The wicker shelf outside her door caught on fire after they got out. If she had not woke up in time she and the girls might not have been able to get out. Nephew's room was on the other side. He would have made it.

I calmed her some, I hope.

What Nephew had set fire to was actually some of his dad's things. He has been burning up his father's stuff, a bit at a time, for a while now. It is certainly serious and it needs to be responded to, but the house fire was a terrible and unintended consequence of his actions. He did not intend to set fire to the house and he did not intend to hurt anyone. One of the things he needs to learn is that his actions can have consequences far beyond what he intends, but I encouraged Sis to remember that he wasn't trying to burn up the house.

Fortunately, the authorities now know all about his father and the church. They know about his father because they know why he set the fire. They know about the church because the fire marshall made them sign a form allowing them to release information to other people for their own protection. They wanted the pastor to know, and my sister had to explain why that might not be safe for Nephew. I don't know if they will do anything, but at least they know.

I was a bit tough on my sister. I told her that her kids grew up believing that God thinks they should be beaten. That can mess you up pretty bad. All things considered, I think her kids are pretty healthy. Nephew has a chance to become a good man. He is going to need a lot of help, but he can get there.

I've come to think that is one of the most important things we can do for our kids: show them that we know what they have done and we still think they are worthy. They are not defined by the things they have done.

I am hoping so very much that "they" don't let my BIL have unsupervised access to Nephew.

I guess we will see what happens.

***

Nephew is going to go back to his previous therapist. The fire marshall will be going along for the first visit. When Nephew went before his father had already left for Iraq so there wasn't any reason to believe that he was in continued danger. I am really hoping that this time around there are enough people who know that he will be kept safe. Certainly they know that he is terrified of what his dad will do when he comes home.

Sis lacks confidence in his previous therapist because she thought he didn't need more counseling when Sis thought he did & because Nephew lied about some of the things he had done and she believed him. I suggested that she keep an open mind. Someone who has been lied to may be better. She knows how convincing he can be.

More on the fire

Nephew set the fire. It was not an accident.

A fire marshall that deals with children spent an hour talking to him, and Nephew finally confessed.

Now, to be fair, he intended to burn a couple of things in the basement. The fire marshalls found evidence that he had done so in the past. Nephew did NOT intend to set fire to the house.

Of course, he is in serious trouble with the authorities. Sis said he will have to go one full year with no trouble before he will be in the "all clear." I'm not certain if he will be charged with anything in juvenile court. I would imagine so. He has mandated counseling and more.

His father is being kept in Iraq, talking with a specialist there until they believe he has processed it. They won't let him come home until they are confident that he is under control.

***

And on a happier note my sister said she told the insurance agent that she had no idea how to find furnished apartment for three months. They told her that they would have someone look next week for her. When they have something that fits her stated needs, they'll take her to look at it.

Oh, and I was able to relieve her of one worry. She said her cell phone bill was going to be outrageous. I told her to go the office and tell them that she has been needing her phone more than usual and ask them to change her plan. I know Veriz*n would back-date it and I am guessing Spr*nt will too.

I also talked to her for quite a while about how I thought that Nephew had every chance to grow up to be a good man. He was a kid with a good heart who was struggling with a lot of pain. He needs people around him to take seriously what he did. He is going to have to deal with the consequences of his actions, but at the same time he needs people to believe that he is not an evil person.

House A'Fire (small update)

Namely, my sister's. Every one's fine.

So NPR had a story about how to make your own fireworks. I didn't hear it, did you? Sis and Nephew tried some of them in the back yard but it did not work as expected. Nephew, without Sis knowing, took one of the duds into the basement to ponder. It sat there, on the seat of a vinyl chair while the family watched a DVD. No one noticed any smell or heat. They went to bed.

Sometime later the smoke alarm went off. Sis woke up first. She woke up Niece1. They woke up Niece2 & Nephew. Sis had the dog. One of the nieces stood at the door and called for the cat who dashed out and has yet to be found. Sis doesn't know if the fire department contacted the Red Cross or if they just saw the report on the news. In any case, BIL is on his way back from Iraq. Sis doesn't know how long he will be there.

Nephew has asked to stay with his favorite aunt and uncle who live about 2 hours away. Sis is going to let him.

Anyway, the fire was mostly contained to the basement, however intense heat and smoke filled the house. Everything in the house that had any vinyl or plastic is melted. That includes the finish on the cupboards and the entire TV, but not their cell phones and lap tops. Oh, and their shoes. The kids sneakers melted, but Sis still has some dress shoes.

The good news is that they have good insurance. It will pay for somewhere for them to live for 2-3 months, and for the replacement of everything destroyed, all they have to do is save the receipts. They handed her a check for $3000, told her to get a hotel and buy what they needed right away. They will work out the rest as they go.

So.

She's not going to the cottages this summer. I'm told her I would call our parents. She particularly wants me to contact Dad and tell him they are not going to make it to the cottages.

And on the news report she quoted a Bible verse. She even showed up at the evening service in singed clothes. She is TOTALLY back on the Pastor's "good" list. They are getting quite a bit of support and assistance.

And that's the news from Lake Woebegone.

Added: though the news is reporting that the cause of the fire is still under investigation, that isn't quite true. The fire marshall asked the kids what happened. When they didn't say anything she said, "Who's not telling me something? Were you smoking dope?"

The kids asked her what "dope" was. She got stern and told them not to try to pull anything over on her. Sis pulled her aside and explained how sheltered they were and said they really didn't know what "dope" was. They talked to the kids separately and Nephew confessed, crying, afraid he was going to go to jail. The fire marshall was then very kind to him and said that she was going to record it as an accidental fire, but he had to take a fire safety class.

I know this is all terrible and traumatic, but part of me is a little jealous. She is going to end up with a complete home renovation. The house has to be gutted. She gets new cupboards, floors, walls, furniture, electronics.

Of course right now they are staying in a hotel with two changes of clothes.

Niece 2 was very relieved when they were let back in to take out a few things to find that her library books were fine. The girls' rooms are on the second floor and their things suffered the least damage.