Boundaries

I keep trying to write posts about boundaries, but it is a large topic and the posts keep getting out of control. This post too starts in one place and works its way to another, but boundaries are like that.

One kind of boundary is in letting go of the choices that other people make. I wrote about not judging our parenting by the results, and Process responded to that post commenting that part of what I was talking about were boundaries. She was right.

Respecting, remember boundaries, means accepting that I cannot make someone else do what I want them to do. I can offer opportunities, relationship, whatever, to the kids who come into my care, but what they do with that, in the short and long term are up to them.

Boundaries are also about self-protection.

Marelow wrote the other day that she would never stay with a boyfriend who treats her the way her son does. She of course was speaking of extreme behaviors, but that sentiment could be expressed by any parent of any young child. Children are supposed to demand that their needs be met, and they are not supposed to take our needs into consideration. Any adult who behaved like a normal two-year-old should absolutely be avoided.

But sometimes the treatment we get from the traumatized children we care for really does look and feel more like abuse than it does like the normal narcissism of childhood. Traumatized children are more likely to be physical violent. They are more likely to call us names we are shocked to learn they even know.

Boundaries, which are not the same things as rules, protect us from this unacceptable behavior.

An example of a rule is: There is no swearing in this house. If you do swear you will have (1) a time out; (2) to think of and write down five different ways you might have expressed yourself; (3) put 50 cents into the potty mouth jar. We have rules to limit behavior. Often they exist to change behavior. A child does not do his homework, so the new rule is that he must bring home a note from the teacher every day listing what he has to do and cannot play any games until after he finishes it. We hope that the child develops the habit of doing the homework and the need for the formal rule goes away. Rules are a normal and good part of parenting.

A example of a boundary is this: it is not okay to swear at me. If you use foul language at me I will remind you that I will not listen to that. If you continue I will walk away and not engage in conversation with you until you can address me respectfully. The goal of a boundary is to keep me safe from behavior that is harmful to me. Though it may result in a change in behavior, that is not the goal. A boundary can continue to exist as long as the relationship exists. I can have a child who continues to swear like a sailor in all sorts of situations, but knows that I will not engage if she speaks that way to me. That is a boundary that is working.

When Andrew was a toddler he developed a habit of hitting. When he did it I would hold his hands, look in his eyes and say, "No hitting mommy." If he hit me again I would say, "I can't play with you if you hit. I am going to go... wash dishes/read my book/etc ... We can play again in a few minutes." Though my walking away from him after he hit me was certainly a negative consequence, I never punished him for hitting me. I never gave him a time out, or hit him back.

When I wrote about Miss E the other day, it was suggested to me by her social worker that I tell her that I would leave her house at some specific time whether she was ready or not. I realized that that would not address the issue that I was having with her.

When I was first driving her to school I was also driving Andrew. I was very clear then that I would leave her house at the point I needed to to get Andrew to school on time. That was a boundary and it existed to protect Andrew. Had he continued to have a zero hour class, these last couple of weeks would have been different. I would certainly have driven off without her at least once, and she probably would have started getting herself out of bed earlier. That might have been a good thing.

I could do that now. I could set up a rule intended to help her to get to school on time. I'm not going to though. I am not her mother (by choice) or any other person who is responsible for her being "good." It is not my job to control her and attempting to do so would just create tension. There's nothing wrong with creating tension if you need to, of course. It's just that it is not my job to make sure she gets to school on time and we both know it.

If I was feeling resentful about sitting in her driveway for 10+ minutes then I would need a boundary to protect myself. I could instruct her to call me in the morning 10 minutes before she was ready to be picked up, or I could tell her that I will drive away at a particular time. Actually if she is as late as she was yesterday, I will have to tell her that I have to drive away at 7:00 in order to get to work when I want to.

And that is a boundary. We create boundaries to protect our own needs. In order for a boundary to work, you need to have a action plan to protect yourself.

There are two things that I really like about dealing with kids this way. The first is that they can usually come to understand that it is about protecting yourself and not about controlling them. In my experience that means it is less likely to escalate into a power struggle. If I was Miss E's mother and was telling her that I was driving away at a certain time because she needed to learn to get to school on time, she would be more likely to be late on purpose or to cut school after I dropped her off just to show me that I couldn't control her. If I was her mother and told her that I could give her a ride if she was ready by a certain time because that was when I needed to leave, she still might cut school -- but she wouldn't do it in an effort to demonstrate to me that I couldn't control her or to "get back" at me.

The second thing I like about it is that it is the best way to teach these children that they have the right to have boundaries themselves. With a few exceptions the kids we care for have been abused. That means someone has denied them the right to have boundaries, denied them the right to control how they are touched and how they are spoken to. Teaching them to have boundaries may be the best thing we can do for them.

When Carl lived with me he went through a very clingy stage. He seemed to want a hug every time we walked past each other. It got to be too much and I finally told him that he could have two hugs a day but neither of them would be given if I was in the middle of something like washing dishes. (Exceptions would be made for genuine emotional distress on his part, of course. We were talking about every day clinginess). He would pout about it sometimes, standing next to me at the sink saying, "Please. I could really use a hug right now. I need a hug." I would respond, "And you will get one as soon as I am done. Right now we can talk if you want."

Though at the time I really was just protecting myself from wanting to scream over being touched all the time, I realized later I was teaching him something valuable : Our bodies are our own. Nobody else has the right to demand that we touch them or allow them to touch us. Even if the other person "needs" it really, really bad, we have the right to say no.

The children we care for often have a desperate need to form and maintain their own boundaries. One of the best ways we can help them learn that is to form and maintain our own.

