MIL Makes Dinner

FosterAbba here, posting another update from Yondalla:

Years ago my MIL used to make me crazy. She has mellowed as she has got older...or maybe just got tired. She no longer buzzes around, tisking and redoing everything. I do in many ways love her deeply, but she can still be aggravating.

On our second night here she cooked dinner. It is a recipe my kids love so much that it has become a regular at our house. She knows this.

She prepared the dish, put it in the oven and told me that it was very important that it cook for a full hour. I said okay. She started to leave for her cottage but seemed worried. She got out a piece of paper and wrote down that it should cook for one hour at 450 degrees.

Then she left. I remembered that she and my FIL both have become very dependent on a schedule of meals, snacks, and on time. I asked Gary to call on the intercom and ask, "What time do you usually eat dinner?"

MIL responded, "We eat at 6:30, so the chicken needs to start cooking at 5:30. It won't take too long for the oven to heat up, but you should probably turn it on by 5:20. I already got the broccoli cut and ready and it won't need to be turned on until 6:20. I will be over in time to do that, so you don't need to worry about it. I will take care of the noodles too, but it is very important that the chicken cooks a full hour so don't forget to turn on the oven at about 5:20. It will be okay if the chicken cooks a little long ."

Gary stared at me. I said, "Just say thank you." He pushed the button and did. He then said to me,"Don't you know all of that?"

Yeah. I know. She knows I know. I was glad to realize it just doesn't irritate me like it used to do.

Last Firsts

FosterAbba here. Yondalla asked me to post the following:

This message comes to you by the gracious assistance of FosterAbba. I can access email on my phone, theoretically. What that means however is leaving the comfort of the house and perching on a rock on the beach where the sun is too bright and the signal weak. Text messages are more complicated for FosterAbba, but they can be written and saved off-line and resent as necessary. Emails lost to bad connections are simply gone. So everyone buzz over to FosterAbba's and say thank you. Now...on to my report.

It is beyond lovely here. It is, as always, breath-taking. Today in particular is spectacular. The sun is bright, the water blue as far as one can see. I sit and look at the surf, the islands, and the sail boats that go by. Lobster boats too, of course.

It is difficult to be here. It is the last time. I tell myself that it is just a place, but I don't believe it. This corner of the world is the spot where my husband came every summer, where my children have come every year but one. The boys have imagined coming here with their own children. A piece of my soul is in the rocks on that beach. I don't disagree with the reasons for doing it, but that doesn't make it easier.

What does make it easier is Gary. Everything is new for him. Everything that is for me a last time is for him a first: a visit to our favorite ice cream place; going to the dock to buy lobsters ("sheddars, pound an a haf each"); the cookies I for some reason only bake here. I think without him we would just sit sadly on the beach and hide in our respective bedrooms. That however is not fair to him. He must be taken to the cove at low tide to catch, and release, tiny crabs. He must go to all the favorite spots. When I might otherwise feel I just cannot face one more "last time" I see him grinning with pleasure and amazement, and I smile.

Well most of the time. When we first were driving here he exclaimed, "This must be the most beautiful place on earth!" I lost it. So did Brian. We spent some time in a bedroom crying.

But I am better now.

Missing All the Firsts

FosterAbba here. Yondalla is on her way to her vacation destination, so she asked me to post the following update:

Don't let anyone tell you that caring for an older child means missing all the "firsts." As we boarded this morning I said, "you've flown before right?" He grinned and said, "Yeah, but this is the first without handcuffs."

We are scheduled on separate flights next. I took him to his gate and gave him a hug. He will have to wait for us for hours as we are taking two planes. Ridiculous itinerary.

Still it means this is his first flight alone! No guard, no handcuffs, no parents.

On Vacation

I'll be gone for about almost two weeks. Take care, be good. If I can publish anything remotely, I will.

FosterAbba has agreed to babysit the blog as necessary.

