Ann Story Part 32: Ann's First Monday Visit

I sent emails about this to the social worker and my friend. Here is the summary:

After the first Monday visit I asked Ann about it:

"How did it go, Ann?"
"Fine...except one of the foster girls slapped me."
"Why did she do that?"
"Because she pushed my mom against a wall, so I pushed her down...so that she would stop hitting and fighting. Then she jumped up and slapped me across the face."

Curious, I emailed Mandy and asked her how it went:

She did well; she got along with everyone and did her math. Hopefully she will hand it in tomorrow. She did not work on her science project but I guess one out of two isn't too bad. She helped with dinner and was willing to distance herself when B. had a fit requiring some attention. She got very mad at B. when she pushed me but was able to control herself and just give me a big hug and complain in my ear about B. instead of getting into B.'s face like she normally does. She spent time playing and talking with J. and C., helping John and talking to me. We really enjoyed our evening with her.
Mandy

So what, I wondered, really happened? Was Mandy minimizing or was Ann exaggerating?

Just before Ann went to bed that night she hugged me and said that she was glad that no one ever slapped anyone else here.

Part 33

Ann's Story Part 31: A Relatively Quiet Week

3/9/03
Email to my friend

Your point about looking at Mandy as a teenager is probably a good one. I will try that. Of course I cannot give her consequences, and I so love giving forced choices and consequences.

So...this week's stories:

Early this week when I came home Ann was very grumpy. She was angry at me for not knowing where the batteries were this morning. I tried to cheer her up by talking about the visitation plans with her mom. She got angry because next weekend she is supposed to go to her mom's and she is signed up to volunteer at the fund-raiser at her school. I was sweet. I told her that if she wanted she could switch weekends. She got angry and said that she did not want to switch...she did not want to spend the time at school. I finally said something like, "I did not make this problem." "Yeah! And you are not helping to solve it either!" "Well, yes. That's true." "AAUGG! I hate it when you do that!"

Fortunately she took a nap. She got up and was her charming self again. And she really was very charming.

And the next evening Ann and I had a conversation:
"So how much do you have to do on your paper?"
"Oh, I just have to put the information together, and type it."
"You mean that you need to write it."
"No. I just need to put the information together."
"What is that if it is not writing?"
"You know, everything's on notecards and stuff, I just have to put it together."
"That's called 'writing.'"
"No. It's just typing."
Sigh...

Part 32

Ann's Story Part 30: Pausing to Reflect

Written in 2006:

It has been very interesting for me to be plowing through all these old emails. It is interesting how we, or at least I, edit our memories as time goes on.

I had remembered this as my failed attempt to parent Ann. I remember that there were times that I felt like it was difficult, but that I was managing fairly well. I remembered that Ann regularly expressed "concern" that she might hurt someone. I remembered that I was never certain if I should take those expressions seriously or if I should dismiss them as merely attempts to control me.

Mostly though I remembered that I gradually became more exhausted and more aware of the stress on the boys.

I remembered that Mandy had been unhappy and that that had been part of the equation, but I forgot just how constant her presence was. I had forgotten that she told Ann every time she saw her that she was fighting to get her back. I had forgotten that any attachment Ann may have felt towards us was also a betrayal of her loyalty to Mandy.

I had forgotten how impossible the entire situation was.

Written in 2008:
This time around it is not nearly so emotional for me to read all of this. The first time I re-experienced it all. It was hard. It was also good to remember, as I had forgotten, that so much of the situation was realted to Mandy. It was good for me to remember that much of what was happening was out of my control. In my memory it had become entirely our (my) failure.

Now though it is just what happened. I know it happened. It just is what it is.

It is sad, but it doesn't hurt like it used to.

Part 31

Ann's Story Part 29: The resuts of the meeting

March 5 1:52pm
To my friend

I am so anxious. The meeting was this morning at 10:00...and I have not heard anything yet. I know this is reasonable. It is possible (though unlikely) that they are still at it. The agency people may be lunching with Mandy and John so as to smooth over hard feelings. Or there might be another meeting that Ruby had to go to.

Still...it is 1:51 and I can think of nothing else.

the next morning another letter to my friend:

The team met. Mandy and John’s request was denied...Ann will not be sent to the quack clinic. They were asked if there was any possibility that they could not have so many children in the home, and they said no. Ann will be sent to the local psychiatric tester guy. Ann has a court eval on record which was done shortly after she punched J which said that Ann was clinically depressed and should be moved to a quieter home. Everyone agreed that she needed a new eval. Mandy and John were asked if they would accept whatever the doctor advised, and they avoided the question.

