Gary's Depression Deepens

Gary has been depressed. He has excellent reasons for being depressed. His parents aren't his parents any more. He is angry and hurt. There is a plan to adopt him, which is good, but is horribly stressful all by itself. He is turning 18 in six months, and this almost always a crisis for kids in foster care. Even when they KNOW they are welcome, nay WANTED, they so often feel like they are supposed to move out and turn into completely independent adults at that moment.

Then of course there is the romantic problems. He broke up with one girl because it was getting too serious and he couldn't take that. She loved him and he isn't worthy of being loved and so he had to break up with her. He was honest about it. He told her how much she meant to him and that that was why he couldn't date her any more. He really did want to be friends though.

Then he started dated her previous best friend.

According to Gary she has behaved in inexplicable ways. She apparently doesn't like him very much anymore.

She has a new boyfriend and he keeps throwing it in Gary's face that she is his and not Gary's anymore. The new boyfriend is also a douche-bag who tries to control her all the time and Gary wants better for her, but they both get upset with him when he tries to protect her. So the text messages, the MySp*ce bullying has been flying.

He doesn't sleep, because he is up all night texting people.

So he is depressed. And it has nothing to do with his parents or with this horrible boyfriend, or the girl, except it has everything to do with them.

So he texted his social worker at 4am saying he was miserable and felt like dying. He had previously promised her that he would tell her if his depression got so bad that he felt like hurting himself.

She got the text around noon and called me. He didn't want to say much, but he couldn't promise me that he would be safe, so we went to the emergency room. I expected/hoped they would talk him into taking antidepressants, at least as a trial, and I would take him home. In the first five hours in the emergency room we established:

1. It is wrong for him to take anti-depressants and he won't take then even as a trial run.

2. Yes, he does think about committing suicide. He doesn't have a plan because he doesn't need one. It isn't HARD. If he decided to do it, he will, no plan required.

3. Yes, he feels like injuring others. In fact there are two particular boys at school that he would like to beat the crap out of.

4. No, he doesn't have a PLAN for what to do if he feels like beating them up. He doesn't think he will. He has good self-control. Of course, all the martial arts training has made his reflexes almost sub-conscious and he did black out that one time when someone threatened him, so he might beat the crap out of them anyway.

5. Being admitted into the psychiatric ward is a stupid idea because it will only make him feel worse.

He had the sort of warped thinking that comes with deep depression. He would tell me that he wanted to go home and then just as I was thinking about asserting that I thought it was a good idea he would tell me something else that indicated he needed to be admitted. The third time he told someone that he wasn't sure that he could refrain from beating up these two boys at school tomorrow I knew it was over.

Since the local hospital does not have an adolescent unit he had to be transported to another facility in The City. They were inclined to transport him by ambulance. The doctor told him that there had been a situation not long ago when someone was being transported by a relative and he jumped out of the car and over a bridge on the way. The physician asked Gary if he would do anything like that.

Gary stopped to think about it, and then said, "Probably not."

At this point my dark humor side nearly lost it. I wanted to say, "Darlin' if you want to convince the nice doctor that you don't need to go to the adolescent psych unit don't tell him that you probably won't jump off a bridge on the way there."

So Gary went to the psych unit in an ambulance and we followed a bit later in the car. I had a possibly hysterical laughing fit in the car imaging what Gary might have thought was going to happen after telling people that he would only give the first names of the boys he really wanted to beat up. I imagined the doctor calling the school telling them that he had a legal obligation to warn them that Gary was a danger to two boys in the high school, but he only had their first names. But Gary didn't want to go to the hospital because he would miss school and fall behind.

Because, in Gary's current world, it makes perfect sense that he would be allowed to go to school after telling three psych professionals that he couldn't be sure he wasn't going to beat the crap out of two students.

We finally said goodbye to him seven hours after we first left for the ER. On one hand, I think he doesn't need to be there. I think he is at low risk for hurting himself or anyone else. I don't think there is anything wrong with him that could not be addressed with outpatient treatment. If he will agree to that, he could easily be out in 24-48 hours

On the other hand, he thinks he deserves to feel the way he does and so it would be contrary to his personal moral beliefs to take anti-depressants. If that continues to be his attitude, he could be there quite a bit longer.

When he was being admitted to the psych unit he did make much more reasonable statements. At that point he admitted that there were a couple of kids that he was really angry at, but he doesn't solve problems with violence. If he feels threatened he will defend himself, but that's all.

Adoption to-do lists

Gary's Adoption To-Do List:

1. get copy of driver's license

2. fill out short application, financial report, and information release form

3. make and keep appointment for criminal background check

4. ensure that Roland and Andrew make and keep appointments for criminal background check

5. have physician fill out extensive health report (ensure Roland does same)

6. write detailed auto-biography (ensure Roland does same)

7. contact four people and ask them to be references

8. contact private adoption agency that does home studies

9. meet with social worker from agency several times. Make sure she gets a chance to interview Andrew when he is home.

10. make appointment with attorney

Adult Adoptions T0-Do List:

1. make appointment with attorney

Hearing over

The T.P.R. hearing for Gary's mother's parental rights is over. It was short and sad. The judge found that the state had done everything they could to contact her and her rights were terminated on grounds of abandonment.

I really, really hate these things.

Gary decided not to go to this one, and I think that is wise.

I got lots of information regarding adopting him. If we are going to do this before he turns 18 then we need to get moving. Thank goodness it isn't as complicated as getting licensed, but Roland and I have to get new criminal background checks, a more complete medical report, have a home study.

With all this the adoption just might be finalized before his birthday in September. Maybe.

I met Helen and her foster father. Apparently they had some sort of hearing today too. The state worker confirmed that the foster father has expressed interest in adopting her, but they don't know if that will happen, at least in part because they don't know what Will is going to do. He will have a case plan to work, and reunification is still the case goal. I told the state worker that Roland and I did not have any need to try to get custody of her, but we would hold onto our license for another year if she might need us. He said he would let me know when Gary's adoption is finalized if there is any significant chance they will want to place her with us.

getting re-licensed

Oooo.... I just realized. If we get Gary adopted before the end of May, we can decline re-licensing. I would never have to go to another training again.

Gary wants to be adopted

sooner, rather than later.

Okay, let me back up.

Yesterday he had a 10:00am meeting with his sister, "Helen," the state worker (who will be hers if/when reunification is no longer the official case goal), and his agency worker. Gary said the meeting went okay, but it was awkward because they didn't have a lot to say to each other and Gary wanted to talk to both of them about HIS case. He did report that the plan with his sister is what is called "concurrent planning." In other words, Will be given a list of things he has to do, which the social worker predicts he will not do.

Will, by the way, wants Helen out of foster care and then into Job Corps. He is pretty clear that he does not want her to live with him, his wife, and the younger children. Basically, he wants what he wanted with Gary: not to have to live with the teen and have everyone agree that the necessity for that is based upon the teen's behavior, not his. He isn't going to get away with it this time.

Anyway, Gary told the workers that he has been thinking about the adoption and he has decided that it would be better to do it before he graduates, instead of after. He told them that the main reason he wanted to wait was so that he would not be a financial burden to us. We have assured him multiple times that that is not the case. I have believed that the not wanting to be a burden is in part cover for not being done mourning his first family and not being ready for adoption. Anyway, he asked the workers if there was anyway that we might be able to continue to receive support for him until he graduates. The agency worker said they are working on the details of their post-adoption support plan and will get back to me.

So, it looks very likely that Gary will get adopted the spring with the older boys.

When I was talking with Gary later he said that one of the reasons he wanted to be adopted earlier was so that he could get his name changed before he graduated, got a driver's license, a credit history, etc. This is just a good time to do that.

As for his name, he hates his first name, and likes his his current middle name. He has picked out a new name he likes, he just doesn't know if he wants to be NewName CurrentMiddleName, or the other way around. He does want to keep the same last name. "Changing both would just be too much of an identity crisis."

I think I did a decent job at hiding my disappointment. I didn't realize how much it meant to me until both Carl and David told me they were going to change their last names. Evan would change his, but he has complex feelings about his mother and wants to show his respect for his father who died when he was small. When David and Carl said that they wanted to change their names, I got choked up. They understand the adoption and becoming part of our family. They want that. They want for me to be their legal mom.

For Gary, I think, right now it isn't about becoming part of our family. I think it is about another step in separating himself from Will. It is about him claiming a new identity and a new name. It isn't really about claiming a relationship with us. We are just part of the deal.

And I get that. It seems developmentally appropriate. It is exactly where Gary should be right now. Expecting him to be forming deep attachments to us just when most of his energy is going to how he will life when he moves out in January 2011 (his time table), is unrealistic. He is seventeen, finishing with high school, and his life is all about becoming his own person. Right now, it is safer to keep his current last name.

