Wednesday, March 03, 2010

We're doing okay

Just thought I would update you all.

Life has fallen back into it's usual pattern. Gary is better. He is still sad and stressed, but the first wave of over-whelming grief he experienced after last Wednesday is over.

Roland has figured out what he would need to do to the rec room and has put that aside.

Gary still hasn't seen his sister, though they speak on the phone. Gary is concerned that if they don't have an activity it will be awkward. I think he may be wrong about that. Based upon their phone conversations, I think she will have plenty to ask and say. But Gary is worried about that. The state worker thinks they should have a supervised visit first, which seems to mean sitting in an office or coffee shop with nothing to DO. We've turned it over to the agency worker to try to come up with a plan.

Gary still is leaning against having his sister placed with us. He may or may not change his mind after they are together. Of course the social workers will be the ones who make that decision. No one is officially talking about that right now. One thing at a time, and the next thing is getting the kids together for a visit.

So we continue with our daily lives. I'm at the beginning of a new term and have difficulties with the software that is supposed to make my life easier. (Yeah, I know). Brian is staying late after school for rehearsals for the latest production. Brian and Gary will both be having their wisdom teeth extracted in a couple of weeks. Yep, same day. Andrew will be home for his break and, though he doesn't know it yet, he will be driving one of them home while the second is in surgery. Sadly, I will be at work and unable to attend to them until the afternoon. It is the beginning of their spring break, so they won't have to miss school for recovery. I'm thoughtful that way.

Thank you for all your suggestions for blog names for Gary's sister. I won't be picking one until after I meet her.


  1. If they can supervise a meeting in a coffee shop, why couldn't they supervise a meeting in a bowling alley, or someplace similar? That would give them both an activity and time to talk.

    Or if it has to be a coffee shop, is there some activity you could bring with you for them to do? A board game or puzzle, maybe?

  2. Just wanted you to know that you all are in our prayers during this huge transition time. You are a wonderful foster mama!

  3. Just a thought, but reading between Gary's lines here...I know I would be a bit nervous of rejection. Sitting there staring at each other- that's worse than being in a spotlight alone on a stage. Having an activity going allows them time to assess each other, adjust to the changed physical appearance (because if I remember correctly, Gary was a preteen when he entered care, making both of them drastically different in appearance now. I would be worried of flat out rejection- anger, etc. Havin an activity going also allows me to hide my feelings a little bit better- to occupy my hands and mind instead of sitting there worrying that she's thinking I'm stupid looking or that my teeth are crooked or whatever. And if I'm not interested in her or freaked out by her, but she's all interested in being my "long lost sissy", having an activity going allows me to distance myself from her politely but firmly.

    Maybe the agency and state SW haven't thought about this? SW'ers (being one, I can say this lol) have a tendency to think about following protocol and reducing workload- hence the quick coffeeshop meeting vs a planned activity. In this situation, the difference between the two venues is huge. A coffeeshop is very small and intimate, and I know personally, I wouldn't want this meet 'n greet to be publicly viewed like that.

    Is it possible the agency might agree to something like meeting in a mall food court (bigger space, more distractions, more opp's for escape if necessary, still public, still not an "activity' per se, but the public will be focused on their own activities not staring at them...

    And I agree with Maggie- you rock it as a foster mom!

  4. Yesterday, the agency social worker made plans to pick them both up at their high schools and take them to lunch. Gary really likes his agency worker and any awkward time can be filled in with the social worker talking about the program that his sister is eligible to enter. It isn't an activity, but Gary is feeling much better about that as a first meeting.

  5. Thank you everyone for the supportive comments. It means so much that you are there.

  6. Ah, facilitating those sibling meetings can be so awkward. I'm foster/pre-adoptive mom to a teenage boy and he has two older siblings he's never met, and a younger brother he decided he didn't want to live with. He loves his brother and parented him for years, but he decided that he has different needs right now and I think he really wanted to have a chance to be a kid rather than a parent and felt he couldn't do that with his brother. I used to worry over it, until our awesome social worker said, "They have a lifetime to build their relationship - you don't have to figure it all out right now." I found that so helpful. But it is wonderful when you can bring siblings together - good luck!


Comments will be open for a little while, then I will be shutting them off. The blog will stay, but I do not want either to moderate comments or leave the blog available to spammers.