I found out the other day that even if we are not licensed Helen, Gary's sister, could still visit because she would be visiting a relative. Since the main reason we were thinking about keeping it was so that we could develop a relationship with her, I am once again thinking about turning it in.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
First though, Helen. Helen is in a good family near the high school that has a special program she is in and, of course, her friends. Moving her here would be disruptive in many ways. I still want her to get to know us because I don't know what our relationship is, but being my son's sister seems pretty important. In some way or another we will be extended family (at least) and I need her to feel comfortable coming here.
So as long as I thought we needed to have a license for that to be possible, I thought we needed to keep it.
But now we don't, so I am thinking about not keeping it.
The possibility of being really done with this part of our lives makes me feel anxious, happy, sad, worried. Of course, everything makes me feel worried. I'm a worrier.
On one hand a part of me really feels finished. Not finished in the sense of finished being a parent, but in knowing the family is finished. Like having the last baby and knowing it is the last. There are years of parenting ahead of you, but there will be no more new ones. That excitement and joy that comes with a new member of the family is over.
It feels like the right decision.
And yet taking the step, making it final, is frightening. What if I change my mind? What if there is a kid out there who really needs us?
Although thinking about finding out that there is another kid out there who really needs us bring with it a sense of exhaustion more than excitement. Still, I know that would change if there were such a kid. I would meet him or her and be so very glad that I still had the license, that I could still make the space.
Of course, we don't really have the space for at least another year, and if there was a kid that they really, really could not find another good home for, they might call us anyway.
At lunch yesterday Gary's social worker (the agency one) said something about feeling so bad for the GLBT kids who have to live with families who don't support them. It made me imagine that there are specific kids she knows about who need homes, kids that are safe, because of course most homes now are tolerant, but not kids who are celebrated and nurtured. And I felt guilty that we were walking away from those kids. I'm not too tired or too old or too busy.
I just feel like my family is complete. Six is enough.