I confess that I hope he changes his mind somewhere during the process.

I started to edit that sentence to say "I confess I will be happy if he changes his mind" but the first version is true. I believe that it should be his decision and that he should do what he wants and what is best for him. I think this should NOT be about my needs and desires. However, I find that though I can acknowledge that my desires are not supposed to determine the outcome, they still exist. I want Gary to want us as much as we want him.

I remind myself that David definitely did not want us when he lived with us. Keeping emotional distance was very important for him. NOW, at 23 he wants to be part of the family. I hope, even expect, that over time Gary will attach more deeply to us. I also know that will happen best, perhaps only if, we let it happen at his pace.

But it still made me feel like pouting.

Of course I am cutting myself some emotional slack because Roland just left to spend 6 days with his parents meaning I am doing the single parent thing. Also the world of Brian has got more stressful recently. I will write about that eventually, but it is not part of this post. Suffice it to say that I was already fighting melancholia when Gary said he wanted to keep his current last name and I had to take a deep breath before I gave the appropriate response, "That makes sense, and of course what name you pick is entirely your decision."

Anyway, that he wants to be adopted now instead of in a year is wonderful and it made me very happy to hear it. Please understand that the post is mostly about the name thing because this is the only place where I can vent that. I have lots and lots of places where I can express my joy about the adoption itself.

In related news, Gary reported that Helen's foster family is interested in adopting her. At first I accepted that at face value, but I have since reconsidered. It certainly could be true. I hope it is true. On the other hand, this is the girl who told her foster father that she was going to be moving in with us. That she reported that HER foster parents wanted to adopt her during a lunch when her older brother was talking about being adopted, may reflect wishful thinking.

We will see.

Adult Adoption -- Difficult or Not?

Well, getting starting seems to be quite difficult.

The agency took a couple of weeks to tell us that they would cover the legal expenses. It turned out that it wasn't a matter of deliberating, just getting the same people into the same room so they could say "sure!" Then the first people they recommended are backed up and won't be able to do anything for at least 3 months.

Then they recommended someone (A2) else who gives them a discount rate and sometimes works as a GAL. They said that if there was a different lawyer that I wanted to work with I could. I wrote to my friend who is also a family lawyer. Working with friends in various capacities is dangerous and she responded that this one might be one of those situations. She sees complications that could end up taking a lot of time which would translate to expense. She can't match the discount rate A2 offers. In fact she is so nervous about A2 that she thinks maybe he isn't very good. She will ask around and get me a referral.

[I should mention here that I have had a cold that has turned into bronchitis. Everyone at home is sick, I hope with the same basic virus even though not all of us have been having the same level of stomach issues. FIL is back in the hospital and we are all trying not to be worried about him. Everyone, including me is tired and cranky and impatient.]

Anyway, I'm not sure that my friend is right to be concerned about this lawyer. My gut response is that someone who works as a GAL might very well have a discount rate for a private, non-profit foster care agency. The rate might reflect his commitment to this population, and the fact that he gets repeat work from them (a possibility my friend conceded).

I'm torn between trusting the agency that has been doing this for a while and has always been trustworthy, and my friend who is a family lawyer. I'm actually leaning more towards trusting the agency and their recommendation. Though my friend has represented some people adopting from foster care and knows about adult adoption, I don't think she knows much about precedent in adult foster-care-alumni adoptions.

The issue that is complicated, from her perspective, is that we are going to at least try to adopt Evan. In her county she thinks it wouldn't fly. Judges there, in The City, don't approve adult adoptions without parental consent. That makes sense to me, in most contexts. If someone were going to adopt Andrew I certainly think I should be consulted. If nothing else I should KNOW as it would mean that he was dis-inheriting himself. I just might want to re-write my will. I might agree ultimately that he shouldn't have to have my consent, but I would appreciate the judge saying, "This affects your parents and they need to be part of the processes."

Everyone I know from foster care around here thinks the judges will do no such thing. This is partly because the judges in my county seem not to care what everyone else does. They are ... um ... informal. Mostly though they think the difference is that it is post-foster-care adoption. Judges even ones in The City, most of my local foster-care-acquaintances believe, will not be inclined to seek consent from parents whose kids were in foster care for several years of their lives. The attitude among the social workers is that one of the reasons to wait until the kids are 18 is so that you can not worry about difficult parents.

(There is a whole post about the ethics of that. I've written before about my ethical problems with adopting Evan. This is not that post.)

My friend is a very careful and diligent lawyer. I respect her concerns and value her advice. Child custody/adoption cases from my county have apparently been over-turned at a higher rate than in other places. She doesn't want me to do something shady.

I don't either.

I'm just tired and cranky.

I want it to be simple. I want someone to say yes or no and move on.

Did I mention the tired and cranky part?

Gary's Sister, SNAFU (edited down)

For some reason last night as I was thinking about writing this post, I thought of Gary's sister as "Helen." I don't know why, but I did. I really wanted to meet her before I gave her a blog name, but as that may not happen at all, it is a good thing that one name just feels right now.

But I am getting ahead of the story.

As you know, Gary had been told that his first visit with his sister had to be supervised. This was not because anyone seriously believed that Gary would hurt her in any way, but just that it seemed sensible for the social worker to put a letter in the file saying that their interactions were appropriate, etc. Gary wasn't thrilled about that because he was afraid the visit would be horribly awkward. He spoke to his agency worker who suggested that she take the two of them out to lunch. Since Gary is so very comfortable with that worker, he agreed. She would save them from any awkwardness.

Last week the agreed on yesterday. Gary had another appointment in the morning that the worker was supposed to take him to, so it made sense to follow that up with a lunch with the sister. She (the worker) was planning on picking up Helen from her high school after the appointment on the way to lunch.

Gary and the worker waited for a full hour before Helen's state worker showed up to say that Helen wouldn't be coming. I don't know all the details, but I do know that Helen MIGHT be going back home and Will opposes them seeing each other.

And that is all, upon further consideration, I am going to say.

And there isn't a damn thing I can do.

We're doing okay

Just thought I would update you all.

Life has fallen back into it's usual pattern. Gary is better. He is still sad and stressed, but the first wave of over-whelming grief he experienced after last Wednesday is over.

Roland has figured out what he would need to do to the rec room and has put that aside.

Gary still hasn't seen his sister, though they speak on the phone. Gary is concerned that if they don't have an activity it will be awkward. I think he may be wrong about that. Based upon their phone conversations, I think she will have plenty to ask and say. But Gary is worried about that. The state worker thinks they should have a supervised visit first, which seems to mean sitting in an office or coffee shop with nothing to DO. We've turned it over to the agency worker to try to come up with a plan.

Gary still is leaning against having his sister placed with us. He may or may not change his mind after they are together. Of course the social workers will be the ones who make that decision. No one is officially talking about that right now. One thing at a time, and the next thing is getting the kids together for a visit.

So we continue with our daily lives. I'm at the beginning of a new term and have difficulties with the software that is supposed to make my life easier. (Yeah, I know). Brian is staying late after school for rehearsals for the latest production. Brian and Gary will both be having their wisdom teeth extracted in a couple of weeks. Yep, same day. Andrew will be home for his break and, though he doesn't know it yet, he will be driving one of them home while the second is in surgery. Sadly, I will be at work and unable to attend to them until the afternoon. It is the beginning of their spring break, so they won't have to miss school for recovery. I'm thoughtful that way.

Thank you for all your suggestions for blog names for Gary's sister. I won't be picking one until after I meet her.

Opposite of Freaked

After school yesterday Roland went down to the rec room with a measuring tape. After dinner he went out to an office supply store. Later I took a deep breath and asked what he was working on.

He explained that he figured out how to rearrange the rec room so that Andrew could have a partitioned-off section for his bedroom when he was here. He wanted some sort of movable partition so that we could store it when he was gone. Of course the large sofa the boys had got at a yard sale would have to go, but the love seat he had put in our bedroom could take its place. He had also been pricing desks since I would have to have one if Gary's sister took the room I now sort of share with Andrew.

"You know that it is unlikely that she will move in, right?"

"Why?"

"Because Gary doesn't think he wants her to move in. The agency is really good about making sure siblings have regular contact even if they don't live together. If Gary thinks it would be too much stress, they find a different home for her."

"Oh, right now he's just feeling overwhelmed!"

Um ... I don't know what to say.

Gary's Sister (update x 2)

So, anyone want to blog-name Gary's sister? She is fifteen or sixteen, interested in a medical career, reportedly does well in school, and reportedly has been "difficult to control." If I stick with my naming patterns she would either get a G-name or an H-name.