People agreed that Ann should have a regular weekly visit with Mandy and John. They have suggested Monday evenings.

So we are back to a steady situation. Ann is not being moved now, but Mandy and John still want to get her back.

And the next day:

Ruby came over last evening to explain to Ann what had happened. Ann will spend every other weekend and every Monday evening with Mandy and John. Eventually the neuro-psychologist will do his extensive testing on her. This will include the standard inventories along with the tests given to diagnose learning disabilities. He will also just talk with her about her life and will probably interview us and Mandy and John.

That information will go to the agency people, but also the state people. Placement decisions are no longer in the agency's hands. Any placement decision will be made by the state. This is the result of Mandy and John’s agitating, but it may not be in their best interests. The team apparently brought up the suggestion that Ann might be put up for adoption. Mandy was very distressed by this as it would sever all contact with her. Ann's state social worker will be coming to town on Tuesday to review everything and she will stop by here to meet with Ann. Ann has not seen her in years.

Anyway, Ruby says that the neuro-psychologist gets the testing done quickly, once he gets started, but that it can take six months to get to the top of the list. The doctor has a contract with the region, but that may not cover Ann. That could be to her advantage, because if she has to go as a private patient she may get in faster.
It is hard to figure out just what Ann thinks or feels about all this. When Ruby was here Ann was rolling on the floor and crying saying she wanted to go home. But the "crying" was very theatrical. Ruby had to stop over and over again to wait for Ann to be quiet so she could give her the information. After she finally got that entire story she seemed to be fine. I used to think that I had a clearer sense of what Ann thought and felt, but now I do not. I think that is because Ann does not really know. She is attached to Mandy and I think she has mostly been happier here. Saying that she is happier here and would rather not live there is not something that she can give herself permission to say. I do think that living here and visiting Mandy would be the best solution for Ann, but that is not in my hands.

So now I have to deal regularly with Mandy. We have already exchanged a couple of emails working out Ann's visiting schedule. We are dealing with each other directly, and I am nervous about not having the Ruby-buffer. If I do not give Mandy everything that she wants she will get angry...at least that is what I am afraid of. Of course Ruby would step in and help me if things get too tense

Part 30

Ann's Story Part 28: The Meeting Scheduled

2/27
to my friend

I just got a call from the social worker. There is a meeting on March 5, to which Roland and I are not invited. The meeting includes Mandy and John, agency people, Ann's state social worker, and someone who is assigned to be Ann's advocate. This is Mandy and John's big chance to convince everyone to send Ann off to the clinic they have found, get her brain fixed, and have her sent back home.

I am so emotionally conflicted. Shall I be totally honest?

--I am very attached to Ann. I see a lot of potential in her. She can be very loving, but does not feel loved. I think that our family could be very good for her. I want to take care of her.

--If Mandy and John’s could and would give up most of the Challenge girls I would be very happy for Ann. She has been with them since she was 5. She is attached and though they are far from perfect we don't take children away from imperfect parents. It is the overall chaos of the house that makes it unbearable.

--Ann is putting more stress on Roland and the boys than I anticipated. I keep trying to remember how upset Andrew and Brian were with Carl several times. Carl treated them like "little kids" (which we did not). Andrew felt displaced. He had been the oldest and most interesting kid at the dinner table, now Carl dominated the discussion and dismissed him. Carl also tended to tease Brian, which upset him of course. I was unconflicted, and my relationship with Carl was different. He had chosen to be here and when I told him that he needed to change his behavior he would look sheepish and say that he would try. But it is not working that way with Ann. Ann wants attention and is perfectly okay with negative attention. I am controlling her behavior fairly well by not feeding the bad stuff. This means though that she is getting away with things that Andrew and Brian are not allowed to get away with. Andrew is beginning to be upset by it.

--I have been feeling stressed by the lack of finality. I keep a piece of myself pulled back and that makes it more difficult to deal. It is harder with Ann too. She is not committed to being here and that means I don't have a great deal of leverage. I don't know how Ann will respond when she realizes that it is final. She will be conflicted...some combination of relief, sadness, and anger, I imagine.

--Sometimes I feel very frustrated. I don't like feeling like I am her jailer. I prefer to take care of kids who are a little bit happy about being cared for. My least good self sometimes thinks, "Oh hell, just take her away. Give me a kid who wants to be here."

So it is difficult right now. We are all tired and stressed. I think I am mostly just glad they are finally going to have the damn meeting. I need for it to be settled. If they place Ann here then we can start dealing and coping.

All sorts of things could happen...depending upon how persuasive Mandy and John are. Ann could be removed from agency; she could be sent to the silly clinic; she could be placed here.

