Sunday, September 05, 2010

Turning in the license

I found out the other day that even if we are not licensed Helen, Gary's sister, could still visit because she would be visiting a relative. Since the main reason we were thinking about keeping it was so that we could develop a relationship with her, I am once again thinking about turning it in.

First though, Helen. Helen is in a good family near the high school that has a special program she is in and, of course, her friends. Moving her here would be disruptive in many ways. I still want her to get to know us because I don't know what our relationship is, but being my son's sister seems pretty important. In some way or another we will be extended family (at least) and I need her to feel comfortable coming here.

So as long as I thought we needed to have a license for that to be possible, I thought we needed to keep it.

But now we don't, so I am thinking about not keeping it.

The possibility of being really done with this part of our lives makes me feel anxious, happy, sad, worried. Of course, everything makes me feel worried. I'm a worrier.

On one hand a part of me really feels finished. Not finished in the sense of finished being a parent, but in knowing the family is finished. Like having the last baby and knowing it is the last. There are years of parenting ahead of you, but there will be no more new ones. That excitement and joy that comes with a new member of the family is over.

It feels like the right decision.

And yet taking the step, making it final, is frightening. What if I change my mind? What if there is a kid out there who really needs us?

Although thinking about finding out that there is another kid out there who really needs us bring with it a sense of exhaustion more than excitement. Still, I know that would change if there were such a kid. I would meet him or her and be so very glad that I still had the license, that I could still make the space.

Of course, we don't really have the space for at least another year, and if there was a kid that they really, really could not find another good home for, they might call us anyway.

At lunch yesterday Gary's social worker (the agency one) said something about feeling so bad for the GLBT kids who have to live with families who don't support them. It made me imagine that there are specific kids she knows about who need homes, kids that are safe, because of course most homes now are tolerant, but not kids who are celebrated and nurtured. And I felt guilty that we were walking away from those kids. I'm not too tired or too old or too busy.

I just feel like my family is complete. Six is enough.


  1. Whichever decision you make about the license, I think you can feel good about it. I'm sort of a reluctant commenter in general, but I feel compelled to remind you that you've done so very much already! When I described your blog and your family to my own mother, her very apt response was, "There really are angels out there."

  2. I agree, you have done a lot, and also, it is ok to say you feel complete, everyone has a point at which they are done and complete. As a lesbian, I know I stress a lot about having to choose how and when we add to our family and there is a lot of guilt and stress in that choice. I applaud you. Also, as a lesbian in a committed relationship with 1 child and hoping to adopt from foster care, my wife and I have considered doing foster care or adoption or the permanency placement that you have done for glbt kids. Like you wrote here, I would love to be able to provide a home that celebrates them, and can even provide an example of a healthy relationship and family headed by a same sex couple. I was wondering if I could have the password to your private blog and if you would mind me writing to you to ask about the agency you work with so that we can find a good agency to work with in pursuing fostering glbt kids.


Comments will be open for a little while, then I will be shutting them off. The blog will stay, but I do not want either to moderate comments or leave the blog available to spammers.