I just got a call from the state worker. For those who don't remember, this worker specifically works with teenagers who are expected to age out of the system. That doesn't mean that none of the kids he works with are ever reunited, just that they are not expected to. Will had a lie-detector interview yesterday and a lot apparently rides on the results of that. State worker doesn't know the results, but pending the outcome, Gary's sister will be assigned to him next week.

So here's the deal. I had one conversation with the state worker who asked if it was the case that Gary was interested in meeting with his sister. I said yes. The worker felt that since there had at one time been an order that Gary not have contact with his family that it would be wise for the first visit to be supervised so that he could write something in the file saying it seems safe to him. He can't supervise a visit until early next week. He said though that if the sister should be suddenly going home, he will cancel other appointments to make sure they get one face-to-face before then. Gary will be disappointed.

Half an hour later he called back. He had been talking to the sister's foster dad. "So, Gary and his sister talked last night?"

"Yeah, for a while."

"The foster dad said something about her coming to your house."

"Well, that is what Gary wanted. We were going to pick her up. Gary thought they would play Halo or something, and then she might go to his Judo class because she says she is interested in martial arts."

"I see. The foster dad wasn't talking about a visit. He was talking about placement. Is that something you are thinking about?"

Oh golly.

"Well, I haven't even talked to Roland about that. I can tell you just for me that though I've been saying that I want to be done doing care, I also know that there are some kids I can't say no to, and that probably includes Gary's sister. But there is a lot to work out. All my bedrooms are claimed ... one is claimed by a boy in college, but he still expects to have a place to sleep when he comes home, and well ... I think everyone would have to talk about this and Roland and I haven't talked about it at all."

He understood. I told him that when Gary was talking to me I felt like the question was "hanging in the air" but I didn't vocalize it because, again, I hadn't talked to Roland yet. I also didn't think that any decisions should be made until they spent some time together and everyone had a chance to figure out whether they would be best living together or just seeing each other regularly. I also reminded him that I don't have a state license and that I know she would be fast tracked into the agency, but there was no way she could come live here until she was in.

Apparently foster dad thought she might be moving in today.

Anyway, the state worker understands. He will talk to the foster dad and let him know that living with us is a possibility, but not something that she should plan on. He said that he wouldn't even count this conversation as an official discussion about the possibility of placement.

We can do that next week.

Roland is going to freak.

****Update****

Gary came home from school. I told him about the supervised visit. He's upset. He doesn't want to have to meet her in a coffee shop or something. They need something to DO. I told him to ask the state worker if they visit could be in our living room so they could play video games here. Whatever they work out will be fine with me.

I also asked him if he wanted us to consider having his sister live here. He said that he thought about it, but he doesn't think so. There was enough hesitancy in his voice that I wasn't sure that was what he wanted or what he thought we would want. So I went on. "If you want to keep thinking about it, that's okay. I figure when Andrew is home we would probably curtain off part of the rec room so it would be his room when he was here. We could do it. I'm not asking if you want to DO it, I just want to know if you want us to keep it open as a possibility."

He pondered for a minute and then said that yes, we should keep it open. He isn't ready though to decide if he wants to live with her until after he at least meets with her.

He's tired. Dark circles, the whole nine yards. He said he was tired of talking about it. Everyone kept wanting him to talk about it. Then he got a text message and muttered "I DON'T want to talk about it" while responding.

***2nd update***

So Roland didn't freak, much. I didn't ask, I told. And I talked fast. I explained that I wanted us to be OPEN to the POSSIBILITY that placement here was the best thing for both of them. He pointed out that whenever we have had new placements we have gone through a process of decision. I assured him that I was committed to the process, and really didn't know if this would be best for everyone. I just wanted to be open to the possibility. He agreed.

Gary walked in while we were talking and said that he thinks that her living her could quite possibly mess up his life in a major way. He had so much to deal with and adding living with her to the mix! Ug. Besides, she should stay in the same school system and have at least that much stability.

So I will tell the state worker that the private agency people are the ones that handle placement decisions, so he doesn't have to worry about it. Then I will tell the agency people that Roland and I are open to the possibility but that right now it doesn't look like it is what Gary wants.

Once again ... this is a problem I am deciding not to worry about for a while.

After the Hearing

First, thank you all for your kind comments, emails and tweets. I don't have the energy to respond to each of you, but it is so good to know that so many people care. It was particularly nice to hear from some of you who haven't commented in a while.

When the social worker brought Gary back in she signed (not ASL, but I got it) that Gary wanted to talk to me. I nodded and tried to make myself available. Gary was too emotionally exhausted at first. I did tell him that I was planning on cooking chicken thighs for dinner, but that he could have whatever comfort food he preferred. He said he wasn't hungry. I expected that to change suddenly, since he told me on the way to the hearing that he hadn't had much lunch and I know he never gets breakfast. Sure enough, half an hour later he wanted to know if we could order a GOOD pizza. I said yes and he picked out a chicken, bacon, ranch monstrosity.

Evan was going on his first business trip last night and was feeling insecure. He lives less than 10 miles from the airport and easily could have got a taxi, but that was one more new experience than he was up to. He had asked for a ride to the airport so after the pizza I drove 30 minutes to his house, 10 minutes to the airport, and 30 minutes home again. He apologized in the car and said, "I just want to feel like I'm participating in the family, you know?" I said I did, "Sometimes we just need mommy and daddy." I tried to tell him about the hearing. He listened commented on Will's behavior, and then talked about whether he had packed too many clothes.

When I got back I again made sure I was in a place Gary would feel comfortable talking to me if he wanted. It took him about half an hour.

He told me he called his sister who is in care. He was relieved that she wasn't angry at him at all, that none of his siblings were angry with him, which surprised him since he had always been told that they all hated him. The youngest kids, the boy who had been only a couple months old and the twins who were one when he left don't remember him. His sister had found and kept some photos of him. She said that the little ones had seen them and asked who he was. She wanted to tell them, "that's your big brother" but couldn't. That was one of the moments he pulled back tears.

He wants to see her. He talked her up to me, how she is getting straight A's, how carefully she is planning for her own future. If she stays in care she will go to the top of the line for the private agency, since she is a sibling of a current kid. He told her that it was a good thing. They had money for college and really good workers. He also told her how wonderful it was to just go into a shoe store and pick out shoes based upon whether he liked them and how they fit. "I don't even look at the price." That, by the way, isn't true. Gary doesn't pick out expensive shoes. He just gets a kick out buying shoes that are $5 more than the ones that would be perfectly acceptable if they weren't ugly. Gary is easier on the clothes budget than any of the other boys were.

He said that he thinks that the agency would be good for her, that she probably won't be able to go to college if she goes home, but that he wants her to know it is okay if she goes back. She should be able to go back if she wants. He always wanted to and never was able. Gary seems to think that whether she goes home is entirely up to her. I did not dispute that. Again, he choked back tears.

He told me that he tried to call his dad, but his dad wasn't home. "I think he thinks that everything is over, like he gave me away and won't ever see me again. I wanted to tell him that just because there's this piece of paper ... that doesn't mean that ... you know."

"I know."

He struggled with the tears again. He said again that his father cried when he said goodbye. Will had told him that he didn't want this but that it was the best thing for Gary. Will wouldn't have done it if we hadn't wanted to adopt him. He wouldn't have just let him loose in the world, but if he couldn't come home then it was better this way.

Gary bounced back and forth from being sympathetic to his dad to being angry, which is normal. He assured himself that Will really didn't want to do this, that he was genuinely very sad when they said goodbye. Gary doesn't remember his father ever crying before. His dad thinks this means they can't ever talk, but that isn't true.

And then he said, "My dad said, 'I do love you, you know. I just love my wife more.' I thought, yeah, that's it. He loves me. He just never loved me enough." Gary told me that he refused to make it easier for his father. He just didn't say anything and when he father was done saying goodbye he walked away.

At one moment he told me that the TPR was his father's action. "HE did it. It was his decision and he will have to live with that. He gave away his son."

Two minutes later he was re-claiming agency, "I'm just glad that in the end this was my decision. This happened because I wanted it, whatever he thinks."

Mostly I just listened. I wanted to hold him in my lap, but seeing as he is 8 inches taller than I am, and not interested in cuddling, I didn't. He talked about his sister again, about how the worst thing about leaving home was that he couldn't watch out for his siblings anymore but now maybe he has a second chance to be a big brother like he was supposed to be. He is trying to find a time when she can visit. He would like for her to spend this evening with us. I told him that we would agree with whatever she can get permission for, and that we would provide the transportation.

He told me that he needed to see her. "She's all I have left." I didn't remind him that he had us. He knows. He was sitting with me pouring his heart out. He knows. Right now he has to mourn.