But in less than a week we should have some answers.

Part 29

Ann's Story Part 27: Positive Attitude

My friend, not surprisingly, expressed concern about my decision to live with someone who I thought could become violent. I tried to reassure her, though not all that successfully, especially since I finally learned what had happened the summer before when she got into the fist fight.

2/26/2003

Ann has these two sides. When she is good she is very, very good. When she is bad she can be frightening. The fight with J turned out to be more violent than I had thought. I was finally able to read the account that the court psychologist gave and it said "8 or 10 times, hard." At Mandy and John’s she regularly body-slammed other girls (Ann weighs 185 lbs), and slammed drawers on their fingers.

My anxiety started going up when she started making threats of threats. "Sooner or later I will not be able to control my temper and I will hurt someone."

When Ann is being sweet, which she often is, my anxiety seems so ridiculous. When she is angry at the kids and doing that puff up intimidation thing the anxieties do not seem frivolous at all. But let me be clear about what the anxiety is. I am afraid that IF we are ever in the situation where Ann comes to the conclusion that she will absolutely not be allowed to go back to Mandy and John’s and that she is being forced to live here, THEN I think she is capable of being destructive or violent in an attempt to force a move. That is why it was so important to me to make Ruby understand, and that is why I started to feel so much better after it was clear that Ruby did get it. WE have agreed that as it becomes more clear to Ann that she will not be going back to Mandy and John’s Ruby will talk with her about whether she wants to visit homes where there are no other children. We anticipate that Ann will turn down that offer, but it will structure her staying with me as a partly her choice.

The reason, BTW, that Ann still thinks she is going home soon is that Mandy and John’s are still working for that. Everyone wants to preserve Ann's relationship with Mandy and John. Ann will not accept that she is not going back until Mandy does. I think it might be a good thing for Ann to be able to go back when she is fifteen. She did do well with Mandy for a good chunk of her childhood, and Mandy is the woman she considers to be her mother. If she goes back into the house after going through the insanity of early puberty, she may do well.

The biggest problem we are having right now is that Ann is trying to use her well-developed intimidation techniques on Andrew and Brian. So, for instance, Andrew noticed that the snack packs of apple sauce that I had bought for lunches were disappearing and he said to both Brian and Ann that whoever was eating them should stop because they were only for lunches. Brian said that he did not eat them. Ann puffed up and told Andrew that she did not appreciate him accusing her of things she did not do, that he was not the boss of her and that he had better just shut up. This is pretty normal behavior for her, but it left Andrew blinking in surprise.
We will have a family meeting about how they need to deal with each other.

My friend responded with more concerns, along with questions about how Andrew and Brian felt about everything.

I had not realized how big the fight with J was either until I read that report. It startled me. That's when I realized that though Ann is not inclined to violence, she is capable of it. That is why I want her not to feel trapped with me.
We have talked with Andrew and Brian about being a foster family. With Carl we would not have done it unless they were completely on board, which they were. After he moved out we told them that this is something that we wanted to do and we wanted to know how they felt about it. I would say that they were not enthusiastic, but they had no major objections either. We also asked them about Ann before she moved in and then their response was, "Well, if you are going to do this anyway, I guess she is okay."

At this point if Ann were to move out and we were deciding again, I think they would say that they would rather not live with her but that they would manage it if it happened. We have agreed that we need to have a family meeting about how to get along. In the meantime though, we have agreed that Ann can never be alone with the boys for any length of time. It looked for a while like neither of us were going to be able to get home early on Mondays and I arranged for Ann to spend the hour with someone else. She is too old for that, but there it is.

I think that all this is going to work out. Ann's attitude has been much better recently. She is no longer expressing concern about future behavior and, since I stopped rewarding it, she has stopped pouting about wanting to go home.

I have spoken very directly and honestly with Andrew about Ann. I told him that I expected there will be lots of normal sibling aggravations and that I would help them work things out, but that if there is anything that is not normal he should tell me. We had a long talk about what is and what isn't normal.

The agency psychiatrist has recommended that next year she be moved back to public school so that she can be on an IEP (Individual education program) and some special assistance. I am thrilled. I am not positive that she will qualify for those services, because she is really bright, but I will be happy to have her leave her private school. Ann's social studies text is printed by Bob Jones University Press! They are in league with the forces of darkness; they represent everything that I am dedicated to fighting against. I keep seeing a headline in my head, "Gay Rights Activist Sends Child to Fundamentalist School."

Part 28

Frankie's on-line posting

Yep...Frankie is now photo-listed.

I am nauseous.