*****

To the right is Yondalla, D&D goddess of the halflings. "Yondalla is represented as a strong female halfling with red-golden hair, looking determined and proud. She dresses in green, yellow, and brown, and carries a shield. Yondalla has two aspects that the halflings speak of in front of others: the Provider and the Protector. As the Provider, she is a goddess of fertility and growing things, of birth and youth. She can make barren things fertile and increase the growing rate of plants and animals to any speed she chooses. She can equally easily make fertile things barren, if she chooses. She can age, wither, and slay as easily as she can create, though it takes much to drive her to do this.
As Protector, Yondalla wards off evil influences and intrusions and gives halflings the strength and determination to defend themselves."

Conversation on Photolistings Continues

Two comments I want to share. One is from Janine in Australia:

As I mentioned in Torina's blog comments, here in Australia there are no photolistings. To 'entice' permanent carers we have occasional media efforts featuring a 'poster child' which is usually followed by a rush of interested callers, who are directed to information sessions, and then onto training (with lots dropping off along the way, of course). Again, I don't know how successful we are at placing older or special needs kids compared to you in the States, so how do we know if these photolistings are really needed?

I have no answer for this. In some, perhaps most, places the photolistings are out of date and incomplete. That would bother me not at all if there were an efficient and more private system for matching potential carers and and adopters with children. If the photolistings are the main way that people who can provide traumatized children with homes get connected to those children, then the fact that they are not current means they fail to meet the only criteria that justifies their existence.

I think it is good for US citizens to become aware of how things are done elsewhere. We tend to think that our way is the best way, or certainly the only feasible way, without even knowing what is done elsewhere. Imagine though a country in which there is no private adoption at all, in which every mother who is considering placing meets with a social worker whose job it is to help her get resources so that she can parent her child. Adoption exists as an option, but promoting it is no body's agenda. [update: See Sassy's comments below for more information on Adoption in Australia.] [Also note: if it didn't make Sassy's comments irrelevant, which is rude, I would probably delet the second part of this paragraph. The issues in infant placement overlap but are not the same as the ones in child protection.]

Of course, as we talk about the lack of resources for private matching, or keeping the photolistings updated, I will want to talk about our unwillingness to provide families, particularly young mothers, with the help they need long before the situation has deteriorated to the place where removal of children is an appropriate response. That though is a conversation far too big for me right now. Feel free to discuss.

Bacchus in his comment provides a challenge:

This was my least favorite part of adopting. Knowing there was a code to listings and trying to decipher it. There were times we were drained from reading these. I hate the fact that kids are reduced to innuendo.
Thanks for posting these. If I can challenge people to truly get these, if you have bio kids.. describe them in terms of an adoption listing. It is amazing how it reads.

The level of anxiety I feel about doing this I think is partly an indicator of the level of why the photolistings bother me so much. Can I bring myself to do it?

Brian

Brian is a fun-loving kid with a wacky sense of humor. He loves animals and recently has started baking for fun. He enjoys cartoons and is a great mimic. He will amuse and confuse you by quoting lines from his favorite shows at unexpected times. Brian loves animals and assists in the care of his current family's dog.

Brian goes to a school that focuses on artistic expression, which has helped him significantly. He enjoys art and recently acted in the school play. Parents who will support this activity, which includes making a commitment to get him to appropriate schooling, transportation to and from rehearsals, and attend performances is very important. Brian tests above grade level in most subjects, however his school performance and grades do not reflect his full potential. A family with patience, who can help guide him to develop better organizational skills and focus would be a great asset to Brian. Brian also needs a family who understands anxiety and can accept how this has been exasperated by multiple losses.

Brian does take medication which helps him control his emotions. It will be important for any family to ensure that he remembers his. Brian sometimes has difficulty expressing himself, but an art-based therapy program has been very helpful. Brian responds best to a firm but gentle parenting style. Brian is very sensitive to the needs of other children, and gets along very well with younger children. His new school has helped him to develop better relationships with his peers.

This gentle young man has amazing potential. Do you have the patience, structure and creativity to help guide him to adulthood?