And for those of you who are wondering ... I have said that I want to be done doing care, and I do. I have also said that there are some kids I know I can't say no to, and one of those would be my son's sister ... if it is what they really need and want, if the powers-that-be decide it is good and safe for them to live together, if she doesn't go back home. So I know we would take her, but I don't know how it will work. I woke up thinking that I didn't have enough bedrooms and we already have the maximum number of cell phones on the family plan. I'm deciding not to worry about all that today. There is enough to deal with now.

First Hearing Over

Ug...

So "Will," Gary's father, showed up. Gary, the agency social worker and I were all sitting on the pew (really, it had holders for hymnals in the back) in the hallway when Will appeared. He stood in front of Gary and asked him if he was prepared to deal with his stepmother. "She didn't expect to see you here and she's upset. Is there anything you want to say to her? No? What do you mean no? This is your chance, and you don't want to say anything?"

The agency worker, thank God, said that this was probably a conversation best had in a different setting, perhaps with a mediator. Will agreed, but said that he was disappointed in Gary's attitude. Then he sat down on the other end of the pew and asked a few questions about whether Gary was involved in anything extra-curricular, doing well in school, etc. I fielded those questions, telling Will how wonderful Gary was doing. We finally managed to separate into separate conversational groups.

We sat there for one hour.

Yes, one entire hour, on a wooden pew, in a hallway, 5 feet from the man who blames Gary for everything.

Finally we got to go into the courtroom. We learned that Will had already signed a form giving unconditional consent to the termination. After some discussion, the judge asked the Will if he wanted the courtroom cleared while they talked about it to make sure Will understood everything. Will did, so we all left the judge, Will, state social worker, GAL, and lawyers in the room.

After about 10 minutes Will came out and asked Gary to walk with him to the exit. We told Gary it was up to him. Gary went and came back trying not to cry.

The social worker and Gary both report that Will told them that he (Will) did not want to do this but knew that Gary could never come home and so agreed that this was in Gary's best interests.

Will is most certainly not taking responsibility for anything, but he is not fighting the TPR.

I told Gary he could have anything he wanted tonight. If he were older I would buy him beer. If he liked chocolate I would buy a gallons. If he wants to go to the Y and punch something, that can be arranged.

Right now he is out with the agency social worker, with whom he has a really good relationship, getting something to eat and talking.

My head hurts.

Something died today. An hour ago Gary stopped having a father.

****

The worker just brought him back. Gary's been crying. I'm about ready for a good cry myself.

Hearing Rescheduled

So this afternoon was to be the TPR hearing. It was going to address both parents. Gary has been anxious about it. I told students that I would be unavailable to help them on their papers even though they are due at the end of the week. Roland arranged to leave work early. Agency worker made plans to pick Gary up at school for lunch and then to the court.

And did I mention that Gary has been stressed?

If I ask him if he is okay, he says he is fine, but he doesn't look fine. He looks like he hasn't had a good night's sleep in a week.

Yesterday I got an email from the state worker telling me that because of Will's (Gary's father) new involvement with DSS, they have a good address for him. So the state worker will be sending Will a letter. Future tense. As in had not yet sent the letter even though it was the day before the hearing. So I emailed back asking how that could be possible. Had the hearing been rescheduled?

This morning I got a call from the agency worker saying she had JUST been told that the hearing today was vacated. A hearing on his father's rights will be next week and a hearing on his mother's will be at the end of March. She wanted to know if anyone had told me. I said no.

Three hours before the hearing I got an email from the state worker telling me that he just called someone or other and confirmed that the hearing for today has been vacated.

Uh huh, that's his way of avoiding confessing that he should have told me about this a week ago.

I am so very glad I don't have to work with the state very often.

I have this whole email that I am writing in my head. I'm not sure if it will be to the social worker and copied to his supervisor or the other way around. I have various versions of it, some nicer than others. An hour ago I decided not to send it until I had an hour to cool down, which hasn't helped. Now I've decided that I am going to wait until I get home and check the unopened mail and the phone answering machine.

I'm pretty sure there won't be anything because the state worker always communicates with me by email, but I will check.

Did I say that I was angry? I'm stressed. We all thought there was a very good chance that it would be finished today. Now it will be another six weeks minimum.

Gary's Sibs

Some of my posts are carefully written. A few are just fact recording, and others are just jumbles. I think this is in the latter category.

The state social worker called last night. Gary's sister, the one who is a year younger than he born when their parents were still married and looks so much like their father (previously blogged-named "Will"), is now in care.

All I know is that she revealed something to a social worker. Will found out, and beat her "pretty badly." She is sixteen. It is too early for there to be a permanency plan, but if she is likely to stay in care she will be top priority for getting into the private agency Gary is in. They do that with siblings. They often don't place them together, in this case they certainly wouldn't, but communication/visits is facilitated when they have social workers who have offices next to each other. It would be a comfort for Gary too knowing that his sister is in the best possible place.

She will have the same problems with kinship placement that Gary did, namely, there is no one fit and willing. Gary is worried for the younger children. There are two younger step-sisters and three half siblings. He was figuring out what relatives they have and hoping they were with them.

It makes me nauseous. Gary is trying to process it. The social worker called because sister-in-care wants to see him. According to the worker she was very excited about it. Gary is wary. The very limited contact he has had has not gone well. He was worried about her being hurtful to him, angry, blaming him somehow for everything. That of course has been his experience in the family -- the only one who has been held accountable for anything, the one everyone blames. That this sister said she could not confirm any of the reports G made against his abusers doesn't help either.

I suggested that maybe she needs to see him because now she is without family too and could really use a big brother who has been in the system and can help her understand and cope. That was a role he seemed more willing to play, but was not confident that was what she wanted.

So he called the agency worker. All the kids have the workers cell phones. We parents are encouraged to call the office phone off-hours and get the message service to get us the on-call worker. My kids' workers have always been happy to take my kids calls 24/7. Of course, they rarely call. The agency worker said that she would get all the information she could for him, hopefully today. She would even see if she could meet with the sister. She confirmed that siblings in care are usually brought into the agency quickly if that is appropriate.

My first thought, as was probably yours, was whether we should take her too. Given the tensions and the total lack of contact for six years, no one is going to support that right now. They will want to help the two of them have as much contact as they want. She's sixteen. I can see scenarios in which she ends up with us, but I would not expect anyone to ask us to do, or agree if we asked, any time soon.

Of course for Gary this comes at a rough emotional time. We anticipate the TPR being granted next week. The chance that his mother, whom no one has been able to find for the past year, was going to show up seemed far from likely. No one expected his father, though it was possible. Now though, it is hard to imagine the judge not granting it given what has happened. Gary had been thinking about the TPR as cutting off his relationship to the entire family. That his sister is in care and wants to see him, is threatening that understanding of what is happening.

That his father is being charged and held accountable by the state seems right and good to him. That all the children might get out of that house also seems right and good.

He looked pretty exhausted this morning. I expect he was up most of the night, texting his friends.

Updating the Blog Notification Box

It's been a while, so if you know of foster care blogs whose new posts don't appear in the notification box on the right, please let me know.

If it is your blog, don't be shy about giving me the address.

I can't promise I will start reading new blogs. I've become so busy I am not keeping up with any blogs. I do however want to help people interested in foster care to find each other.

Thinking about the process

Yesterday's post was written quickly, right after the hearing and before Roland and I left for another appointment. I wanted to get down what happened before it became foggy in my mind. I wanted to remember. I also wanted to express a frustration with a system that kept mis-representing what we said. There wasn't a whole lot of reflection though.

I want to add something to the dry accounting of facts though. The state social worker who was there was not smarter or nicer than the regular one. She is the regular social worker's supervisor. My guess is that she is the one who said something like, "If they aren't planning on adopting before he is 18, is it really a good idea to spend all this money?" (The expensive part is what they have to do in a different state given that all mail to his mother has come back as undeliverable.) She was also the person who was able to listen to our reason and had the authority to reverse the decision. I am so very happy that she was there. So in two weeks there should be a TPR hearing. The consensus is that neither parent will have responded and the TPR will be granted at that time. Other outcomes are possible, of course.

I continue to feel unexpectedly relieved and Gary continues to feel empowered.

I know I said it in yesterday's post, but I really do feel the way I think I would if we just had a family meeting and decided that it was time to turn off the life support of a family member who had been in a terrible accident and been in a coma for months. On one hand this isn't the way the world was supposed to be. My made-up relative wasn't supposed to be in a terrible accident. Gary's parents were supposed to be able to take care of him themselves. In the world I imagine, this would not be happening. But in this world, where what has happened has happened, we are doing the right thing. We are letting go. There will be an end to the limbo, the waiting, this particular betwixt and between state. The next stage is mourning, which is has it should be.