I want to believe he can be adopted. I want to believe that there is the perfect family out there. The description is mostly true -- as far as it goes -- but it is not honest. Of course they never are. No diagnoses are mentioned. It says he has been in residential care since the fall of 2007 when the truth is that he has been in residential care since at least 2005 and spent 2 months in 2007 with a family.

It does not talk about his low threshold for frustration, or his lack of ability to read social cues, his tendency towards self-damage.

I don't see Frankie ever managing outside of a controlled environment.

How can they advertise him for adoption when he can't hold it together in a family for a couple of months?

Of course, maybe it was just that we were the wrong family. Maybe someone else would do better.

I hope so. For his sake.

feeling bad

Sorry folks.

I am just not feeling okay. Roland helped me sort through student evaluations that I have been avoiding reading.

A minority of students talk about the use of the web: some hate it and a few more love it.
Some of the students talk about the guest speaker we had: four thought she was the best experience of the whole class; three thought she was totally off topic and irrelevant and had no idea why I invited her.
A chunk of students commented that we got off topic too much. Some blamed other students for not being prepared; some blamed me. I think it was my fault, in part, and I can deal with that. I need to work on it.
Some students were pleased that I returned material so promptly. Others were annoyed that they never seemed to get feedback. (I was not consistent between classes. I confess. Something else I need to work on.)

The single most common comment was that I was fantastic in that I was always willing and ready to help student outside of class and that I really cared about their progress.
The next most common comment was that I was in some general way wonderful.

And about three students hated my guts with a fiery passion, thought that I should quit my job and get one walking dogs while other people worked, that my voice sounded like a little girl talking to a puppy on Christmas (not sure exactly what that means), and that if class had lasted any longer he/she would have had to shoot him/herself in the head.

Now why is it that those three students are defining my mood? Why can't my mood be equally affected by the positive and the negative comments? Even if they affect me more, say twice as much shouldn't that mean that 26 "she's wonderful!" comments minus three "she sucks!" comments make me feel about the same as getting 20 "wonderful?"

But it doesn't work that way.

I feel like crap.

I want to run away.

I don't want to do this job anymore.

I want to leave the school, do foster care and make quilts.

I don't want to teach today.

I want to be tougher so these things don't bother me.

I want to be better so that students don't say these things about me.

Mostly though I just want to go home and crawl into bed and never get back out again.

Random Photo

In my quest to determine if there is a camera phone that will take decent snapshots, there is this. David took these on his LG env and emailed them to me:

This is a photo from my current phone. It is the first time Andrew voted:

It is nice to have the photo, but the quality is terrible. It doesn't look great small and gets really bad if you make it even a little bit bigger.

The boys

From left to right: Evan, Gary, Roland (distance), Brian

Photo taken with Roland's cell phone (LG VX-8300).

Ann's Story Part 26: Addressing the Fears

Feb. 24, 2004
Email to friend:

I took Ann to an appointment at the agency. Someone "let the cat out of the bag" and I know at least part of what is going on with Mandy and John’s. Mandy and John’s know of some clinic where they diagnose with a "brain mapping" technique. Dr. N (the agency psychiatrist) told me that at the clinic was "outside the mainstream" and that he did not think there was good science behind it. What it all boils down to is that these people claim to be able to do an EKG (or something) and then prescribe just the right medication to solve all your problems. Mandy and John’s want Ann to be "fixed" so that she can come home.

Of course they are not convincing anyone.

Ruby understands my concerns that Ann could become violent if she feels forced to be here. She and Ann spent some time alone doing pro con lists on Ann's choices. Ruby said that she will email me tomorrow, but whatever came of it, Ann came out cheerful. I think that it gave Ann a greater sense of control of her situation.
We will see. I am feeling safer though. Before I was not certain that Ruby was really "hearing" me, but then I had not been as direct and clear as I was this time.

2/25/03
Email to friend

I had a good talk with Ruby this morning. As things move forward Ruby will keep talking to Ann about her choices. I think that Ann is likely to choose to stay here, but I feel better knowing that she experiences that as partly being her choice. I really want her to know that if she does not want to live with us there are ways to communicate that other than punching one of the boys.

I feel much better after last night's meeting. I was beginning to feel worried. I love Ann and if were not for the boys I would not feel conflicted. My attitude would be "bring it on girl. I can handle whatever you throw at me." It is just that I know that she is capable of doing things that I cannot ask the boys to live with. I have said that to you about a zillion times, haven't I?

Part 27

Ann's Story Part 25: Feeling Worried

I don't know if I can explain how deeply the shouting match between my husband and Ann effected me. Roland never looses his temper. Never. Ann pushed him to a place I had never seen him, and she was enjoying it. He was out of his own control, but she was not.