Yeah. That was fun. (Can you hear the sarcasm?) I think it is accurate, and yet it doesn't seem to capture who he really is, you know? Does it make him sound like a fragile emotional wreck? He can be. He has made amazing progress over the past year, but long-time readers know there were times when I was torn with trying to figure out if I was giving too much attention to his anxiety, thereby rewarding it, or failing to adequately address it. If he needed a family to care for him, they would need to know that, but this description paints a picture of a kid who is and is not Brian. It is a character from some TV movie who does not have the complexity and reality of the kid who is Brian.

I have read photolistings of children whom I already knew a couple of times, most particularly Frankie and Ann. In both cases major issues were stated in ways that sounded like little quirks, or problems that are probably in the past. I still have Ann's six-year-old profile on my refrigerator mostly because I love the photograph. It shows the smile I almost never got to see. When I look at it, I see the young woman she should have been, but wasn't. The profile lists things she likes, including animals. It claims, I believe falsely, that she is ready to form a long-term relationship with an adult and understands that this will take work on her part. There is no mention of dangerous behaviors or problems she may have with siblings. Then it says, "[Ann] sees herself as open-minded and wants to share her sense of humor with a family that eats together and plays together." I don't doubt that she saw herself that way, but I don't think that was accurate.

It goes on, "She may struggle with forming anything deeper than a superficial attachment, so a willingness to focus on [her] needs will be important qualities for her adoptive parents. if you know about insecure attachment and its causes are are willing to wait for [Ann] to return your love, please call..." For a while I was seeing "insecure" or "superficial" attachment for a while, but I think too many people figured out that that was code for reactive attachment disorder.

I would have written:

Ann, having grown up in a foster home with difficult older girls, does not have an understanding of healthy sibling relationships. She has a strong need to dominate people around her, and will bully children her age or younger. She has on occasion escalated to physical violence when arguing with her foster sisters. She would do best in a family no other children or perhaps an older, understanding sibling who can help her learn positive interactions. Ann forms attachments to animals whom she feels she can trust. Though like any child she needs help remembering to care for their needs, it is important there there be a pet as that may be the only relationship she will have that will feel safe to her. Ann is an expert at triangulation. If she is adopted by a two-parent family they will need to be skilled at avoiding this and other manipulations. She can and often is very critical of the behavior of others including her caretaker.

She has a brother who has been adopted by another family. His parents have concluded that Ann is not a safe person for him to be around. She will need parents who can help her deal with this grief and loss.

Ann has reactive attachment disorder and in the past has escalated to behaviors dangerous to herself or others when her foster family tried to adopt her. She will need a parent or parents who understand this dynamic. She has never physically injured a caretaker, but she is capable of spewing verbal venom and using language you would not expect a twelve-year-old to know. She seems to respond best to an approach in which caretakers allow her to wear herself out while refusing to engage in argument.

Ann can also be very affectionate, often seeming like a much younger child. Though this could also be a part of the attachment disorder, those who love her feel they get a glimpse of the girl she should have been and perhaps with time and patience will have a chance to become.

If you have the ability to withstand verbal abuse in private and public places and respond without escalating yourself, you may over the course of several years develop a level of trust with Ann, although you should be prepared to take satisfaction in having provided her with a safe place to grow up, even if she never seems to respond to or even believe in your affection for her.

Should it have said that? Would it have been a violation of her privacy to be that honest? Ann was old enough to read her profile herself. I doubt she would appreciate such truths being shared about her. And I guess I don't think they should be -- at least not in any way that can connect these words to her in real life. She deserves more respect for her privacy than that, but I also think this is what anyone who might consider adopting her really needs to know.

Responding to comment on photolistings

silpheed-tandy writes in response to my post on photolistings:

i did not know photolistings were so encoded with such indirect language,
instead of being upfront. i'm curious, do you think this is a good thing or not?
does it entice capable people to foster parent who otherwise would've been
scared off, or do you think it instead doesn't give the proper information that
potential foster parents would want right from the initial stages?