"It took me years to figure out what a foster child was"

My agency sent me to a meeting the other day. It was long, and interesting. Being the studious person I am, I found the main parts really interesting and was bored and frustrated by the "fun" things they put in between the serious parts to keep us awake and entertained, but that is not the point.

There were foster parents, foster alum, and one birth mother who had a child she had successfully got back from foster care a couple of years ago. There were supposed to be two birth parents, but that did not work out.

We talked about plans the agency had and gave them some feedback. It was interesting.

I surprised myself by bursting out into tears when they talked about the goals of helping kids to finish high school and get post secondary education and training. I was thinking about Miss E, about how she plans to walk away on her 18th birthday this summer, about how she thinks she will be able to finish high school and go to college with just the transitional services the agency will offer. I blubbered out, "But what is the use of all the services we offer them if they just walk away? What can we offer them that they will take?"

Though I learned many interesting things, I got a perspective from the alumni that I had never thought about before.

See, I deal with teenagers. In my agency the kids are presented with a document that describes their rights and responsibilities. When they come into the agency there is a meeting where everything is explained to them: what this agency is all about; what is expected of them; what services they will get; who all the people are who work there. They aren't officially admitted into the program until they sign a documents detailing the rights and responsibilities of the workers, the youth, and the parents. They sometimes get confused about what they can expect and what they can't, but by the time I get them, they are pretty savvy about the system in general and this agency in particular.

But the alumni at the meeting explained that when they were little no one told them that they were foster children. They figured it out by listening to the adults talk to each other. They experimented a little with telling people that they were foster kids, trying it out to see what people said and how they reacted. Invariably they were asked why they were in foster care. They did not know.

They did not know what they had to do so that they could go home again, and it was obvious to them that there must be something they were supposed to do. If they could just figure what it was that all these adults who suddenly appeared and had so much power over them wanted from them, they might be able to do it and go back home. But nobody every explained it to them. Nobody every told them what foster care was, how it worked, or what might happen to them.

So they made up their answers, and of course came up with nightmare versions.

I know that foster parents often neglect to tell their birth kids why kids are in foster care and how the system works, but it had not occurred to me that there was no place in the process during which the foster kids were told what was going on.

Of course these were women in their late twenties.

Maybe it is better now?

Does anyone know?

Do we explain anything to kids?

I want to hope that it is so...but FosterAbba's experience with Danielle does not encourage.

What may you ask your parents for?

I invite you to ask yourself that question. When you were fifteen, what was it okay to ask for? How about when you were twenty? Or forty?

I'm in my early forties. Without going discussing all of the family history and reasons why these things are so. These are the rules.

I don't ask my mother for money at all period. Not even when I was in college. I can however send her a box of fabric and she will send me back a box of blouses. I can also send her all the pieces for a quilt that I cut out not quite right and she will do her magic thing and make it all work and send me back a quilt. When my boys were small, they wore very little that she did not make. I can also turn to her for emotional support no matter what. In short, my mother will give me anything other than money.

If I ask my father to pay for something, he will. I cannot count on him for anything else.

My husband's parents were willing to help us out when we were both in graduate school. They bought us glasses, and an infant car seat for example. There was never any emotional baggage associated with it. Even now I call Hubby's dad if I have any questions about anything that has to do with money.

Now this post is not really about my family. It is about the fact that Hubby and I know, before we ask, whether our parents will say yes to our requests. We know what they are comfortable being asked and how often we can do it.

We know what the rules are.

Foster kids, older adopted kids, don't know what the rules are. They don't know how much money you normally spend on birthday presents. As young adults they don't know what they may ask you for and what they may not. And of course they don't want to be told no.

We just had along, awkward conversation with Carl. He told us how difficult life has been for him recently. He has not had any ID and though he has taken steps to get it, it has not come through and he is really struggling. He was clearly presenting us with his problems and waiting to see what we would offer to do. It was awkward for both of us.

Hubby and I are not in a position to pay his bills. Years ago he asked us to co-sign a lease and we said no. We said no because there was no way that we could afford that liability. I am fairly certain that if I had offered to send him $500 he would have accepted. That however is not something that I can afford to do. And I think he knew that we would not, could not, do that, but he did not know how to figure out what he could ask for.

He didn't know what the rules are.

So we had an awkward conversation.

We offered to bring him home so that he could more easily replace his ID, but he really didn't want that. He loves us, and would like to visit us sometime, he really doesn't want to come home.

He said that he was considering moving to another city, and I told him that I could buy him a bus ticket to that city, but he did not want that either.

I told him that I thought he did want something from me, but that I needed him to tell me what.
He said that he was just feeling lousy and wanted some moral support. So I told him honestly how proud I was of him, how courageous I thought he had been, how wonderful it was that he had been doing so much, working so hard at taking care of himself. We talked about the things he wanted to do with his life and I expressed confidence in him. I reminded him he was not too old to apply for to the foster care agency for financial help with his educational goals. He began to feel better.

I know he appreciated hearing all of that, and though he said that was what he wanted, I suspected he had been hoping for more.

And then I told him the rules. The rules that my parents and Hubby's parents did not have to tell us because we grew up with them.

"Carl, I want you to know that I am not comfortable giving you money to pay your monthly bills. It is not something that I can really afford to do at a level that would make a difference for you. I need you to be able to do that yourself. I can always help bring you home for a while, but I can't pay your bills where you are."

"Oh I know. It's not like you are made of money!"

"But I also want you to know, that if there are particular things you need, it is okay to ask. I might not be able to help, but I might. I can do things like buy bus tickets. If you have one-time expenses for things you need, I want you to ask."

After a pause he finally said, "You know, there is something. I really need new glasses."