Ann still sometimes said that she could just loose it some day and do something terrible, but she always said that when she was completely calm. Her tone expressed concern for us. It was clearly an attempt to coerce, even terrorize us. I began to think that she would use whatever methods she needed to feel in control of her life and I wanted to make certain that she did not have to resort to violence.

Feb 23, 2003
To the social worker

You know that Ann had been telling me that she thought that sooner or later she would hurt one of us when she was angry. That did stop when we talked to her about and our willingness to call for help if anybody was violent. So I want you to know that I am not writing out of any sense of urgency. I do want to process something though. This is pretty wandering...so bear (or is it "bare"?) with me.

Ann regards this placement as temporary. Ann is so wonderful when she is wonderful and so horrible when she is horrible. She is also capable of being quite violent. Before she moved in I could not imagine her hurting anyone, now I see the moods when she is capable of it. Since our talk, Ann has not threatened violence. She seems to understand that there is a line past which she may not cross. As long as she wants to be here she will not cross it.

I think Ann has very mixed feelings about being here. Mostly she is happier here than when she was at home. Roland says it is clear that she loves me. Though she does not threaten violence anymore, she does tell me that she does not like or does not care about Roland and Brian. She does not complain about Andrew, but the two of them have begun to squabble some. When Andrew, in his quiet way, has been upset with something she has done, she replies in her very loud, intimidating way. Andrew is very mystified by this response. (The other day Andrew said to both Brian and Ann that whoever was eating the apple sauce that I had bought for lunches should not be snacking on them. Brian just said that it wasn't him. Ann got quite emotional and loud and told Andrew that she was not eating them, that she did not appreciate him accusing her of things, and he was not the boss of her and should shut up.) Ann talks about wanting to go home and that she misses Mandy, but it is clear that this happens mostly when she does not want to do her homework. I don't know how much she sincerely misses her. Ann still gets annoyed at other people for looking at her funny, or for smiling, or for standing where she wants to walk, or humming, or existing.

So now to the point. Sometimes I get very worried about what is going to happen when Ann finally realizes that she is not going back to the Mandy and John’s. I don't know if her belief that she is going to go back to Mandy and John’s is an important part of her coping strategy. She is capable of doing things that I cannot ask the boys to live with. She is also capable of deciding not to do those things. I am really not certain about which way she will go. I know that this is supposed to be the permanent plan for Ann, but I am realizing that it will not feel permanent to me until I see how she will respond to it as permanent.

It is possible that Ann will act very violently when she realizes that she is really not going back to Mandy and John’s. If she does, it is possible that she will act out against Andrew and Brian. And that is not acceptable.

I know that the dust has not settled and that you are dealing with stuff that you are protecting me from. So I don't expect you to be able to do anything about this any time soon. BUT, when we are finally ready to do the paper work and make certain that Ann "gets it" I would like her to be given a choice. I want her to understand that choosing to be here means choosing to live with the boys. Siblings all quarrel, and get on each other's nerves, but she needs to commit to trying to get along. I think that it is important that, at least to some extent, she regards this home as something she chooses and that she knows that if she cannot stand it she has alternatives.

Part 26

advice on camera phones

One of the benefits of Gary moving in is that instead of canceling the extra phone line I have the option of getting a new phone.

My darling husband keeps taking every camera we own to school and leaving them there. Now, he will bring my camera back when I ask, but he just takes it again.

So I am wondering, do any of you take pictures with your phones? If so, what do you think of your phone-as-a-camera? Obviously you are not going to have the same photo quality as you would with a camera, but how is it for taking ordinary snapshots of the family?

Oh...I have Veriz*n and I won't be switching, so it does have to be one of their phones.

Reflections on the first home visit

My whole approach with Gary has been different than it was with the other boys. I'm feeling comfortable with it. I don't know if it is better or worse. Part of it is because he is between Andrew and Brian in age.

I'm not making major efforts to get to know him or bond with him. I'm treating him more like he is one of the boys' friends come for a sleep-over. I warned him that if he didn't tell me when he was hungry he would probably starve, that he was welcome to help himself to anything in the kitchen, and then I sort of stayed out of his way. I've been wanting to make him feel comfortable with us, to know what our family is like. I have wanted to avoid the whole awkward blind-date feeling of the first home visit.

I realize I've been treating him more the way Roland treats the kids.

Our interactions have all been positive. I asked him at dinner last night if he had any questions for us. First he said no and then he said that he did. It sounded like it was going to be very important but it turned out to be something like, "Where do you keep the towels?" It made me laugh. I told him when he left today that there are a lot of people involved in the decision about where he was going to live, but that I was going to see if he could come back next weekend and that right now I didn't see any reason why he wouldn't be moving in when school was out.