This is so difficult to answer, partly because if the world were the way I would design it, there woudn't be publically accessible photolistings at all. I would be willing to compromise on having one or two mini-profiles available for advertising, but otherwise I think only people with passwords, which presumably they would get in classes should be able to get in. These profiles I would want to be more complete and honest.

Partly because sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, you know? If a description says that a child will need to build up trust before attaching, it may very well be code for reactive attachment disorder, but it might just mean that this child needs to built up trust before attaching. But the main reason I am uncomfortable with the photolistings is that they don't respect kids' privacy. The similarities between www.petfinder.com, www.carfinder.com, and www.adoptuskids.org is hard to miss. You have to have a membership and password to get into any of the dating services, for pete's sake.

Children in the system have had their boundaries violated in every possible way. I find it ironic that the profiles, which violate a child's privacy, so often talk about the child needing help developing boundaries. Sometimes the whole system is just so messed up. How do we help children learn how to discriminate between strangers and friends when other people are constantly knowing intimate details of their lives before they've even met?

Yeah, the photolistings bother me at multiple levels. At best they are a necessary evil in a flawed world.

And I don't know a better way to entice foster parents, but I guess I wouldn't want more detailed, honest, and negative profiles to be available to every curious person with access to a computer. But that doesn't mean that those of us who read them shouldn't be very aware that they are not giving you the information you really need to make any sort of decision.

PO cometh again

So the probation officer was here again. Gary says he has never seen her this often. You may remember that she was here just a month ago. That time I learned that in my county kids stay on probation until they are 21, although they can go to "unsupervised probation" which is just like NOT being on probation except that if you get arrested for anything it is really, really bad.

Anyway, she said then that she couldn't see getting him moved to unsupervised for at least a year. Today she said that she thought she should make sure he is doing okay in school, but if everything looks as good as it does now, she will ask for him to be released in October.

Cool, huh?

I really think the reason that she didn't want to raise expectations was that she wanted to make sure this placement was going to stick. If Gary was going to be moved again, she wanted to stay in his life. She clearly really likes him. She has seen him grow from an angry, defiant twelve-year-old to a really cool fifteen-year-old. I don't think she feels like she has to supervise him because he might start getting into trouble, more like because she wants to make sure he really won't need her anymore.

Oh, and since he was ELEVEN when he was so very naughty, his record will remain sealed. If he has to have any sort of background check it shouldn't even show that he has a sealed record. At least that is what she said.

I asked Gary if he was disappointed or had mixed feelings about not being able to move in with his dad. He said, "Not really, no." I'm not sure what that means, other than he didn't have anything he cared to share with me at the moment.

And that is okay too.

Translation of Photolistings

Torina has a good post about how to translate the "code" of photolistings. I thought I would add to it.

Child would benefit from a family who can help him refocus and broaden his interests.
Child has OCD and may perseverate on one thing for days until you will want to scream.

School has been emotionally difficult for this child.
Child may be labeled "emotional disabled." Is unable to attend a normal classroom without a one-on-one aide to help him control his emotions. Child may rage or throw tantrums at school. If you have a job, plan on leaving it two or three times a week to deal with behavioral issues.

Child has been exploring self-identity in counseling and has a strong interest in gender roles.
Child is GLBT.

If you can postpone your need to have your love returned while trust is built, this could be the child for you!
Child has a severe case of Reactive Attachment Disorder. She may never trust you, be frightened by your love for her, and attempt to destroy any possibility of a relationship by screaming things like, "You're a f*cking b*tch! I hate you!" in places like the grocery store, church, or family reunions.

A supportive extended family and respite care plans would be a plus!
This child would exhaust a saint. It will help if you have a friend who will listen to you cry in exhaustion. The fact that you used to sleep for seven hours in a row in one night will be a distant memory.

Parents will need to access community resources
Child has a major disability we are not going to name here.

Child needs a family that can provide safe boundaries.
Child does something, acting out sexually, setting fires, hitting other children, which is unsafe -- but we're not telling what it is.