I told him to find an economical place where he could get a quality pair of glasses and then give me their information. I would call them and tell them to bill me. We both understood that if I sent him cash it would not get spent on glasses. He was pleased. That was actually a couple of weeks ago, and he has not contacted me about glasses, although he may in the future. The point was not really the glasses, it was finally getting the rules straight. It made him feel good to know in advance what he can count on from us and what he can't.

It's something that I have to remind myself of over and over again. Families have unspoken rules about a thousands of things.

Is it okay to ask to make oneself a sandwich instead of eating what someone has made for dinner?

May you eat in the living room?

Is not flushing the toilet in the middle of the night gross, or is flushing it rude because it wakes up the light sleeper in the room next to the bathroom?

One family treats fast food as junk which is sometimes indulged in with a sort of guilty pleasure. Rather like eating ice cream for dinner. Another regards fast food restaurants as an ordinary part of life.

These things fall into the back ground of our lives. We forget that other families have different rules.

And we forget that when we have older adopted or fostered children we need to actually TELL them what the rules are.

The parents we planned on being

Another rescued draft. I don't know what prompted me to write this. Had there been some particular thing going on? Was that why I did not publish it, because it felt incomplete without the confession of whatever I had done?

Oh well, if there was a particular something, I no longer know what it was. So here you are:

************
I may have already shared this, but when Andrew was a baby there was a game that I and the other young mothers would play. It wasn't an organized game; it was something like telling fishing stories.

Instead of starting with "The bigggest fish I ever..." our stories started with, "The thing I said I would never do was..."

Perhaps the best entry was the woman who said that she would never do three things: yell at her children; use TV as a babysitter; or give them chocolate. Of course just the day before her small son had been underfoot while she was cooking and she found herself handing him a chocolate cookie and yelling, "Take this and go watch the TV until dinner is ready!"

All three in one swoop.

Yep. Before we have children, however we get them, we read the books. We also watch other parents and judge them. How many times did you say, "When I am a parent I will never do that..."

My big one was that I was never going to drive a child around just to make them fall asleep. Then came the day when I was at my end and Andrew, then a toddler, was screaming and exhausted and wouldn't sleep, and I knew he would fall asleep in two minutes in the car. I picked him up and went for a short drive. (Fortunately for my health and the environment, the only thing that would make Brian fall asleep when he was a baby who could not sleep was being rocked or pushed around in the stroller.)

So, like us all, I am not the parent I planned on being.

I had planned on being so much more patient, and creative. I think I even hoped that I would stop enjoying quiet solo activities like quilting and reading (and blogging) and suddenly take joy out of going on bike rides with my kids. No, I probably knew I wasn't going to change that. But I was always going to say the right thing. I was never going to snap at them. I was never going to do any of the things other parents did that were so wrong.

But my vision was built with incomplete data.

With nearly every other job in the world you get time off. I did not realize how exhausted I would get.

The parent's closet

It's my turn with our PFLAG chapter's cell phone. Actually, it is almost always my turn. I'm more comfortable with it than most of the other folks are. I get tired and need a break every now and then, but mostly it is at my house. We can go months without getting any real calls. (Calls from students doing research projects don't count as real calls in my book. I talk to them, but it is not what I prepare myself for when I hear that cell phone ring.)

Recently though I've had a couple of conversations with a mom. It's the sort of call we don't get very much anymore. She doesn't have anyone to talk to. The son who just came out is about 20 and in college. She is not ready for him to come out to the rest of the family. She believes that he is not ready, and that may be true, but somehow I get the feeling that it is more her than him. In any case, her husband and other children don't know. No one in her church knows. She doesn't have access to the Internet and so the only people that she has to talk to are me and a cousin who lives far away.

I said we don't get these sorts of calls very much anymore. Usually the calls are from people who mostly want some information. They call once. They ask me if their child can really know that they are gay when they are seven or twelve. They ask me for some book recommendations, and I never hear from them again. I don't hear from them because they are talking to their friends. They are not closeted. They travel their journey with their friends, spouse and siblings.

When I talk to GLBT teens and adults about their parents they tend to see their parents along a simple continuum with condemnation on one end and acceptance on the other. They want their parents to accept them, support them, be happy for them. Many of them, especially the younger ones, think that the only issue their parents have to deal with is homosexuality. They just have to accept that. The teenagers have no idea how complex their parents' journey is.

Right now this mother who is calling me is not ready to tell people. She adores her son and she is afraid that others will condemn him, and right now she is not strong enough to face that possibility. He is, she tells me, the boy that everyone loves. So many people in the family have had so many problems, but he was the one, the golden boy, the first to go to college. She cannot bear the thought that people will no longer love him. She will get there; I know that she will. Most of us find that the majority of people in our lives still recognize our children's worth, and that we no longer give a flip about the ones who don't, but it takes a while. I think she knows that. She also knows though that some people who now love her son will turn their backs on him, and there is nothing she can do about it.

She is re-remembering his entire childhood. When did the awareness start for him? How much pain did he feel? How alone was he? Did she say anything...no...what things did she say that made it worse for him? How many times had someone said something negative about homosexuality around her son in her presence while she stood by saying nothing, doing nothing? It was her job to protect him and to help him, and she thought she was doing it, but she wasn't. She thought she was a good mother to him, but now she is not sure she was. She says she just wants to put a bandage on the pain and she knows that is ridiculous. His childhood was what it was, and there is nothing she can do to change that now.

Suddenly she is the mother of a son whom people condemn. Two weeks ago she was the mother of a boy whom everyone adored. Two weeks ago she was the mother of a son who was safe. Now she is the mother of a boy who could be the victim of a hate crime, and there is nothing she can do about it.