I think it was good that Evan was here this afternoon. They played video games together for a while. When they got hungry Evan helped him find everything to make a sandwich. Though Gary has been insisting that he doesn't eat much, his sandwich was just as big as Evan's. I think poor Gary had to catch up on some missing calories from the past few meals. It's sad really -- Gary was apparently afraid that if he ate too much we wouldn't want him.

Anyway, Gary got to see me and Evan tease each other. Evan told me that I didn't have the right sandwich meat. I said, "Heh! That's free food you got there, buddy. A little more gratitude and a little less whining." He had some sort of come-back, but I don't remember. Besides, this is my blog and I get to end all the conversations with me having the last word if I want to. Later I reminded Evan to put a plate in the dish washer. "I was going to do it!" "When? After I yelled at you?" "Maybe."

Anyway, all of this was done with humor on both sides, and Gary got to see it.

More importantly though he just got to see that this is still Evan's home. He is twenty, finished with one year of college, looking for a place to rent with his co-workers, and coming back here to live until he does. This is his home and we are his family.

I think it is going to be a while before I get to know Gary. Partly because though I think he is a really nice kid, he is trying to be extra good for us. He is careful not to eat too much, volunteers to help with whatever work anyone is doing, never gets tired of playing with Brian. I'm sure the real Gary is a pretty cool kid, but I think it will be a while before he feels safe coming out into the open.

One of those days

It started weeks ago. I noticed that my wedding ring needed some attention by a jeweler. I took it off and put it someplace safe. I think. The truth is that the last time I clearly remember having it I was sitting in this chair looking at it. No memory after that. So I have been trying to pretend that I am not the least worried about it. I offered the kids a reward for finding it, but it hasn't motivated them to look very hard.

But what does that have to do with today? Well, Roland came and asked me for the car keys that he gave to Brian to give to me yesterday -- the car keys I did not have and do not remember having. Since these are the only keys we have to the car, it is really important that we find them. So we searched. And then we searched some more. And then we kept searching. I walked around in the back yard (where Brian was when Dad gave him the keys). The boys walked around in the back yard. We looked in and under the sofas. We cleaned every surface. We moved furniture.

The boys kept drifting off to do something else and I kept asking them to help again with that controlled voice that means I would really like to shake them until their heads fall off.

And then I went into the bathroom and cried because all these places where we were looking were places where my ring might be and if we weren't finding it I might not ever.

Brian found me, gave me a hug and when I said that I was sorry I was so upset he said, "It's okay Mom. You can be as upset as you want to be. You can be sad for as long as you feel sad." (Don't you love it when your kids give you back your words?)

I went to sit in my favorite chair to mourn the loss of my ring and contemplate the possibility of having to replace the door locks and the ignition in the new-to-us car so that we could drive it again. Evan came home and cheered me up by telling me about how he drove over a curb and might have scratched his car where you couldn't see it. I sat there amazed at the self-absorption of the young. Who else could respond to a woman who is crying about her lost wedding ring by saying, "That's terrible. Let me tell you what happened to my car."

I told Evan that he should tell Gary that this really is about as bad as it gets here. Evan said that it was not as bad as the time when I was carrying a 12-pack of soda and the cardboard tore and sodas went everywhere and I screamed (according to him) and stormed out telling him to pick them up. "When then fell I thought you threw them on the floor and I didn't know why you are so angry at me!"

Roland finally found the car keys next to the picnic table where everyone else had already looked for them. I cheered up a little and told Gary that I was sorry that he had to be here for all the drama. "This is nothing! This is a lot better than the group home!"

"Well, this is about as bad as it gets around here."

"Except for when you threw that case of soda at Evan" he said grinning.

Ann's Story Part 24: Fighting over Nothing

2/23/02 To my friend:

Saturday
We had a difficult morning with Ann. I cannot now remember the series of events quite. I know that Ann really, really did not want to do her chores. Roland and I each got angry at different points. Roland and Ann escalated. Roland tried to tell her that what she had said to him hurt his feelings. She just yelled back that she did not care. I got angry, really angry, that she was talking to him that way and I started to escalate too. I ended up telling her that she lost TV for the day for talking to him that way. She said that she was going to baracade her door shut and I told her that if she did I would take it off the hinges. I tried walking away, but “Hubby” did not follow me and they just kept going.