Oh...I quoted these from photolistings of children I know in real life. I know what they meant.

Shortest Permanency Hearing EVER

1:25 -- phone call from state social worker. "You live close to the court house, right?" "Yes." "Well, Gary's hearing is in five minutes, can you get him here?"

I change into long pants, grab my MP3 player and sudoku book as I know I need to be ready for a long wait.

1:45 -- Gary, girlfriend and I show up in the hallway and are immediately ushered into courtroom by social worker.

Transcript (from memory).

Judge: "Hearing case ######. Does anybody have anything they want to say?"

State attorney: "Yes your honor. For the record, we sent a letter to [Gary's father] at x address on ##. I understand that he is a long haul trucker often out of town, but we believe we exercised due diligence."

Judge: "Anything else?"

Gary: "Yes. I just wanted to say that my dad doesn't drive trucks anymore. He is a contractor and works in [place name]."

Judge: "I thought that was so. You look like you are doing okay."

Gary: "Yes, sir."

Judge: "Do you need anything I can help you with?"

Gary: "No sir."

Judge: "Does anyone else have anything they would like to say?"

silence

Judge: "Okay. The court finds that the department exercised due diligence."

And then I knew it was over because the social worker and lawyers stood up and started to leave. The judge remained seated and appeared to be opening the file for the next case.

We leave when?

If you had an early morning flight, as in you had to leave the house at 4:00am, would you even bother going to bed? The boys say they are just want just to stay up and then sleep on the planes. I think I might take a pill and go to bed really early. Of course if I really take a pill it will be difficult to wake up. Maybe I could just take a little piece of a pill.

I wonder how much time I really have to have to get ready in the morning. I know that people don't dress up to fly these days, but probably a summer nightgown is a little too informal.

Budgeting

We are on our pre-vacation budget, which is going to look remarkably like our "getting out of debt now that you told me about it budget." We've both agreed that we have to make changes, including writing down everything we spend money on and talking about it. It is a very interesting experience.

Roland and I just grew up differently. I never had and never expected to have everything I wanted. I have always understood spending money as making a choice -- if you spend money on one thing then you can't spend money on something else. I hoped to have a secure job someday that would allow me to have any particular thing that I really wanted, knowing that I would never have everything I wanted. My idea of what is genuinely necessary is fairly minimal.

Of course my good parent who made me feel safe was incredibly frugal, and the parent with whom I was unsafe spent money carelessly.

From my perspective Roland is just screwed up. His parents during his lifetime went from comfortable to wealthy (at least by my standards). I have been frustrated by trying to buy them presents because anything they want, they buy. If they don't have it they either don't want it or don't know about it. Roland was never really denied anything. I saw it when we were dating. If he ran out of money, his father gave him more. They insisted he get a job in the summer, but he did not really save money.

Roland has equated being a successful adult with being able to buy pretty much everything he wants. Where I feel like a responsible adult when I tell myself that I can't have something, Roland feels like a child or a failure.

We are having different responses to our new commitments regarding our budget. I am actually happy and excited. I feel hopeful that being frugal on my part will make a difference in our budget. It hasn't for a long time. He of course is anxious about not being able to get everything he wants the minute he wants it. We are also learning that we have different ideas of what is simply necessary. I'm not giving up my high quality tea for nothing, but I don't see why it should be any hardship at all for him to switch from bottled body wash to a bar of soap.

We have been married for more than two decades, but in some ways this is like going back to the very beginning all over again.

And for those of you who aren't married, this sort of thing is central to what it means to be married. You imagine the joy of spending time together, even the struggles of making major decisions regarding jobs and family. The reality of marriage though so often boils down to standing in the aisle of a grocery store and saying, "Really? Body wash is a necessity of life? Like you would die if you used a bar of soap?"

The Need to Clean

Today Gary's girlfriend, I do think we can now label her as such, is spending the day here. Her mother works nights and sleeps days and will drop her off before going to sleep. Gary had said that he would spend all day yesterday cleaning the downstairs, but you know teenagers like Gary...