"I'm just so angry" she tells me. "That is the strongest emotion I have been having about all this. I'm angry. Does that make sense to you?"

"Yes," I tell her. "It makes perfect sense to me."

Parentified Child

I have written before about the challenges of trying to parent a parentified child.* Heck, in a lot of ways everything I have written about the boys has been about trying to parent a parentified child.

My boys had been separated from their siblings long before I met them. I did everything I could to support their relationships with them, but reunification was not an option.

Yollie, one of Cindy's kids writes about being a parentified child. It's thought provoking and I recommend it to you.

*I may try to come back later and add links to those posts.

Parenting and acceptance of all my children

I was at an Alanon meeting recently. It was the only one I have attended since Evan left. It was sort of weird. I understand lots of reasons why it is good for me to go, but I felt distant and frankly superior. I was no longer in the thick of it and it was easy to remember the right things to do and easy to forget how difficult it is to do those things.

There were two sets of parents there who were there for the first time. They had sons not too far away from Evan in age who were having a lot of trouble. I ended up speaking with the parents after the meeting and I don't remember what order it happened, but I did mention that Evan was a foster kid and one of the fathers said that they had adopted their son, "he was adopted as an infant, but I guess you never really know." I started to nod and get ready to talk about what can happen to a child while still in the womb, when we both realized how uncomfortable the other father was. I said something that seemed appropriate at the time and the conversation moved on.

The point though was that the other father and I were saying, "It isn't our fault. We love these kids, but the problem can be blamed on someone else. It is the birth parents' faults. I have to deal with this problem because of what they did, because of their genetic heritage."

When people ask me what the difference is between raising my bioboys and the foster boys I have two answers:

1. The two bioboys are so different I can't give you a sensible answer. Andrew and Brian require different parenting techniques and bring out different emotions in me. The question assumes that there is a way that I feel about my bioboys or a something that it is like to raise them, and there is not one way. It is like you lived in France and Japan and someone wanted to how Brazil, Canada, and China were like or not like France and Japan.

2. There is one important difference: a greater sense of responsibility or even guilt. Carl, David and Evan have the problems that they do because of their absent fathers and neglectful mothers, then why do Andrew and Brian have problems? Of course I could blame Hubby, but that won't get very far. No if Brian has trouble in school or Andrew has trouble with stress it must be my fault. I could decide that it is because we do care, but then that is my fault too, isn't it?

And if they are what they are because of me, doesn't that mean that it is my job to fix my mistakes? Everything becomes about me. If Andrew goes to a top ranked college, that must mean I did something right. Doesn't it? If he goes to a school that does not impress my colleagues and friends, well, then I did something wrong. So maybe I should try to talk him out of the attraction he has for his number one pick. Never mind that it is probably the perfect match for his interests, values, and academic dedication (if not innate ability). It is not one of the four schools within 1000 miles that people around here announce proudly that their children have decided to attend. Maybe I should push him to reconsider that list? Everyone else thinks that they are better schools.

And if Brian has trouble keeping track of school work and keeps failing classes because he doesn't turn things in, even though he gets A's on all the tests, that's my fault too. At the very least it is irresponsible of me to continue to send him to public school where he is treated as a kid with a problem instead of home schooling him. I might be forgiven for not moving to The City where there MIGHT be a private or public school more prepared to deal with his brand of specialness.

Someone asked me if the attitude of acceptance that I wrote about in the last post was something that I needed for the bios too. My answer is, "Hell yes."

Though the problems Andrew and Brian face may be much smaller, the sense of responsibility I have for them is much greater. My desire to control them, treat them as programmable and not respect them as free humans, is even stronger.

Parenting, of any kid, is really, really difficult. Sometimes every choice seems wrong. Establish a behavior plan and give rewards and we are being controlling and not respecting our kids' individuality. Let go and allow them to make their own choices and mistakes and we are being irresponsible as parents. Every decision has to be made as carefully as you can. The answer always depends upon the needs of the child and of the parent. Deciding when to enforce structure and when to provide freedom (or do both at once) is never easy.

And in that way, parenting all my kids is EXACTLY the same.

Good parenting and surviving as a parent

There are two basic things that I have found useful as a parent.

The first is all the good parenting practice I have been taught and often remember to use. Baggage has been giving summaries of what she is learning in her classes right now. What she posted most recently is all about descriptive praise, similar to what I talked about before. Baggage is doing a great job of explaining things carefully and well.

These things really, really help. It is so much better to praise than to punish. It is SO important to remember to teach your child what you want. So many parents, even good and loving parents, teach children by telling them what they should not do. No one tells a kid before going shopping, "Let's talk about the rules for stores. There are long straight places that look like perfect places to run, but we have to walk in the store. It is also really important to stay close to me. We should always be able to see each other." Nope. We get into the store and then yell, "NO RUNNING. Come back and stay here with me!"

So all this stuff is good.

But it is also dangerous. It gives us the illusion that if we do this parenting stuff right we can control how the kids behave. If we just make enough charts, reasonable goals, remember to give rewards, and generally always be the cheerful, alert, engaged perfect parent, we will have perfect children who do their homework and clean their rooms and never get into any trouble.

When they don't turn out to be these perfect children, or adults, we feel horrible guilt. We exclaim, "What did we do wrong?" Often the answer is NOTHING.

Sometimes there is a diagnosis to explain the failure of perfect parenting. Sometimes our expectations of what children can learn and internalize is not consistent with some very basic aspects of that child.

