Saturday, July 14, 2007

More thoughts about zir

I've decided to go ahead and give the name "Frankie" to the youth we were told about.

I re-read my last post and the words "it all could come to nothing" jumped out at me. I was tempted to just edit those words out, but I decided instead to take them back in a separate post.
Several things could happen in Frankie's life. Ze could be admitted into the permancy program and become part of my family. Ze could also continue to live in the group home. Frankie is at a cross-roads in zirs life, and no path is "nothing." There are just paths that include us and paths that don't.

Hubby and I have not told anyone about zir, not even Andrew and Brian. We didn't even have to discuss that. We know too little. Andrew and Brian would have questions that we cannot answer. I will make you suffer with knowing and not knowing for three weeks, but not them. Sorry, friends in my computer, but I have no obligation to protect you from psychic angst.

I find that I am glad to be, or potentially be, out of that morally icky place where I am hoping for them to find me a kid. There is something goulish about that psychic place -- waiting for something bad to happen in the world so that I can have something that I want. And yes, it is something that I want. I find it to be one of the most rewarding things I do. It is stressful, exhausting, damaging to careers and friendships and everything else in one's life, but it is rewarding. My life is richer because of these three young men. I am glad that I parented them and I want to do it again.

And in order for that to happen, some other parent must be unable to care for his or her child.

It is easier when there is a real kid, when I begin to know a little bit about why this kid needs me. I am no longer hoping for a bad thing to happen; it has happened. It is what it is.

Frankie is living in a group home. Zirs parents cannot care for zir. I do not know the whole story, but I know major parts of the story involve the medical diagnoses of the parents. Ze does not have a failed adoption placement in zirs past and I don't think that ze has even been in very many different foster homes, at least compared to most kids.

I will be anxious to find out if the social workers will let ze into the program.

It feels strange to be going on vacation right now. I want to be here to hear what they learn, maybe even be part of the decision.

There is not doubt that Frankie will be a challenging kid. Ze has not lived been successful in a family. The workers at the group home think that ze is ready to try again, but it will not be easy for zir, and it won't be easy for everyone else.

If ze is questioning in the way we think ze might be, then it could be that just being in an accepting and affirming home will help a lot. But that won't make everything better. A kid who has grown up not feeling safe, not confident that zirs basic needs will be provided, will not relax because suddenly ze is in a home with parents who have PFLAG logos all over the place.

And on that questioning thing...the social workers think that Frankie is not really aware that ze is questioning. Hubby and I think that is possible, but highly unlikely. It sounds to us that the questions that ze has been asking in therapy session are the sort of testing questions that people ask in order to figure out whether it is safe to come out. The people at the group home have not responded to zirs questions, which is better than responding negatively, but not much.

So I am anxious to learn more, but it will be a while.

I almost wish I weren't leaving for vacation in two days.



  1. You really expressed well the icky place foster parents who are waiting for their next placement are in. I know exactly what you mean and I'm glad that part is over.

    Can't wait to hear what happens with Frankie. Hope you have a wonderful vacation!

  2. Go on vacation. Have a good time, and I hope YOU won't be kept in too much suspense while you are gone.

    Us bloggers can take it. We have, after all, our own lives that keep us plenty busy.

    Travel safe.

  3. Have a good vacation and we will be hear waiting to hear more about Frankie when you return.


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