He was not yelling, he just really wanted to have her recognize his emotions. I was torn between being frustrated at him -- it was so clear that Ann was NOT going to respond the way he needed her too -- and fury at Ann for acting the way she was. I finally went back to Ann's bedroom door, stepped in front of Roland and told Ann that if she finished her chores and was ready by 11:45 I would take her to her community service appointment. "If not, you can stay here and deal with your parole officer." I shut the door. Ann was ready at 11:40. She announced loudly that she was ready to go and stormed out to the car. I sat down and read until 11:45.

--
Sunday (afternoon)
Roland and I talked about what happened with Ann. It turns out that both of us feel that we can handle Ann, but that we both got upset yesterday at the way that she was talking to the other. If we can keep from rushing to defend each other we will be all right.

Part 25

Ann's Story Part 23: It was not always drama

2/17
To my friend:

I'm getting better at not responding to some of Ann's stuff. She whines or fusses and I ignore her...sometimes even going into my room. It works. She has stopped with much of it. She called Mandy this morning to see if she could spend the day there. Mandy told her no, that all the girls were there and she should come sometime when it was quiet. I was pleased to see that. It is the first time that Mandy has not let her visit. I want for Ann to get to see them a lot, but it is good for her to see that it is not all in her control. It is also good to have the message that she should not be spending a lot of time with the girls reinforced.

There is a meeting which has not happened. I spoke with Ruby and she said that the Mandy and John were unhappy and that things were happening that they (the social workers) were trying to keep us out of. She also said that Mandy and John were not returning their phone calls.

I agreed that I did not want to be involved in it, but I am beginning to wonder what exactly Mandy and John are doing. The only thing I can think is that they have contacted the state social worker to complain.

To my friend on 2/19

Ann is home again, still sick. I had to take an hour to take her to the convenience clinic so that we could get a note for her parole officer for missing two days of school. She did not require medical attention, but we had to go anyway. Now I am trying to work and she is supposed to be doing homework. She is incapable of silence though. Roland and Brian are like that. If they don't have anything to say they hum, or make funny noises. I am doing my best to ignore her. I told her that I did not want to talk to me unless she needed help. That lasted about 2 minutes, "I don't want to go to school tomorrow...(heavy sigh)...but I have to. I know what I need to do in history though. And I am talking again and I am not supposed too."

2/21 social worker

I thought you would be interested in knowing about a conversation we had last night.
Ann was supposed to be doing her homework but instead was trying to engage me in a conversation. I consistently just made little throat noises and kept doing my work. Finally she said,
"I want to go home."
"uh huh"
"Can I call my mom and ask if I can visit this weekend."
"Mmm..."
"Yondalla! You are supposed to take pity on me."
"Mmm..."
"Okay...I'll do the homework."
She did do it, and she did not ask about visiting Mandy again.

Part 24

Vist Going Well

Let's see...

Picking him up when fine, although we had some trouble finding the place. The other boys at the group home seemed genuinely happy for Gary.

Next on the schedule was going by the university to get Evan's things. It was probably a good experience for Gary. He got to see me get irritable with Evan twice: once when he gave me impossible directions on the phone and later when he was talking about when he was coming home. He apparently thought he had successfully communicated to me that he wanted to move back this weekend and I thought he was coming on Tuesday. I finally interrupted him and said, "Honey, you are welcome to come. It's your home too. Just tell me when you are coming!" He responded with, "Is it okay? I mean I could come later..." Ugg. (Evan is planning, I think, on coming by after he gets off work in the middle of the night -- unless he changes his mind.)

But the point it is that Gary got to see that I can get irritable pretty quickly, but that it also blows over right away.

We all went out to lunch after and Evan talked about when he thought he would be able to move into this own place. And that was good for Gary to see too. We really do expect these relationships to last.

So far Brian has been completely monopolizing Gary. They do enjoy a lot of the same things, and Gary seems to be having a good time too, but I finally went down stairs and told them that it was great that they were having a good time together and that it was fine with me if that is what they both wanted to do. Then I warned Brian, in front of Gary, that if Gary were to move in as seems likely he was not going to be moving in as a playmate. Gary would have his own friends and his own interests and wouldn't always want to hang with him. Brian insisted that he knew that, but I am not sure that he really does.

I told Gary that we did not expect him to keep Brian entertained. It was okay to tell Brian no. He nodded. I went on to tell him that I really didn't want him to think that he had to do whatever Brian wanted so that we would like him. He smiled and said he understood.

And when I left the room they were still playing on the video games.

So the day is going well.

For everyone except Roland. He set out to mow the lawn for the first time of the season. The lawnmower wouldn't start so he borrowed a friend's. Then Roland broke the gas tank cover and is currently driving to every hardware and home improvement store in the county trying to find a replacement.