Sometimes we "misunderestimated" the power of the behavior we wanted to "correct." If a child had a strategy that saved her life, that allowed her to survive years in a damaging environment, that is not going to go away because we remembered to praise the other behavior that we prefer in its place. A child who is reasonably and deeply ANGRY and hurt over what has been done to them, or who is terrified of being hurt and believes that getting close to you is risking all sorts of pain, is not going to get over that because you praise them for telling you the truth.

The wonderful parenting techniques are wonderful. They can do a lot and I think and talk about them a lot. They are important.

But they are not magic. They do not simply work. The children for whom we care are not programmable.

So we need the other half, the half they don't teach us in those parenting classes: acceptance. We need to remember that we can do everything right and the child, or young adult, still is a complex human who will make his or her own choices, who will act from pain and experiences that we cannot control. You can do everything right and things can be going wonderfully and then, perhaps because you were doing everything right and things were going wonderfully, the child deliberately does something outrageous.

It could be for all sorts of reasons. It could be because all this goodness and cooperation started to feel unreal. It began to feel like they were living in a Disney movie and the kid needed things to feel real -- so he or she left out the milk to spoil, broke your favorite thing, or stole the neighbor's bike just to inject a little reality into the world. Or maybe they needed to know, again, that you would still love them if they were naughty -- that your love wasn't contingent on this behavior plan working. Or maybe they were overcome with rage that all their life wasn't like this. Suddenly they realized this is how they SHOULD HAVE BEEN TREATED and all the rage against their early life came exploding to the surface. They are mad. They are mad at what was done to them and they are mad at you for making them realize that and making them have to admit that the parent whom they still love was mean to them and it is confusing and frightening and to hell with your nicey-nicey praise and rewards and positive encouragement!

What they don't tell you in the parenting class, is that if you do everything right, you just might make them feel safe enough to feel the rage.

What they don't tell you is that long stretches of everything going SO WELL are often inexplicably followed by sudden stretches of everything going to hell in a handbag.

So the parenting techniques are invaluable. You can't do this without them.

And they are not enough. You also have to remember that you cannot heal them or walk their own journeys for them. They have some serious healing of themselves to do. They need to walk that journey and heal themselves, and we have to accept that we can parent, but we cannot control.

Anxiety and Praise

Okay, this this is what I was going to say at Cindy's, it is a theory about how to praise kids. Cindy had been talking about a kid responding to a reward for good behavior with a rage. I'm too lazy to find that post but here is where she talks about comments related to the incident.

There is a theory about praise -- too much creates anxiety. I don't know whether it is true, but I tried to follow the recommendations for non-anxiety producing praise with my kids and I like it. The idea is that when you tell a someone that they are "good" one part of their reaction is to think "no, I'm not." As adults we often do that verbally. Your guest says, "That was such a good dinner. You are such a good cook!" We respond, "Oh, not really. You should have seen the disaster I created last week!" None of us feels comfortable when someone tells us that we are much better than we believe ourselves to be.

Children though have not learned how to reduce paise to a non-anxiety producing level on their own. You tell them that they they are "such a good boy/girl" and just like when you tell me that I am a great cook they think, "No I'm not." They don't have the verbal skills to deal with it, so they do something "bad" to show you that they are not really all that good.

SO...the recommendation is that you don't use "big" praise words. Instead you notice and comment on how you feel. It is simple and really difficult at the same time. You tell them to clean their room and they actually do it. Thrilled you say, "Wow. Look at this room. It is a joy to be in" and you bite your tongue before you add "you are such a good kid" or "see, you can clean if you put your mind to it." If all you do is notice and appreciate, the kid gets to finish the sentence and they believe it. You say, "Just look at this room. There is nothing on the floor. How did you manage that?" The child then says, "I just found places to put everything!" "Wow. Just being in this room makes me feel relaxed and happy." The child then draws the conclusion that they are good at organization.

I REALLY like this way of communicating with kids. I have found that if I can do it and sound natural (not easy) it can work really well.

I did this a lot with Andrew, and it seemed to "work" in every way. The more I did it, the more cooperative and responsible he became. I thought that I was the best parent on the planet.

Then Brian came along and a lot of my fancy skills just didn't work. Brian seemed immune to praise or criticism. He did what he wanted when he wanted. Thank goodness most of the time what he wants to do was within the range of acceptable behavior. When he was three and I would comment and tell him that something he did made me happy or sad he would look at me like he was saying, "Gee, Mom. I'd love to hear all about your emotional states -- but I got stuff to do."

Letting Go, Letting G-d

Cindy had to take a yong adult to a homeless shelter.

FosterAbba has written something kind and supportive...I left Cindy a comment. I wanted to write more, but the truth is I get caught up in my own memories.

Carl coming to my office homeless. I give him my lunch, have him call his social woker. For a week he lives out of a friend's car. The circumstances were so different from Cindy's. Carl was not dangerous to us. I could have let him come home and we would have been safe. He just needed to deal with the consequences of his actions. He needed that experience so that he could learn responsibility.

Still, it was hard.

As a mother I want to do so much for them. My Alanon sponsor would say, "You're his mom, not his higher power."

And what does he mean by that? He means that I cannot heal my children. I cannot make them heal themselves.

As a mother I can do so much and yet at the same time so little.

I confess I want to be God to them. I want my love to the force that makes them trust and be strong. I want my example to the thing that inspires them to responsibility. I want to love them and make all the hurt go away.

But I can't. I am powerless. I cannot heal them.

I can love them.

And sometimes loving them means letting go, and that hurts.

Raising Free Thinkers

The Brian from Story of the Turtle, poses this morning what I sometimes think of as the fundamental issue for liberal parents. Just to make it dramatic I like to put it like this:

How do I teach them to question authority when I am the authority?