...he spent ALL DAY cleaning the downstairs. He cleaned the floor with a cloth, telling me that the mop would just push the dirt around. He wiped down the wooden stairs. He dusted and vacuumed the sofa. The bathroom, oh the bathroom. It is just too perfect. Really, I don't know if it is nice or frightening down there.

I'm sure he is itching with anxiety about the main floor. My papers and books are on the table by my comfy chair. There is clutter on the dining room table. The kitchen should be swept. The bathroom just needs a good cleaning because even though Andrew is supposed to do that every week, he doesn't. She is supposed to be here in half an hour, I suppose I should pick up a few things.

I really don't know if this need to clean is a result of Gary's more recent past. It seems possible. Over the past few years he has lived in chaos and not been safe or been safe in group homes in which everything was kept extremely tidy. I do wonder about his years with his stepmother. Was/is she compulsively tidy? When he left home there were three kids under three years of age (remember, one set of twins), three school-age girls, and him. It seems unlikely to me that that house was kept exceptionally tidy, but then maybe again that was how step mother coped.

My sister and Gary get along wonderfully. She has to mop the floors every day. She too has to keep everything just so. She admits to me that somewhere deep inside she feels like she will be okay if she just keeps everything clean. She laughs about it, and accepts it. I on the other hand am just not like that. My sister and I had roughly the same experiences growing up, and we did not respond the same way. My sister worked to control her environment and I retreated to a world of books and fantasy. She tried to please my father; I tried not to be noticed.

For a while I wondered if Gary's need to clean was just about phase one behavior, part of the whole being extra good while trying to figure us out. I am beginning to think not though. Oh he may relax a bit as he gets more comfortable. I have noticed that he will sometimes leave a dirty dish in his room for a whole day, but this level of tidiness has to come from somewhere deeper.

I must admit, of all the "issues" a kid could come with, compulsive tidiness is one of the easiest to accept.

Then again, maybe he isn't compulsively tidy. Maybe I'm just a slob.

Boring Goodness

I feel that it is important that I blog today. So much of doing care is difficult and emotionally exhausting. It is rewarding, of course. Those of us who blog often do so to deal with the difficulties. I have "talked through" any number of challenges with my children here. Often just in the writing I come up with solutions just by writing. Of course those of us who blog generally hope that our blogs are useful to people considering or starting care.

So we write the difficult and the painful. You, the reader, hear about rages, cutting of school, drug addictions, manipulative behavior, and the heartache when a child leaves.

And yet, it isn't always like that. Sometimes it is just quiet, ordinary goodness.

You want to know what our big event was yesterday? We took the boys shopping for clothes for the in-laws anniversary party. Nothing significant happened. They boys found clothes they liked in my budget. Gary got what I am pretty sure is his first pair of dress pants. He was quite pleased at how he looked in them. Andrew picked out some button-up shirts. He got one fitted dark blue shirt in which he looked really good. I mean, just one hair cut away from dashing.

And today? Well today Gary just got back from an almost-date. The mother of the girl he has been text-messaging constantly, who goes to the charter school he is hoping to get into, took the two of them to play miniature golf. Gary is pretty sure he passed the mother-test.

And I find I can't really make a whole story out of it for you, and yet I feel I should blog it, because this too is what parenting a child from foster care is like. Sometimes, a lot of times, it is just ordinary days, with a pretty ordinary kid, doing ordinary things.

------------------------------------

***And, Maggie, I didn't have that "waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling" until I wrote this post. Please everyone KNOCK ON WOOD.***

Andrew Bribes Me

Andrew told me the other day that he had been thinking about what he should do since he wasn't going to be able to find a job. We are leaving for Maine in a week and then he will only have a little while before he has to go. It just doesn't look like he will be able to find a job.

SO...he wants me to know that he plans on going down to the animal shelter to see if he can volunteer so that he has something productive to do. He also wants to contribute to the household some way.

Maybe I would like him to take over cooking dinner?

I agreed, of course.

