Christmas, again

I have a love hate relationship with Christmas. I loved it when the kids were little. When there were so many things that I could get them that they would enjoy and it was easy to surprise and delight them. Ah for the days when the closest they came to comparing for fairness was counting the boxes.

As they got older, as we added more children to the family, fairness has seemed to become more important than anything else, and that is certainly partly my fault. When it was just Andrew, Brian and Carl, I took Brian and Andrew aside and told them that we were going to give Carl a couple of extra presents because they (Brian and Andrew) were going to get gifts from their aunts and uncles and Carl wasn't. They were very generous of heart about it.

Fairness becomes a dominant theme when you have biokids and foster kids in the house at the same time. Foster kids in particular are on watch for any signs of being second-class family members. Everything is watched, measured, and recorded. They all seem to have a tendency to not "record" things that were done for them, particular if they fall into the "had to do anyway" category. If they need for you to drive them to appointments three times a week, that doesn't count. I had to do that. If one of the bios needs to be picked up from school after band or play rehearsal, that is measured. Band and drama are things the boys chose to do.

I've learned that I really can't fix this. I need to be sensitive to their needs, try to talk to them about their feelings, but I can't fix the way they perceive reality. They see it as it has been for them. No one ever drove them around to extra curricular activities. They don't have a bedroom full of the detritis years of childhood in one place and one family. So I accept it. I make the best decisions I can moment to moment, trying to concentrate on each child's need, including the need to feel both that they are being treated fairly and are special.

Christmas though is a time when the measuring is easy. They are old enough to know about what things cost, but not what price I may have paid. For the past few years it was getting more difficult because there were MORE of them. Fortunately I had relatively modest budgets for Christmas (compared to most of my friends) so it wasn't as difficult as it might have been to maintain that budget and just add another kid to the list. So three kids wasn't too hard on the budget. Four was a bit tight but it was also about the point that we stopped buying presents for some of the nephews and nieces, so that helped.

Last year was the first time I started seriously considering how to lower expectations. It really does seem right to me that adult children should not expect as much as younger children. Certainly my mother, and Roland's parents, do not spend as much on us as they did when we were kids. I'm not sure when that happened, but it did. Probably around the time when we had jobs and were able to buy things for ourselves.

This year I finally can. What is different you ask? I have a biokid on the other side of the line! Woo hoo! This year at Thanksgiving I can pull all the older boys aside (Evan, David, and Andrew) and tell them that Santa won't be bringing presents to them any more. They are too old. Roland and I will of course still give them something, but they will notice that the total amount spent on them will be lower.

And when they pout and I will tell them to grow up and deal with it.

Okay, I will be nicer than that, but I really have to draw the line somewhere. I can't afford this crap.

It is also true that even if I spent the amount that I spend on the younger boys I still wouldn't make them happy. They would just get more crap they didn't really want. If I could afford to buy them all an iPod Touch I am sure they would be delirious with joy. That however is not going to happen. They will get new shirts or socks, or a gift card, or some other idiotic thing that one buys young men who pretty much buy themselves whatever they want.

I used to love Christmas.

I miss looking forward to it.

I suppose I will just have to grow up and deal with it.

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Seriously though, I would like to give Andrew, David and Evan gifts that are variations on a theme -- you know, like getting them all new PJ's or robes. If you have suggestions, please share.