I had a colleague years ago who talked a lot about the importance of questioning authority. It seemed to me that he was very invested in his students rejecting the establishment in the exact same way that he had. He always reminded of a Dr. Pepper commercial: don't be like everyone else, be unique, exactly like me.

Like Brian's child, my Brian and Andrew have been to Pride Celebrations -- six of them to be exact. The past two years Brian and Andrew have taken over the job of staying at the PFLAG booth at the park where the march ends. They have skipped the rally with all the boring speeches, and the tedious march through town. Instead they sit guard over the brochures and play with their hand-held gaming systems.

They are happy to wear their "I'm a PFLAG brother" buttons. They wanted t-shirts that say, "My brother came out of the closet and all I got was this stupid t-shirt" but I did not buy them when they were available and now we can't find them.

But I digress.

The point is that I feel strongly about various issues. I also want my kids to think through things on their own. The truth is I want them to be caring and committed to justice and equality and I want them to do that because they figured out that it was the right thing to do.

So how do we do that?

I think it is both more and less difficult that we think it is.

Kids are sponges at some ages and determined rebels at others. In other words, we can tell them what we believe, expressed as what we believe, and when they are small they will simply accept it. Even if we want them to think for themselves, when they are small, they won't. They will just believe us. It makes the part of us that wants them to be free thinkers uncomfortable, but I say to you, "Fear Not. Adolescence Shall Come." No matter how uncomfortable you are with the fact that your little child adores you uncritically and believes everything you say, you will be rescued from that discomfort when he or she turns into a teenager and decides you are an idiot.

It takes a lot of effort to prevent older children and teenagers from thinking for themselves. It can be done, but it requires round-the-clock supervision and control.

If you teach your children analytical skills, even if you only focus on OTHER people's views, they will eventually use those skills on everything you say.

I promise.

"You going to let him get away with talking to you like that?"

I read that in someone's blog a while back. Can't remember whose, but it probably could have been any number of us. As I recall the parent who was reporting being asked that did not even remember the terrible thing the youth was supposed to have said. The parent had just ignored it.

Now I'm not saying here that you should let kids speak to you any way the please. It is appropriate to make them speak to your respectfully. There are different ways to do that. Sometimes we use the word "consequences" as synonymous for "punishment." To enforce a consequences means to give time out or, in this case, make them say they are sorry and rephrase. But there are other consequences, and being deaf to (some?) objectionable language is a viable option. Not all the time mind you, but a good deal of the time.

Especially when they are using it to change the subject.

Ever have a conversation with a kid that went something like this:

Parent: No, you may not go to the party.
Youth: You're a b*tch!
Parent: No. I'm your parent, and it is my job to put limits on
your actions.
Youth: You are #$%*@!
Parent: That is unacceptable language! Apologize to me!

Umm...what happened to the kid going to the party?

I was disappointed with the Crisis Management class that I took, although I recall that it did help me to remember some basics about the sort of parenting style I strive follow. As the class fades in my mind I now remember it as having taught me one thing: I don't need to defend my authority.

I knew that, but I think prior to that class I had never thought about it so clearly. I did the right thing by mistake a couple of days ago, but only because I was too exhausted to handle it poorly. It is difficult not to come to my own defense, and even more difficult not to come to the defense of others, but it is a pretty good parenting stategy.

Parent: No, you can't go to the party.
Youth: You're a b*tch.
Parent: hmmm
Youth: Did you hear me? I said you are a b*tch!
Parent: I heard. You still can't go to the party.

FosterAbba's "Too Bad" response is similar of course. One way or another we simply refuse to engage them when they are behaving inappropriately.

I don't really know why this is on my mind today. Maybe it is just because I am tired (again) and it is good to remember that sometimes good a parenting means remembering that you stay quiet and relax. I can do that.

Reasons to be an imperfect parent:

1. The Stepford wives were creepy.
2. June Cleaver was boring.
3. Nobody will like you.
4. You give your children unreasonable expectations of themselves.
5. Knowing that children learn best by watching what you do, you will never be able to teach them:
   -How to accept their own imperfections
   -How to take care of themselves emotionally when they need it.
   -How to forgive themselves
   -How to ask for forgiveness with dignity
   -How real-life relationships survive
6. You're going to be one anyway, so you might as well have a positive attitude about it.

Responding to a melt-down

Yesterday Brian had a bit of melt-down.

Remembering what these were like a year ago I have to admit it is a lot better. He did not stay in his room crying loudly. He came upstairs, sat next to me and cried softly. He did not want to tell me what was wrong though. He would only say he was having bad thoughts. I ran though a list of categories of "bad thoughts" and hit the jackpot at, "thinking about bad things that might happen to people you love." He nodded and cried louder.

Hubby wanted him to tell us what the bad thoughts were. I thought Brian just needed to distract himself, think about something else. We tried talking to him for a while and then told him that he would have to take care of himself.

I cleaned up the kitchen reminding myself that this is what the professionals had advised us to do (not give him too much attention) and that Brian has not had nearly as many melt-downs as he once did. I reminded myself not to mention it to all the people I know who will instantly think I am a bad parent or wonder how on earth I can do foster care when it affects my child this way. (I have been assured by both a pediatric psychiatrist and pediatric psychologist that this is just the way Brian is. Brian reports that he likes having more people in the house and the professions do not think that not doing care would change things at all.)

Evan kept asking me what was wrong. I just told him that I did not like it when Brian was this upset. The truth was I was reviewing every bit of parenting training I had ever had. How could I not know how to handle this situation? How did I end up with a twelve-year-old who cried over nothing? What was I doing wrong?

Anyway, after about half an hour Hubby went and fetched Brian from our closet, where he was still curled up crying over his "bad thoughts." They went for a ride and came back cheerful.