And Gary is feeling empowered. I hate that word. I try never to use it because it is so over-used, but this time it is the right word. He no longer sees himself as the abandoned child. He is the actor, the decider. In his re-telling of the hearing last night he was the central character. If he hadn't been there it all might have happened differently. The judge made the decision because HE said it was what he wanted.

Suddenly he does want to come to the TPR hearing. He wants to be able to speak. Right now at least, he almost wants his father to show up so he can tell him to his face that it is too late. Gary has the power, not his dad.

As the once-adolescent child of an alcoholic I understand this so well. I imagined the same thing in my teens and twenties. I often wanted to tell people that my father wasn't really my FATHER. I wanted to cut him out of my life. I was jealous of my mother and the lack of guilt she had about divorcing him. He just wasn't part of her life anymore. She just didn't have to think about him and she didn't have to feel guilty for not thinking about him. I wanted to be able to make some grand gesture and have it all be over. After that there would be no pain. I would not debate whether to allow my children to have time with him, whether to allow him to visit or to visit him. It would all be over.

As the adult child of an alcoholic I know it wouldn't have worked out like that and it almost certainly will not work out that way for Gary. Our relationships with people who raised us and failed us is part of who we are. Even if they die, the effects they have had on our lives remain. I am not saying that we never get over it, or maybe I am. The pain comes back at odd moments, but it lessens, becomes more manageable and ceases to define our lives.

And I don't think the TPR is going to make as much of a difference to Gary's emotional journey as he thinks it will, but it is important none-the-less.

On off and on again

Okay... here's the scoop on the TPR process for Gary.

August: Gary's dad calls Gary, says unkind things including that he (dad) wants to terminate his parental rights.

Shortly there after state social worker (SSW) visits and asks what everyone thinks about TPR and adoption. We tell him that we are absolutely interested in adopting Gary if that is what he wants. Gary says he does, probably when he is done with high school.

September: Court changes case plan from long-term foster care (or whatever it said) to termination and adoption.

People scurry. SSW writes and files documents. Lawyers attempt to contact Gary's parents. All mailings to the mother come back as undeliverable. Attempts to find more current address fail. Everything sent to his father apparently falls into a black hole. There is no response. Notice is put in the newspaper of the father's most recent residence. Department prepares to put notices in the papers of the last known addresses of the mother. Permanency hearing dates are scheduled and are weeks away.

Then I get a phone call from the SSW worker who seems to have suddenly realized that Gary doesn't want to be adopted before he is 18. SSW mentions how expensive it will be to do the notices in the paper for the mother. Says that the department does not think it is important to do TPR if he won't be adopted before then. In fact they have a policy against making teenagers legal orphans if there is no adoption plan.

I tell him that the plan is to adopt Gary when he finishes high school.*

SSW tells me that he will write in the document that Gary is clear about wanting the TPR but is ambivalent about adoption so the department with withdrawal the petition for TPR. I try to clarify.

Agency social worker writes in her report that Gary has expressed a clear desire to "divorce his parents" and be adopted after high school. Though the TPR is not legally necessary for his eventual adoption, it is psychologically important to Gary.

Social worker files a petition (or whatever) telling the court that based upon Gary's ambivalence about being adopted, they will no longer be seeking TPR.

Okay, now we are up to this week.

I talked to my family lawyer friend who says that standard practice is to seek parental consent for adult adoptions when there has been no TPR.

Today there was a different state worker, one who does not seem to have difficulty understanding simple declarative sentences. I explain what the lawyer said and that I would like for the TPR determination to go forward. She checks with Gary and agency to see if they agree. They affirm that is what they have been saying all along. She says she will explain that to the lawyer.

We enter the court. There is a new judge, younger, more formal. He reviews the status of the case saying that his report from the department is that everyone, including the agency and Gary, have changed their minds about the adoption plan and so the department is withdrawing the petition for TPR. He asks Gary if he has anything to add. Gary states that he does want to correct the record. He does want the TPR to happen although he doesn't want to be adopted until after he is 18. The judge is clearly listening. This is important to him.

The judge asks if Roland and I have anything to add. I say, "Yes, your honor. We are in the process of adopting our older children from foster care. The family lawyer has told me that standard practice is to seek parental consent if there has not been a TPR. Since we plan on adopting Gary when he is ready, I favor the TPR." (Okay, I might not have been that eloquent, but that is how I remember it.)

The judge asks the state worker what she thinks. She says that they are in favor termination and adoption as the plan for Gary. There change was based upon a mis-understanding of what the family and Gary wanted. (Yeah, right). Given what we have said, she would like to re-instate (or not withdrawal or whatever) the petition.

The judge asks the GAL. She reports that this is not her case but that the previous GAL favored termination.

So it is back on. Judge asks if there is any reason why there have been two hearings scheduled for the TPR. No one has any reason. He confirms with everyone that all attempts to contact the parents so far have had no results. So he consolidates the hearings. In two weeks the court will consider the termination of both parents' rights.

And I feel like a weight has lifted, like we have decided that someone who has been sick for along time will be allowed to die. It is sad. I may wish that many things were different, but this the right thing to do. It is what is best for everyone else. It is time to let go.

On the way home Gary told me happily about that this means that he doesn't have to feel guilty about them or anything. They aren't going to be his parents and it just doesn't matter what they think ever again. He says, "And it will because of something *I* did. I decided, not them."

I think to myself that it is not going to be that simple for him, but I get it.

__

* Note: Gary will tell you "when after I turn 18." He also has a plan in which he finishes high school within a month of turning 18. If you can get him to consider the possibility that it might take longer to graduate, he will tell you that he wants to be adopted after that. It isn't really about his age. It is about him wanting to continue to receive full support from the agency for as long as he would have in any case. He LIKES his agency social worker.)

Guest Post: Adopting Teens?

I have another email that I have permission to post for your guidance and wisdom!

Hi Yondalla,

I just stumbled onto your blog today, although I guess "stumbling" isn't quite accurate because I was doing an internet search on "adopting teenagers" and your blog naturally fell into that category. I hope you don't mind me asking for some advice.

I'm 50 y.o., my husband is 54, we have two daughters ages 23 and 18, the oldest graduated college last year and is living in another state and the youngest just started college and is close by. To my surprise I did not suffer from empty nest syndrome as I expected to. In fact, I found that I enjoy having the house to myself when I get home from work, cooking just one dinner instead of something for my husband (who is trying to lose weight) and something else for my daughter (who would like something more substanial, please...) starting some new hobbies and having the freedome to travel...well, you probably get the picture.

Then, somehow, I started reading about the foster kids who are awaiting adoption (I don't even remember how it started) and soon became fixated on the idea of taking one of these kids into our family. I finally got up the nerve to broach the subject with my husband this weekend and he wasn't quite as freaked out by the idea as I thought he might be, but I'm not sure at this point that he will ever be able to commit to it.

Anyway, what I'd like is someone with experience to answer some questions since I don't feel like I can start even the beginning process (where I might get those answers from the adoption professionals) until/unless my husband comes on board. Also, I've found posting questions on message boards on a topic with which one is unfamiliar, puts you in the bullseye for often harsh criticism from people "in the know".

First, these are my reasons for wanting to do this:

1) There are kids who will never have a family unless someone adopts them, and providing a family is something I feel we have the resources to do

2) I like teenagers! I know, it surprised me, but i found that to be my favorite parenting age. I liked my own kids and I liked their friends and I feel like I could do "just one more".

3) I think it would be nice for my girls to have a brother; as the youngest of 5 girls I always kind of wished I'd had a brother.

4) It's a good thing to do; whether it turned out as rewarding and fun as my fantasies, or was more difficult than I expected, I don't think I could ever say it was a bad idea...unless, I suppose, if things went horribly tragically wrong.

Here are my questions:

1) Is it OK to be choosy? I feel guilty even asking that, or running through the mental list of what I would ask for if being choosy, but realistically I would want the one child who would fit most perfectly in our family and who could best benefit from what we could offer.

For one thing, I think I would like a boy; ideally 14-16; and for reasons I can't even figure out myself (we are white) I am more drawn to the African-American kids whose profiles I have seen. I don't think we would be the best fit for kids with serious mental or emotional issues, but think we could be great for that kid who just needs a supportive family and has the motivation and desire to work toward his future. A kid who wants to go to college would be best, only because we have the means and knowledge to assist him with that, but I wouldn't rule out a kid who has the desire to learn a trade or enter the military. A kid who would be willing to move to another state, and while I would not have a problem supporting his ties to a birth or foster family, it would be better if those ties were not so strong as to prevent him becoming bonded to our family or require frequent in-person visits.

Is that a lot to ask? Am I being unrealistic and/or naive? Will I be drummed out of an adoption agency if I go in with those kinds of restrictions?