Ann's Story Part 22: Getting honest with my friend

Feb. 13, 2003
To my friend:

I am staying home today. I am sort of sick that I hate being around...constantly coughing, blowing my nose, clearly in danger of loosing my voice. When other people are like that I always want to make them go home.

Ruby emailed yesterday and said that Robin thought that the agency people should meet with Mandy and John to make certain everyone understood what was going on...without me! Hurrah! Ann is convinced she is going back and I don't argue.

I am going to curl up and rest. Today is a totally self-indulging day. Tea and afghans.

From my friend…same day:

Where did Ann get the idea she was going back to Mandy and John? I thought it had been explained to her.

To my friend (same day)

Sorry, I forgot to mention that I just learned that when Ann ran into Mandy at counseling Monday, Mandy said that she (Mandy) was doing everything she could to get her(Ann) back. I am certain that that was what was behind Ann's announcement in therapy Tuesday that she was going home whether she worked hard or not.

I told Ruby about the claim last week. That is what started the need to get a meeting together to make certain we were all on the same page. It is quite possible that Ann lied, or at least that she over-represented. Ann may have asked for reassurance, "do you want me to come back?" and then exaggerated in her own mind whatever Mandy had to say.

Here is what I know:
1. Mandy thinks that Ann's problems at her house are entirely due to Ann's attachment disorder, and not at all due to the chaos at her house. She believes that Ann will disrupt here in 6 months or less and will continue to disrupt out of every placement until the agency realizes how deep her problems are, get her into the level of therapy that she needs, after which she may be able to come home. It is because of this that Mandy and John warn me of impending doom every time they see me. "Has it got bad yet? Well, watch you little ones, that is who she will hurt first."

2. Ruby, the rest of the agency people, and the court psychologist all think that Ann has severe attachment disorder, but with strong indicators for recovery. She has never threatened to use a weapon or attack anyone while they were asleep. She has never hurt an animal, etc. They have thought for a while that if they could move her to another environment without traumatizing her she would have an excellent chance of doing well.

3. Ruby and the others think that the best thing is for Ann to stay here indefinitely. Though it is possible that she might be able to go back in a matter of years, but it is not part of the foforeseeable future.

I have thought all along that Ruby may not have been as clear to Mandy as she should be. I am very happy that Ruby, Mandy, and the agency people will all be there, and that I will not. Mandy and John’s are going to be angry and I don't want to deal.

I feel like crap...going back to bed

.

To this my friend replied offering interpretations of everyone's behavior which were funny to me, but unprintable here. She also suggested that I tell her what I really thought.

But I wrote back:

I think you hit on an anxiety that I had not quite formulated at a conscious level. Mandy is holding everyone else responsible. Ann is entirely responsible for her problems, Ruby is to blame for taking Ann away. I am have been working VERY hard at not being a bad guy from Mandy's perspective.

I do think that Mandy has one set of tricks and strategies and when they don't work equally well with all kids she shrugs and blames the kids. It is so hard to understand why she cannot understand that living with those really tough kids is a bad idea for many of the kids. Warning me over and over again that Ann is going to do something horrible is also not helping the situation. That is one of the main reasons that I no longer go in when I drop off or pick up Ann. She and John just piss me off. Plus the fact that I just don't like them very much...even from before all this. Self-righteous, judgmental, pain in the butts.

Now I know you will be proud of me. Ain't sickness great at wearing away all the restraints?

Part 23

Gary Update

I forgot to tell you that at the dinner the other night we talked about Gary wanting to take summer school. I said sympathetically, "Are you behind on credits?"

"No. I'm fine. But my birthday is in the fall and I can graduate before I turn 18 if I take some extra classes."

"You can stay in the program until you are done with high school, you know."

He says he knows and looks a bit uncomfortable.

"Both Carl and Evan stayed with us until their 19th birthdays. I would want you to stay and finish."

He grinned, "Cool. Then I can just relax and enjoy my last summer before I have to get a job!"

---
We are picking him up tomorrow morning. We have to go get him. They are willing to drive him to us, but before they can do that we have to go there and fill out paper work, and the first time we can do that when the right person is there is Saturday morning. We will bring him back Sunday evening.

I will try to schedule as much time with us as possible over the next few weeks, but it will be complicated. Evan is moving back in on Monday or Tuesday and will be staying until he can get his own place (tentatively July 1). Carl is coming in two weeks for Andrew's graduation. The house will be a busy place.

Gary will almost certainly be moving in early June. I told Jo the other day it is as certain as Obama's nomination. There are things that could prevent it, but they are all highly unlikely.