I asked Hubby how he pulled off the miracle.

"I was hungry and stopped to get something for us to eat. Brian was hungry. As soon as he ate he was fine."

THAT's right. I remember now! They left that tip out of all my recent foster parent trainings.

Parenting Tip 101
Children must be fed on a regular basis or they get cranky.

[For those wondering how it is that a child in a house with responsible parents could get this hungry the answer is pretty simple. Andrew made us black beans and rice for dinner. It was wonderful, but Brian hates it. When Brian refuses to eat what is prepared he is responsible for getting his own food. He didn't.]

Crisis Management -- The topic itself

Before I went to the class I had imagined that I would learn a bunch of stuff and that then I would come back and share. I did not really learn much that was new, and although I did re-organize it. It was a seven hour training, but here are some highlights.

Background:
1. Take care of yourself.
You need to learn how to manage your own stress if you are going to help a child de-escalate.

2. Behavior is always meaningful. Kids are expressing some need and responding to it appropriately will involve understanding (figuring out) what need they are expressing.

3. Children come from different "cultures." It is possible, even likely, that what is shocking to you is just normal for them. When a kid tells you to F*** Off, that might for them carry all the malice and emotional intensity as my saying, "Please leave me alone!!" This does not mean that you need to allow them to say or do things that are against your rules, but remember it when you are deciding how to react. (In other words, it might be that the best reaction is pretty much the same one as you would give if they left their coat on the floor. It is to be corrected or responded to, but not taken as a personal attack.)

4. Behavior management is not really behavior management. In other words, all the stuff you learn in this and other classes is not really about controlling kids as it is about giving them tools and opportunities to control themselves.

Now...for the stuff itself:
1. Prevention
Some basic good, non-confrontational parenting techniques can help prevent a lot of escalation and crises. Some of the parents at the class needed a separate training in this area, but for most of us it was time we should have been spending on other stuff. If you want to learn more about this I recommend that you check out and read Faber and Mazlish. Start with Talking to Kids So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk if you like a "how to" manual style book or with Liberated Parents, Liberated Children if you like something more philosophical. I love their books. One of my favorite things about them is that they completely get that parents get angry, have bad days, and make mistakes. They don't expect that that will stop. They instead talk about how to deal with them.

2. Dealing with escalating kids
Okay, so you are this great parent. You allow your kids to deal natural and logical consequences without having an "I told you so" attitude. You give reasonable choices instead of commands. But it is not working. The child right now, today is ANGRY and could escalate.

This is not a moment to impose consequences, give forced choices, argue or threaten. DURING THIS MOMENT, all you do is:

Stay calm. Breathe deep. Maintain a relaxed body posture.

Give short verbal responses that affirm their emotions, and maybe deflect them from where they are going:

"I HATE YOU!!"
"I can hear how angry you are!"

"I am not doing this stupid chore and you can't make me."
"No one can control you but you."

"X is a a$$. He got into my stuff and ruined it. I hate him and if he does it again I am going to punch him in the face."
"I can see how important it is to you that your privacy is respected."

Of course all of this can be replaced by quiet attentive nodding with the occassional "I understand."

Here is the important thing: when the kid is furious, it is not the right time to lecture about appropriate language, remind them of the consequences of violence, or even negotiate a different chore routine. In this moment, the only thing to do is be the water...deflect...remain calm...do not fight back...

Also though you do not need to allow yourself to be abused. You cannot force someone to control themselves, but you can remove yourself. If the kid is beginning to escalate to a dangerous place, then backing away slowly, getting out, and calling 911 may be the best idea. If the child is subjecting you to verbal abuse it is okay to say that you are going to leave the room and will talk to them when they are feeling more calm.

Also important: let them walk away. If they call you a foul name, go to their room, and slam the door, don't follow them. Give them a good long chance to calm down and then deal with it later.

3. "Postvention"
When the crisis is over be sure to take care of everyone, including yourself. Everyone will feel exhausted. Talk to the other children in the house. Let everyone have a break.

4. Parenting Again...
Go back to the basic parenting stuff. Try to figure out what need the child is expressing and how to address it in a healthy way. If the child during the crisis broke a rule for which you have a consequence, impose the consequence as matter-of-factly as possible. Remember that the need could be to have more control in her life, or express feelings that are pent up. It might not have much or anything to do with the apparent trigger of the crisis.

And finally:
None of this is a cure for RAD or ODD or any other behavior disorder. It may be a way that will allow you to cope, and it may help with the behavior, but it will not fix them.

Okay...so that is my version of what I spent 7 hours on yesterday. Hope it helps someone...

Bill of Rights for 18-year-olds

I wrote this last spring when David was making me crazy. I ran across it sorting files and I couldn't resist putting it up.


18-year-olds -- Demand your rights

Now that you are 18 but still living at home, remember you deserve:

• All the freedom of adulthood and none of the responsibility.

• Free food available 24 hours a day without the inconvenience of family meal times.

• Transportation, not permission, to all events of your choosing.

• The right to excuse yourself from school and not attend your classes. After all, if you don’t graduate you can always live at home – it’s your life not theirs.

• Emotional support and conversation on your schedule! Don’t be fooled by family requests to spend time with you – they need to remember that you are 18 now. Obligations only go one way.

• Free clothing, toiletries, telephone service. If you choose to work you are entitled to spend all your money on recreation – it’s your money; you earned it.

• No more questions about where you are going or when you are coming home. Parents are there to bail you out of trouble, not keep you from getting into it!