Anyway, I appreciate you at least reading this, it gave me something to do with all of these thoughts while I wait for my husband to think about this. If you have any answers or advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Adult Adoption Progress

So... adoption news. It's not much, but it is something.

I have received an update on the agency. It appears that they won't just pay their lawyer to do it, which they would if the boys were still in the program. However, they are doing some investigation into how much it costs and then will probably offer to reimburse me for some of the expense. We will do it anyway, but I am happy to accept help if they want to give it. Given that the boys are actually men in their twenties, I'm fairly confident that there is no tax benefit involved.

I emailed my family lawyer friend who does adoptions. She is the one will will hire if things go the way I expect with the agency. I did learn a few interesting things.

Standard practice, at least in the court that includes The City, is to require permission of living biological parents whose rights have not been terminated. She would like to tell me that that is the practice in my county, but she will make no predictions. Judges here have a reputation for being lax about such things as court room procedure and just about anything else not spelled out in the law. Still, I can tell Evan that it is standard practice, though not legally required, and therefore I can only adopt him if his mother gives her permission. She won't, which is half the reason I didn't want to do it anyway. The other half is that she is part of his life. I don't know if we would need her permission for Roland to adopt him. I hope not. I try not to say bad things about my children's parents, but she has a past pattern of manipulative behavior. I think it would be very unlikely to get her to actually agree as long as saying that she MIGHT agree would give her power over anyone.

Anyway, though I think Evan might be disappointed that I can't adopt him, I am relieved. To be clear, I would love to be his mother if he didn't already have one. If the law/standard practice allowed me to adopt him without his mother's permission I know that ultimately I would not be able to say no to him. I was hoping to persuade him that it was a bad idea.

That won't be an issue for the other two boys. Carl has a father who is probably still alive, and probably lives somewhere in North or Central America. I am hoping that standard practice includes not requiring permission from parents who haven't been heard from in 17 years.

Given this, I think I will talk to the state social worker about pursuing termination on Gary's father. It looks like it will make the adoption quite a bit easier later. I don't know if they will agree, but it is worth asking. If they say no, I will ask if I can have a report of everything that they did in their attempts to get his parents to respond to the TPR notice, or anything.

Agency on adoption

Though I could probably get this into a tweet, and perhaps I shall, I heard back from the agency regarding our inquiry regarding assistance for legal fees to adopt older boys:

"I am gathering information about our legal services and will get back to you with a solid plan asap. Thanks and we are so happy to hear about this for your family."

Adoption conversations move forward

So Carl called me yesterday and we FINALLY go to talk about adoption. He is the only of the boys who calls us "Mom" and "Dad." He had no hesitancy at all. I think he was happy, and thought it was about time, darn it.

I've decided that being "engaged to be adopted when the parents get around to it" is too stressful for the older boys, especially Evan. So I am going to make definitely plans, and not wait until Gary is ready.

Gary says he wants to be adopted after he turns 18 in October. That is close enough that it would make sense to wait, EXCEPT what he really wants is to be adopted when he would be leaving the agency anyway, which is after he graduates. In his plans he graduates from an on-line high school in October, 2010. I agree it is possible, but I'm not going to make any plans for that. Since he could easily not graduate until May 2011, I'm going to move ahead on the older boys.

The agency typically pays legal fees when their kids are adopted. The social worker said that she would check to see if that is true even when the "kids" are 22, 23, and 26. We will do it either way, but I'm not going to turn down financial assistance.

Next I have to contact the family lawyer and get some questions answered.

I think it is possible to adopt Carl even if he can't be here physically, but that does not sound like fun. He tells me that he needs some lead time to arrange to be gone, but he can be here whenever. I want to do it when Andrew will be home.

So we are on the road.

---

Gary admits to feeling tired, but denies that he is sad or angry or anything. The permanency hearing is in about a month, and I know that it all stresses him out. He should see his therapist soon (same one he was seeing when he first came to us), and hopefully he can talk about it there. I've wondered if adopting the older boys without him will make him feel left out. I can't know for sure, of course, but I have decided that by adopting the older boys now I am at least making it clear that we are serious about adopting him. It will happen, and it will happen when he is ready for it, and not before.

My theory though is that he can't really think about that until after he is done grieving his first family and he can't finish that until the hearing is over and he knows absolutely that neither parent is going to show up and say they want him. He knows that won't happen, but I suspect he needs to go through it before some part of him stops hoping.

For those who don't know us, I want to assure you that we will always encourage the boys in any efforts they make to contact or develop relationships with their first families. Always.

And I have decided that I will let Evan decide whether he will be adopted by just Roland or by both of us. When I think about it in the abstract, I am convinced that the ethical high road is the one where just Roland adopts him. Evan's relationship with his mother, as I have said before, is complex. He tells me that I have been "more of a mother to him" than she has, and I think he is being honest. On the other hand, she IS his mother.

However, I will let him decide. Evan isn't an abstraction. He is a young man and I will let him decide what he needs. I won't deny him something I am giving to the rest of the boys.

Guest Post: Advice Sought

I received the following as an email this morning. I've made one short reply, and now have permission to post this for your response. Please give any support/thought you can.

In subsequent emails, the writer asked for a list of appropriate reading materials she could get for the young woman.

Thank you from her and me!

*******************************************

Hello,
I've been reading your blog for quite a while. I'm a foster mom and had something happen this past weekend that I need some advice on how to handle.

My husband and I have been fostering a teenage girl for the past 1-1/2 years. She has been in and out of residential a couple of times during that time because of some pretty severe behavior issues but we are currently having her home on weekends and working toward bringing her back home soon. K is 17 years old but emotionally much younger. She has suffered severe neglect during her childhood and has severe abandonment issues. She is parentified, having had to care for three younger siblings over the course of a couple of years while mom was drinking. At one time before she was in our care, she disclosed being sexually abused but then retracted stating she said it for revenge purposes. Recently she said she thought it was real for a long time but now thinks it was just a dream.

This past weekend, she was home, using our computer and my husband found that she had searched on YouTube for "girls kissing and grinding." He asked her about it and she said one of the other girls in residential had told her to look it up. He simply told her it was not appropriate to use our computers to look for sexually explicit videos. About 5 minutes later she came to us and told us that she wanted to explain. She said she has been confused about her sexuality but she thinks maybe it is because she has been so confined and has lived with so many other girls for so long. She admitted to "experimenting" and then quickly added that she was "over it now." She was obviously scared and teary eyed when telling us all of this and admitted being afraid we would hate her. We assured her that we loved her no matter what but that she wasn't allowed to search out sexually explicit material on the computer. She came to me alone later and again said she was worried what we thought about her. I assured her that I was more concerned about her mis-use of the computer than I was about her sexuality. We talked at length about her confusion and I encouraged her to talk to her therapist about it but she was very hesitant to do that. She said she thinks it is just something that happens to girls when they are so confined with other girls. She suggested that a couple of the girls she lives with have made sexual advances toward her and she went along with it. I tried to validate her feelings and assured her I would be supportive of her either way. But this is new territory for me and I really wasn't sure what to say. There were tears and hugs and then it was over. It wasn't brought up again the rest of the weekend.

We have never suspected K of being lesbian. She has always shown an interest in boys. So this was a shock to us. We feel like we handled it pretty good. I hope. My question is where to go from here. Should I let her therapist or caseworker know what she told us? Should the residential staff know what's going on with the girls? Or should I leave it up to K to tell? Something about just leaving it up to her doesn't feel right because I don't really think she'll tell anyone else.

Thank you for any suggestions you can give me. I appreciate your blog and how open you are about sharing all the emotional ups and downs in foster parenting. Now I appreciate you even more because I really need support in handling this new little twist in our fostering experience!

Update from Sis

Sis is in a turmoil, of course. She is working out some plans. She has contacted BIL's sister and her husband. They are not surprised and have agreed to let BIL live with them for at least a while. BIL has been seeing a therapist and admits that his behavior has been abusive. He believes he needs to change and wants the change.

Sis is confused and trying not to fall apart.

She has turned down my offer to stay here or to send Nephew here for any length of time. A lot of Nephew's anger is directed at Brian. It is not that he thinks that Brian is the cause, but Brian got everything that Nephew wanted. He is deeply jealous and sometimes when Nephew has been jealous he has hurt people. Nephew is working on those issues, but Sis thinks that separating Nephew from everything, including his therapist, and putting him here would be a very bad idea.

I am sad that I can't be more helpful, but I know that Brian and Roland would not have been happy living with Nephew, so I am also relieved. Gary would not have been happy either, but he has a different perspective. He is willing to live with someone who makes him crazy rather than have that person go into the foster care system. Brian and Roland would agree theoretically, but ... well, they have less experience living with people who drive them nuts.

Help for my sister

My sister lives in St. Cloud, Minnesota.