Update on Gary's Father

Gary told me that his father and stepmother are definitely getting back together. It means that he is not going to get to live with his dad, but he saw it coming. In the course of the conversation he mentioned both that his stepmother does and always has lived in the town next to ours and that his father is still committed to trying to find a job in this area so he can live with them full-time.

I had thought that that the stepmother and siblings lived in another state, but I realize that no one actually said that. It creates a different picture for me, of the past and of the possibilities for the future. I don't know if his father will find a new job. I understand he has quite an incentive. Before I thought it was something he was going to do if his marriage failed. Now I suspect it is something he needs to in order to save his marriage (although I recognize that as a guess).

It does mean that his father is in the area much more than I thought, and that his presence here is not just to see Gary.

I think Gary is happy here. He is sad not to live with his father, but he does not dislike us. He knows he is safe. He talks with us. I'm glad the new state social worker is more supportive of him having visits with his father in ways his father is comfortable with. I know that as long as his father and stepmother are living together, Gary will not be allowed to go home.

I find myself relieved for myself. I do really like this kid and I want him to stick around. I am sad for him, but also relieved that he wasn't kept dangling too long.

We will see what will happen. The agency worker has had one conversation with Gary's father about setting up a dinner with everyone. He wants to meet with her separately first, and she has agreed to that. Gary is nervous that he will be antagnostic and make a relationship which should be helpful to him more difficult.

I suppose we will see.

Quilts

Gary's quilt is completely done. I showed you a photo of the top a while back. I finally got it tied and yesterday I finished putting on the binding. It is on his bed and he seems quite happy with it. Andrew's top is finished and prepared to go to the professional machine quilter. When it comes back I will have to put the binding on it. I am so ready to be done with these quilts. Never again do I want to do two in one summer. The boys seem to be happy with them though.

Just when he thought he was safe...

Gary and I had another talk about PTSD triggers today. He generally has an "I'm okay" attitude about everything. He has had enough therapy to last a life time. He's all better now. He knows we want him to make an appointment with his therapist, but I haven't been pushing.

Something happened yesterday, he didn't tell me what, and that is okay. He recognized the experience for what it was. Something happened while he was with his girlfriend and it brought back a bunch of emotions. The thing is, he says, he has dealt with what happened to him. It doesn't upset him to talk about it or anything. So he felt angry that he was having these emotions that he wasn't supposed to have. It was confusing for him to be feeling both the triggered emotion and anger about having to feel the emotion.

Personally I was thrilled that a fifteen-year-old can recognize the experience for what it is. Most boys his age would not, they would look for an explanation for their emotions in the current environment.

He didn't want to talk about the details. I told him that was okay, that many kids in care had had their privacy violated when they were little by people who were supposed to take care of them and then again by a system that was trying to protect them. I told him that I thought a lot of kids in care have trouble finding the right place in between total secrecy and total sharing, and that he didn't want to share what happened yesterday or what happened in his past that was okay.

He still wanted to talk about how wrong it was for him to be having these experiences after he has worked so hard for so long to deal with everything. I managed not to smile at that. I know that he has had four years of pretty intensive and directed therapy, but the kid is just fifteen.

So I talked to him about my triggers and dealing with the experiences. I told him that I have an extreme startle reflex which I have accepted isn't going to go away. I HATE that I do that. I embarrassed that I nearly jump out of my skin when I hear a sharp noise, but it isn't going away. I told him that some of what I did in my therapy, which I still needed in my forties, was deal with what happened so that I wouldn't get triggered, but a lot of it was learning how to deal with the experience when it happened.

He said, "I just don't get why it happened yesterday."

"You were safe."

"What? That doesn't make any sense."

"You know that I get out of taking CPR classes, right?" He did. I've already told him about the whole drowning thing. "I know that if I actually needed to do CPR, I wouldn't fall apart. It would be a real emergency and I would shove all that emotion down and deal. I fall apart in class because there isn't an emergency and so there isn't anything to stop the emotions." He got that.