De-escalation

Somebody quick! Get FosterAbba and FosterEema a placement! They need real kids with real problems so they can stop worrying about the fictional ones(Supernanny...Or Holy Crap, Batman)! Sorry...I teased them in the comments too. I should not do that.

Seriously, thinking about what we can handle and what we can't is an important part of being care givers. I too am not prepared to deal with kids who are physically violent or destructive. Even if I were I would not do that to the bioboys.

I had to take a class a couple of years ago on restraint. Well, they said it was restraint, but mostly it was about how to avoid having the $h!t beat out of you. I learned how to escape various holds, avoid a punch, stuff like that. I also learned acceptable techniques for physical restraint, but I also learned that given my size and the size of the kids I care for, they won't work.

At the end of the class we were asked how, given what we know, we would handle the situations like the ones we had been learning about. "What is your plan?" they said.

I raised my hand. "My plan is to hide in the bathroom and call 911." "Well, what if another child is being attacked?" "I might throw my body between them, and tell everyone else to hide in the bathroom and call 911."

I know the teachers were disappointed. They wanted me to express confidence in my skills. I pointed out to them that I am a not-tall, slightly over-weight, not-terribly-fit woman. I take care of teenagers all of whom have been taller or heavier than I am. Physical violence is out of my league.

But you may have noticed that the title of this post does not seem to have anything to do with what I have written...yet.

What is not out of my league is de-escalating most kids before they get there. I have a highly sophisticated technique for de-escalating kids who look like they are about to get worked up to a real rage. Want to hear it?

I get a cup of water or tea, sit down, maintain the most relaxed body language I can, and listen.

That's it folks. The water or tea is important. That's what tells the kids I am not planning on going anywhere.

The first time I did it was when I was babysitting and a six year old started to rage. I just didn't know what to do. I fell into a chair, and sat there trying to figure out what to do. After about 10 seconds the child stopped and looked at me. Clearly I was not following the script. We stared at each other for a while and then I said, "Would you like me to read you a story?" The kid said yes and it was over.

I am NOT saying it always works. I am just saying that it is the only thing I have ever tried that did.

Love in bite-sized pieces

I am told that when someone has been starving it is very important to give them very small meals. They just cannot digest large portions. I am told that they will vomit and be worse off than they were before.

I think a lot of our kids are like that. They have been love-starved. They are undernourished.

Our impulse is to feed them...shower them with love. Pull them into our loving families and surround them with the warm safety of our love.

But it is too much.

So we have to offer our love and affection in believable-sized nuggets.

So we offer acceptance in our actions, but with very few words. We compliment them on little things. We tell them we appreciate something that they have done. Slowly, they get stronger. Slowly they come to accept slightly larger portions.

Only it is not a slow progression that gets better and better. Every so often we give or they gobble too much...and then there is the vomiting (sorry I don't have a nicer metaphor) and the disappointment and the going back and starting over.

We hope that during the time that they are with us they will be able to eat and keep down full meals. Not all of them will. Some of them have systems that will only ever be able to tolerate small portions. Some of them will eventually eat until they are full at one sitting and be nourished and satisfied, but often that will not happen while they are with us.

Sometimes it does not happen until they are adults, learning to love and be loved in other sorts of relationships.

Sometimes all we get to do is to help them accept very small meals in very small bites. Hopefully when they leave us they are better nourished and more able to accept love than when they came.

Hopefully we can accept that as success, because often that is all we get.

Our House Rules

We have four bottom-line house rules. These are the rules which must be shown basic respect in order to live in our house.

1. Everyone knows where everyone is.
2. Everyone treats everyone, including themselves, with respect.
3. Everyone contributes.
4. Everyone does their job.

We all, sometimes, break these rules. I may leave without leaving a note (#1), get angry and says something I shouldn't (#2), etc. However, people who do not accept that these are the rules are not allowed to live with us.

Evan saw these rules before he met us. Before I meet potential placements I get to read a file on them, so I feel it is only fair for them to read a "file" on us. So I have a little description of us, rules, and stuff. When we were visiting Evan at rehab he was telling me everything that he planned on doing. I did not want him to think that carrying through with ALL of those plans was required. I finally asked him to tell me what the four rules were. With prompting he remembered. I then told him that his job was to work with his social worker and local rehab counselor. He visibly relaxed and said, "I can do that."

We actually have other rules of course. We limit how much "electronic" time they can have, for instance. But almost everything that we require of them stems from one of those four principles.

It helps that they are expressed as rules that apply to everyone. Some of my kids are pretty "parentified." I end up saying to them, "It's my job to parent you. It not your job to parent me."

I have learned over the years that it is necessary to tell the new kids that some things are permissible. I always tell them, for instance, "If you are hungry, you are allowed to get something to eat without asking."

Saying the right thing...by accident

So...I asked people to share a bad moment. So I thought I would share, and again invite you to too, my best anger moments. Those times when we were happy at what we said.

Years ago:
Carl had told a lie. To him it seemed a little thing: he said he had a job that he did not have but thought he would have. To me it was huge. I had agreed not to go on the family vacation so that he could stay home and start the job. Hubby and the boys left. The last thing that Hubby said was, "Don't ground him. If you ground him you will have to stay home with him."

Carl sat in the kitchen waiting for me to say something. All I could get out was, "I am so angry right now I don't know what to say. This is the most thoughtless thing you have ever done to me."

Carl said, "Do you want me to move out?"

Furious beyond the ability to control myself I fortunately said the right thing, "The hell you will! There is no way I am letting you walk away from this. You made this mess and you have to figure it out. You have a pissed off mother! Now go to your room and figure out how to make this better!" I continued mumbling..."Move out...my a$$. Piss me off and then walk away..." I looked up at him and he was grinning.