Monday, January 23, 2006

Tragedy for Evan (with updates)

Yesterday I jotted down a list of ideas for future posts. I was going to work on one of them today. I was going to be insightful, maybe a little funny.

But that was yesterday.

Today Evan learned that someone he loves is dead. Take one inexperienced driver in a small car, add an icy intersection and truck -- result: one passenger dead another injured. Both are dear to Evan.

He kept saying "She was just seventeen. I talked to her last week. Remember, you met her. She was just seventeen."

I am not certain how to help him through this.

Update 1/23: Evan is coping by being taking care of everyone else. He seems very comfortable in this roll and I know he is a comfort to those around him who are falling apart. I wonder how he will be when they no longer need him to be strong.

Update: 1/24: Evan said, "It just feels bad. It's like a bad taste your mouth. You know what I mean?" I think I do. I think he means that he stays busy and does not let himself really feel the pain. Mostly it works, but no matter how busy and distracted he is, it is still there. Like a bad taste in his mouth. The person he lost was the one he called whenever anything wonderful happened to him. I suspect those are going to be dificult moments in the future -- when he thinks, "I have to call J. and tell her about this" and she won't be there to call.

He says keeps getting angry at people who say that they have to trust that this is God's will. He does not see how it could be God's will that someone so loved could die at seventeen.

I told him, truthfully, that the past two mornings I have woke up and thought, "J. is dead. No...that was a dream. It must have been a dream. No. It is not a dream. She is dead." Then I wonder how Evan is.

Update 1/25: Evan tried to go to school today. He only made it through two hours. He was hoping to stay distracted, but people kept asking him where he had been and what was wrong. He just couldn't say, "My cousin died in a car crash this weekend" one more time. I told him to let me know what he needed. I know that CFP will help me find a grief counselor if he wants one. All I can think of to do is let him know that what he is feeling is normal and then to let him feel it. God knows, there is nothing I can do that will make the pain any less.

Update 1/26: I just took Evan to his grandmother's. Today is the service. On the way I told him if he could call to talk if he gets annoyed with people saying things like, "There must be a reason." I would rather he vent his frustration with that to me than to argue with people who are trying to find comfort themselves. He asked me what I thought. I told him that I thought there was a hole in the world. She was here. Now she is not. We will go on; we will even be happy again. But I too could not believe that there was some all-for-the-best plan that included the tragic death of a 17-year-old girl. She was here. Now she is gone and we must live without her.

More update 1/26: Evan dropped by for some stuff so that he could spend the night at his aunt's. He is getting to know cousins he did not know he had. God bless these people. Technically they are not even his relatives anymore, but don't tell them that. Evan aquired them when he was three or four and his mother married his first step-father. When people ask if this grandmother is from his father or his mother's side of the family he responds, "She is from my sister's side of the family." Shortly after Evan moved in Grandma came to say hi and check us out. We gave her the full tour; told her that she was welcome anytime. They keep thanking me for "letting" him spend so much time with them this week. I want to thank them for holding him close.

Next: Too Cool

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