Some of you have read her story here. The update is that her husband may be unexpectedly coming home from Iraq in less than four weeks. This is not good.

There will be a restraining order so that my BIL cannot come near my nephew, but Sis is frightened. She has been going to school full-time and doesn't have a job. She is looking but not confident that she can find something that will support her and the kids. She is not confident that BIL will continue to support the family voluntarily. The therapist has suggested that one option is allowing her son to go into foster care while she and her daughter continue to live with her husband. I don't think that is an option she can CHOOSE, though it might be a possible consequence of things she does not plan on choosing.

I've thought about letting her ship him to me for at least a while. Given that he did fire a gun in Brian's general direction (18 months ago, true) and has a good relationship with a therapist THERE, I don't think that is ideal.

I know some of you are in Minnesota. If you know anything that could be helpful, please contact me. Let me know if Sis can contact you directly.

pflagfostermom at gmail dot com

__

Update: Sis is contacting a couple of BIL's siblings. Though Nephew and BIL will both be angry that she "told" what was going on, she will do it. She is confident that these siblings will believe and understand. Her hope is that one or more of them will allow BIL to live with them so she and the kids can stay in the house.

coming out of denial

Thursday the agency worker came for a monthly visit, but it was perhaps more serious than before. She wanted to spend some time just talking with me and Roland about adoption. We were clear that we want to adopt Gary, that we would happily adopt him now if that was what he wanted although we genuinely appreciate the support we get from the agency. Gary says he wants to be adopted after he is 18 (which is when he imagines that he will graduate). If he is sincere in that, I am happy to wait also.

She needed to know about this because along with the notification of the termination hearing she got some 60 pages of paper work for her to fill out. I don't know exactly what it is, but it is part of the adoption stuff. The worker talked to someone at the state office who seemed to think we were full steam ahead on the adoption, and that it would likely happen this Spring. The agency worker wanted to know if this was what we wanted or if it was a runaway train. I told her that I had tried to be honest with everyone, but that some of the momentum might be my fault. Though I think the advantages to Gary weigh on the side of waiting, if anyone asks me if I want to adopt him the answer is yes. I think though that much of the energy is coming from the state worker who seems to be so excited about being part of the adoption of a 17-year-old that he isn't really listening.

After talking to us she took Gary out to lunch. They were gone a while and he came back looking spent. The agency worker told me that she was going to talk to the state people and tell them that we did not want them to push adoption. None of us wanted to do it right now. She didn't tell me what Gary had said, but I think he had been clear that he didn't want to do it now.

We all talked briefly about whether it made any sense to do the TPR. I forget exactly how the conversation went, but the worker said something that made me think that it was important to Gary. I said, "I was always jealous of my mom because she got to divorce my dad and I didn't." The worker understood that sentiment and said to Gary, "And you get to divorce yours." Gary agreed, with emotion. It was a small emotion, but the most he has been willing to show regarding the TPR process. He took a step away from "I don't care what happens" to taking satisfaction in it. He is a child who has been abandoned in more ways than one and this time he is doing the leaving.

And the dam of denial broke.

A psychology professor once reminded me that denial is a good thing. It protects us from feeling and thinking things that we are not ready to think or feel. We need that protection or we could not cope. The feelings will come when we are ready for them. (Herein lies one of the great rewards of parenting traumatized children. Helping them feel really safe means allowing them to feel the rage and pain.)

Since Thursday Gary has had a hard time sleeping. He has, thank all that is good and holy, been talking to his social worker and given her permission to talk to me. He desperately wants to know who is biological father is. He doesn't know if his biological father even knows he exists, but Gary wants to know who he is. He wants to know which American Indian tribe he comes from.

He feels adrift, unconnected. His feelings of guilt for things he has done, things that precipitated him losing his place in his family, are once again haunting him. He does not feel worthy of being loved. He thinks often about just leaving on his 18th birthday next September, living a life of wandering, not being connected to anyone. Though he continues to talk to his girlfriend, she is not currently his girlfriend. He can't bear to have her tell him that she loves him when he is so unworthy. He texted his social worker yesterday morning and said that he is willing to go back to counseling.

The social worker talked to me on the phone while I was out taking Andrew last-minute shopping before catching his plane. She wanted to make sure that I was not going to have a hard time with Gary talking about feeling like running, unworthy of love, and unconnected to us. I told her that I was relieved that he was feeling. The denial bothered me more, and it renewed my commitment to hold off on adopting him. He needed time to grieve his first family before joining a new one. She said she was going to try to find him a counselor but that though they did work with some in Our Small Town, probably the best she could find would be in The City, would that be okay? I reminded her that I had a history of working with GLBT kids, all of whom had counselors in The City. Evan and Carl's therapists' offices were on the far side of The City, 45 minutes one-way. If she would find the right therapist, we would take him.

[And this, is what I mean about appreciating the agency support. I will not deny that that monthly check makes everything easier, but it is knowing that if the kid needs a therapist they will find one -- and the right one -- that I really appreciate.]

I caught up Roland. I told him that I officially didn't have permission to tell him, but I wanted him to know. I suggested that he try to give Gary a little extra attention without looking like he was being prompted to give him extra attention.

When I got back from dropping off Andrew I went to Gary who was at his computer. I told him that his worker called. He said he knew. I assured him that everything he was feeling was normal and good. He nodded and let me hug him.

Last night when no one was up but the two of us I asked him if he wanted to talk. He said no.

"Would you tell me if you did?"

"Probably not."

"Well, that sucks."

"Yeah. It is just the way I am."

"You know you can tell me and I will listen."

"Yeah."

"You can also ask for hugs."

"That's what girlfriends are for."

"And mommies."

And he gave me a small smile and a big hug.

I don't think the next part is going to be easy, but I think we will get through it.

Adoption and David

So, I finally had the conversation with David about adopting him. He was pleased to accept. He doesn't tend to extreme expressions of pleasure, so the quiet smile and "Yeah, that's okay with me" was enough.

To back up: David was here with his boyfriend, the one he has dated for more than a year and whom we like so very much; Evan came alone, no longer dating the too-young, too-dependent boy we were always very nice to; and Andrew brought his girlfriend Alice. Andrew spent Christmas Eve with Alice's family, learning to make tortillas from scratch and scarfing down on all the tamales so that there were none to bring home to me, which Alice promised she would try to do.

So I had all my kids except Carl here for dinner yesterday. That alone always makes me happy, not the missing Carl part you understand. David's boyfriend has biblical (Hebrew scriptures) name and after one glass of wine I called him by another that really does sound a lot like it. Something like, "Micah, I mean Michael..." except his actual name and the one I called him are both uncommon. (I think I will start using "Michael" for him. It is a good name for someone who looks so lovingly at the man I call "David.") I corrected myself immediately and apologized. He smiled and said it was okay, "It's a mom thing."

We talked a little bit about the ways the boys could change their names, or not. Evan is thinking about asking the judge if he can change his last name to his father's. His dad died when Evan was three and having Roland, or both of us, adopt him while reclaiming his father's name would be a way of claiming us all, not to mention a way of demonstrating to his family that he means no disrespect to his father. David said he had been talking about how much he had just recently been talking about how he wanted to change his name. He told us about how he was struck with the name of one of his customers and had thought about changing it to that. Michael told him it would not happen in our state. Michael tried to change his name some years back and the judge told him that the only legal reasons for doing it were change in family relationships or if you were in mortal fear of your life. Since he had neither, she assumed he was trying to commit fraud and she wouldn't help.

As far as I understand the law, the judge mis-informed Michael. The law does state that you cannot change your name if the intent to do commit fraud, but does not specify legally acceptable reasons.

Anyway, we all agreed that Evan's desire to take his father's name would probably make sense to a judge and that David would probably have to decide between taking our name or keeping the one he has. I reminded everyone that they could make either name their middle or last name.

Now I have to get Carl on the phone to have the conversation with him.

I am talking to the older boys now because I don't want them to hear about it after hearing about the situation with Gary. I don't want anyone thinking that they were an after-thought. On the other hand, after talking the other day with Evan I am beginning to think asking them to spend a year and a half with a promise to adopt and no action may be more emotionally draining that I realized (which wouldn't be difficult because I stupidly did not even consider whether that would be an emotionally difficult position to be in). So I am seriously considering calling my family lawyer friend and seeing if I can't adopt the older boys fairly soon. I like the idea of doing all four at once, but that is a lesser consideration.

Anyway, we had a good day yesterday. Everyone was pleased with their presents, and we had the usual fight over the leg of lamb. Gary, David, Andrew and I managed to get some slices off before Roland saw it, exclaimed that it was going to kill us, and put it back in the oven until it was just pink, and not red, in the middle. "That is plenty rare. It is still juicy. It is NOT dried out!"