"I don't know about you, but for me part of surviving the abuse was not reacting or feeling very much. Sometimes even 'going away' in my mind." He nodded. "So we didn't feel it then, and when we are reminded and safe we feel it now."

"Oh great" he said, rolling his eyes. "I'm going to call my therapist and make an appointment."

He is an amazing young man.

Still "honeymooning"?

A foster parent trainer once told me, "There is no such thing as a 'honeymoon.' It is 'observation and assessment.'"

The training was on RAD, but I think it applies generally. A honeymoon is a vacation at the beginning of a marriage. In theory at least, and perhaps in practice, both are deeply in love. Everything each does is motivated by care and love for the other. And that is not what the first days, weeks, or months of a placement is like.

The beginning of a placement is not like that. As parents we often feel a deep connection and love for our children from the very beginning. We may start to feel it the first time we saw a photograph or read a short description. I think those feelings, which I also experience, are not the same thing as love based upon actually knowing a child, but that is a different topic. The point is, we as parents, sometimes feel like we are on a honeymoon at the beginning of a placement because we are full of warm fuzzy feelings and everything seems to be going so well. The children or youth however are NOT on a honeymoon. They are not floating on a cloud of warm fuzzy feelings. They are carefully walking through a mine field, waiting for the deluded, infatuated adult to get real so they can find out what life here is going to be like.

So the other day when someone asked me if we were still on "honeymoon," I stopped to think about how I was behaving. Gary has lived here exactly six weeks. I have had some days that were not as good as others. I have been a tiny bit grumpy, but not much. When Roland and I have had a disagreement of any kind we have gone back to the bedroom to talk about it. When I
"correct" Gary I still treat him like a guest. For instance today I said, "Gary, it's okay to take the portable phone to your room when you want to talk to someone, but I really need for you to put it back on its cradle when you are finished." To which he replied, "Oh, okay. I was just about to bring it back."

In six months I may very well say something like, "Gary! Where is that phone?! If you don't stop leaving it in your room you will not be allowed to use it at all! I mean it. Put it away NOW."

So, are we "honeymooning"? Well, I'm still on my extra-good behavior, and I imagine he'll still waiting to see what we are really like.

It's a process.

Three New Blogs

Here are three new blogs to consider adding to your every growing list of foster-care blogs.

Two newish blogs by social workers:

The Mellenial Social Worker

Blue Jean Social Work

One blog by a social worker/foster mother, Postcards from Insanity. This one is doing what I did with Ann's Story. She is going back through old journals and notes and reconstructing a story from years past. I strongly recommend that you start reading this one at the beginning. The blog comes with a warning,
"If you are here looking for a touchy feely, the world is sunshine and roses blog about how wonderful foster care is....STOP, turn around and back away slowly. Don't make any sudden moves, you don't want to startle the children. My life is like a car wreck- you don't want to look but you just can't help yourself! I am blunt, cynical and sarcastic- all necessary character traits for the successful navigation through the insane world of foster parenting. I call it like I see it with no regard for who gets their granny panties in a bunch. You have been warned ;)"

These blogs will be added to the feed box.

Overheard Conversation

This morning I asked Gary and Brian to unload the dishwasher, telling them that I would reload it. A bit later Brian came to sit in the living room, and I could hear Gary still in there.

"Why are you here when Gary is still working?"

"He's putting dishes IN the dishwasher, Mom. I told him that you said you would reload, but he is just doing it anyway."

I gave Brian a look.

Tonight was Gary's turn to cook dinner. After I asked Roland if he would help Brian in the kitchen. He said yes and as I walked out I heard Gary said, "I'll help. I don't mind."

To which Brian replied, "No! You have got to stop doing this. Don't you see you are making me look bad? The more you do the more she will expect me to do. Just stop!" Brian said it with a sense of humor, but also real aggravation in his voice.

Gary laughed and told me after that he wondered how long it would take Brian to complain.

I'm beginning to wonder how much Gary might be enjoying goading Brian this way.

I don't think I mind.