Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Passing the Buck

Got an email from the state worker (who has never done a termination before) that the agency worker (who I think probably has) will be making first contact with Gary's parents.

My first thought was, "the state worker is dropping the ball. That's his job."

My second thought was, "Well, maybe they agreed to do it that way."

My third thought, which I had after I started this post, was, "The agency workers get really irritated at the state workers when the state workers try to manage their cases. So maybe this is the way it is supposed to be, or at least the way the agency worker prefers it to be."

Oh well.

The plan as he explained it to me is:

1. The agency worker will write to them.

2. The state worker will write to them somewhat later. He will put in his letter that Roland and I are committed to not being an obstacle to Gary's contact with the rest of his family. Since Gary is 17, I wanted it to be clear that if just isn't my job to negotiate their relationships for them.

3. At that point I will be allowed to write to them if I want. I'm thinking about that. I feel more comfortable writing to his mother than to his dad, because I'm a little bit afraid of his dad.

4. The public defender assigned to the case is supposed to talk to them after the social workers have made initial contact. At that point his parents can decide whether to relinquish voluntarily.

5. The state worker is not entirely clear on what happens if they do not relinquish, other than there will be a hearing at which the judge will presumably tell everyone what to do.


  1. I'm not sure why, but this makes me sad. Its nothing dramatic or even official, but its like everyone has finally realized that here, as this precious child is about to turn 18, his family is detaching itself even more.

    You know, somewhere deep down in Gary, he had to have thought that IF he was good enough, worked hard enough, stayed clean enough, then maybe by the time he turned 18, he would have proven his worth to his family. Instead, it seems like they strung everything along so that they neither had to take care of him nor be involved in his life, nor had to face the legal ramifications of abandoning him.

    Its like he's somebody's old shoes, kept in the closet because you wore them to your wedding, but they don't fit, don't match your current style, and finally one day, someone says they want them and you're just like ok, whatever, sure.

    So I'm sad. Sad that poor Gary is just an unwanted pair of shoes. I'm glad that you want him, don't get me wrong, but sad that he's sat there for years hoping to be valued and instead, it turns out he apparently isn't.

    Here's really hoping that his family steps up to the plate and gets reinvolved now. I'd much rather him have you guys AND his bio fam than him have to go through this rejection now.

    In a weird way, if they had outright rejected him when he did his 'crime' whatever it was, then at least the emotional trauma would have been consolidated to that one period. It would have taken time to heal,but it would have been over. He could have blamed their rejection on his bad choice.

    But to go through 5+ years of hoping, and then have to face it, I'm just not sure how that's gonna play out emotionally for him. Bless his heart.

  2. I understand, Stacie. Part of me has this fantasy that his mom hears from the social worker and responds by saying, "I can have custody? Really? Even though I lost it to my husband years ago? No I won't relinquish. I want him!"

    That would be an excellent outcome.

    I don't know much about his mom. I know that the state worker had one conversation with her when he got the case and that during that conversation he told her at least that she had the right to know what was happening in her son's life. She hasn't made any inquiries, so I'm not holding my breath on that fantasy.


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