Evan and (the myth of) Adoption

I had a longish conversation with Evan yesterday and I have been trying to write a post that is about my feelings without violating his privacy.

The conversation was mostly about his mother. He wanted to talk about what he did, and did not, owe her. She is far less self-destructive than many people I have known, but she does get herself into difficult situations and wants and expects her son to rescue her. That Evan's baby sister's welfare is sometimes at stake makes it all the more difficult.

Now, as most readers know, Roland and I are planning on adopting the boys who came to us from foster care. They range from 17 to 26. The older two have no parents. The stories are complex, but there is nothing in them that gives me pause. Adopting them fits clearly into my ethical framework. Adoption is to provide parents for children who don't have them. That these young men are legal adults does not mean that they don't need parents. They do, and we are the only candidates. The youngest is more complicated, but I've written about that recently and that is not what this post is about. The short version is that I wish what was happening to him wasn't happening, but if it does we will adopt him and not regret it.

I can't however find myself at peace with respect to Evan.

The truth is (and my darling, if you are reading, please don't be hurt) that if he were the only boy to come to us from foster care we never have considered adopting him. He has a mother. She is part of his life. She is a difficult, pain-causing part of his life, but she is there.

When Evan talks to me about his mother I think a lot about my father. I remember when I was Evan's age that I did not want to acknowledge his (my father's) existence. I was hurt and angry and slowly coming to terms with the truth that he was never going to be different. I had to give up on that dream. I was jealous of my mother because she was able to divorce him. She wasn't related to him any more and she didn't have to worry about him. She was no longer his wife, but I would always be his daughter. I struggled to figure out what that meant. I toyed with the idea of cutting him out of my life entirely. If I just didn't give him my address when I moved, would anyone else? Could I go on as though he didn't exist?

So when Evan talks to me and our conversation shifts from his mother to the adoption, I find myself wondering if it would have changed things if someone had adopted me. If I had a new, legal father, would that have given my father less power to hurt me? Would it have settled any of the questions about what, if anything, I owed him?

I don't think it would.

Because it is a myth that adoption, especially adoption of older children and adults, unmakes the previous relationships. I think it can make a new one, but it does not erase the past. It doesn't even create barrier between the past and the future.

I eventually found a degree of peace in my relationship with my father. He can certainly make me moderately nuts, but mostly I have my boundaries set in ways that make me comfortable. I accept what he wants to give us, but I no longer expect or hope for something he isn't. And if I had been adopted by someone else as a teen or an adult, I suspect I would have had to travel the same journey. It would have been no easier. And I think the same is true for Evan. My adopting him won't make his relationship with his mother easier. It could though make it worse.

One way that it would make his life easier is in all those getting-to-know you conversations, one of the really difficult things for kids who have been in the system. Most of us have different levels in friendship. Some people we interact with and know almost nothing about. Some we know better and we share a bit more. Some are intimates and know our pain. When you grow up in foster care (and probably other situations) it is difficult maintain that. So many questions don't have truthful, non-mysterious answers. It would be easier for Evan when he meets people to be able to truthfully tell them that his parents live in Our Small Town, are educators, and members of PFLAG, and only later share that we are adoptive parents, that he still has a relationship with his mother, and that relationship is complicated and sometimes painful.

I get that.

But here is my dilemma.

On one hand it feels impossible to deny to Evan what I am offering to the other boys and wrong for me to decide what is best for him and his life. I don't love him less than the other boys. I don't want to offer him less.

On the other hand, the idea of adopting Evan without his mother's consent, probably even against her wishes, is anathema to me. David and Gary's mothers have been completely out of their lives for more than a decade. Though I believe they think about their sons and love them still, they simply are not there. Attempts at reconciliation have been exhausted.

But Evan's mother is there. She is making him crazy and sometimes miserable, but she is there.

Though I say and believe that it is a myth that adoption unmakes families, myths are powerful things. And there are some things that are not myth. The legal changes will not matter as much as they would have if he were younger, but they are real. Part of me is firmly convinced that it is just wrong to do this.

And yet it feels wrong to tell Evan that I won't adopt him too. I feels wrong to make this decision for Evan. He has my heart as much as any of the boys. If he wants to be legally ours, it feels like that should be his choice. Telling him no just feels wrong.

I hate it when there are not right answers.

Hearing Scheduled

The termination hearing is scheduled for two months from now.

Gary still doesn't want to go and doesn't see why he should make any effort to communicate with the court. Clearly, he says, it wouldn't have gone this far if he wasn't okay with it. I've told him that I will make sure he has a meeting with his GAL so that he will be represented.

Thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. I want his father to fight for him. I imagine scenes one would expect in an after-school TV special. In this case all fighting for him means is SHOWING UP. I think I am most afraid that his father will have just not bothered to respond.

I make up stories to myself to explain that and keep it in a positive light. I imagine that his dad has decided that he can't fight for him. He can't ever bring Gary home. I understand that. I don't like it, but his father has to make decisions that are best for all his children. And I don't think he wants to let Gary go. So I imagine him just putting off dealing with it, not being able to think about it. Maybe tomorrow.

But I don't know. Maybe he has responded. Maybe he is going to fight. Maybe he has signed forms.

I don't know.

I want to adopt him, but I cannot be happy about this.

My best information regarding his mother is that they can't find her. She's had no contact with him for a decade. My heart breaks less over that one. [Added: I mean about her losing her rights now. It feels like the court will only be acknowledging something that already happened long ago. It is more than that with his father.]

Judo and other things

Just five weeks for the department to decide that it would be okay for Gary to take a Judo class.

I really am thrilled. It is local. I feel very comfortable with the instructors. They are volunteers, seem very dedicated and though the student participate in competitions it isn't all about getting on television and getting beat up. It is inexpensive and it is on the bus route. Of course classes are over after the bus stops running, but they can take the bus one way.

Probably Gary will decide it isn't what he really wants to do, but he will stick with it for a while. I'm trying to convince him of what I do really believe to be the truth -- this class is far safer than the others he has looked at and getting permission for this one does not mean he will get permission for another. I think we can convince him to stick with this class (or at least not try for another) until he turns 18 in the fall.

In other news, Brian is lobbying to take a driver's education class. All the other boys waiting until they were 18 to drive. Carl took a class and finished learning at Job Corps. I taught Andrew and Evan. David came claiming he already could drive, those who have read the archives might remember this escapade. Brian though has no desire to wait. He is turning 16 in June and he could start driver's training now and he wants to! Part of me would rather he wait at least until the fall when Gary is 18 and they could both be doing it (part of the whole "fair" thing). I have begun to wonder though if it wouldn't be better to let Brian start early. It might help with the competitive issue if they are not doing it at the same time. Or not.

Part of the issue really is just that I don't want him driving yet. Although I am also getting tired of chauffeur duty too. My best idea right now is to find out what GPA he has to have for the safe driver discount, and tell him that he can't get his license until he gets that.

Having Andrew home is delightful. He has been cooking dinner all last week while the rest of moaned and groaned about final exams ... except Roland who merely moaned about being tired with the last week before break. He and his girlfriend have also been making Christmas cookies.

I still have a pile of grading, and then a very manageable list of work-duties for break. Grades need to be turned in on Wednesday and then I will just relax from Christmas until New Year's. Maybe I will even catch up on all your blogs I have not read for ages.

We'll see.

Oh, there is this lovely Christmas song I need to share with you. Sassy Cupcakes shared it with me. It is sung by an Australian atheist (agnostic?) and it is beautiful. It is about really liking Christmas, even when you have all those reservations about the consumerism and religious part of it all.

Tim Minchin,

White Wine in the Sun

MMA, Libilities, etc.

Feeling frustrated.

Gary is always full of plans. He's has once again found another dojo, martial arts place, gym, whatever. He talked and talked to them on the phone. They are new. They said that he could help teach the younger students if he wanted. This could turn into a job! The coach/teacher/whatever there is great. It is going to be wonderful.

I took him. The atmosphere is more of a fitness gym than a dojo. There is a lobby with two flat screen TV's and two employees at the counter. In the back are mats, one of those cage things they have MMA fights in, exercise bicycles and other work-out equipment. Gary is welcomed by the instructor who asks if he is ready for his freebie. Gary goes back with much excitement while the people at the counter give me information on monthly membership fees (high) and a liability form to sign.

Now I'm not supposed to sign those. I did just for the night though. I even wrote on it that it expired tomorrow. That is totally against the rules and if Gary gets hurt tonight I really don't know what will happen. Like a teenager I'm just counting on not getting caught.

I took the form back to him to show him. I told him that there was no way we were going to be able to get it signed.

"So enjoy your one night here."

"Oh, I'll work it out! This is great!"

Sometimes his relentless optimism is exhausting.