tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post8068829598374086421..comments2023-09-23T02:16:11.746-06:00Comments on Thoughts from a Foster Family: Foster Placement Removal and ConfidentialityYondallahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10375966725096729570noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-28882990725812572142007-11-08T10:54:00.000-07:002007-11-08T10:54:00.000-07:00What wonderful and interesting responses! You are...What wonderful and interesting responses! You are all giving me more to think about, and I will probably write more on this in the future.<BR/><BR/>Atlasien, What you suggest be told to the TTFM is pretty much what was told to her. She found it to be evasive and uninformative.<BR/><BR/>And maybe that is part of the issue. I think sometimes the amount of information we are given doesn't fill up the void, so to speak. It is not a sufficient explanation from our perspectives.<BR/><BR/>And sometimes we may be right about that -- and sometimes we migh just not have all the information.Yondallahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10375966725096729570noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-49063928810726023092007-11-08T10:12:00.000-07:002007-11-08T10:12:00.000-07:00Ironically, I both agree with the post and disagre...Ironically, I both agree with the post and disagree with it at the same time. <BR/><BR/>I know our agency is point blank honest about who they prefer as foster parents. They've said it at meetings. They announced us as the "poster family" at get togethers. They make no secrets about who they want to recruit. <BR/><BR/>And who is that? a youngish mom and dad, traditional value (read Christian, in this area, specifically Baptist), stay at home momma, white, suburbian family with money. Pets, natural kids, etc a plus.<BR/><BR/>Our MAPP class consisted of us, another white couple (retired), one AA couple (retired) and about 8 single AA females. <BR/><BR/>The trainer consistently commented that "we have enough single black women, we need more white families". Over and over. Women whose sexuality came into play were semi-encouraged that they would get the "tough, sexually abused and therfore scared of men" little girls. Older couples were told they weren't sure if they'd get placements- it takes a high energy level to deal with teens and infants/toddlers. They were told they MIGHT be used for respite.<BR/><BR/>I can look around that room and tell you at least 3 women that I bet are better cooks than I am. I heard them talking about holiday plans, and thought, dang-a-lankin, Martha Stewart's got nothing on them.<BR/><BR/>I bet over half are better housekeepers than me- I go from anal about somethings (kitchen) to oblivious about others (the height of grass i the yard being a main one).<BR/><BR/>I understand, to a point, about the benefits of having a stay at home mom/parent. There are a lot of meetings/appts to be met. <BR/><BR/>I understand to a point about wanting gender balance in the home. To a point, in that ideally, in utopia, a child should grow up with a male perspective and a female perspective. I also believe though, that it can often be provided through close friends, grandpas, uncles, aunts, grandmas, etc.<BR/><BR/>I understand that in reality, some bio parents, although unable to parent themselves, have specific desires for the type of home their child will go to. I've heard our agency rep talk about how the parents that call in adn voluntarily place their kids often request families just like ours and are told there aren't any.<BR/><BR/>But at the same time, it makes zero sense to me to tell a family "sorry, we changed our mind" after the child has bonded. And settled in. Regardless of his sexual preference. Would a child leave his natural family because of that? No, they'd be told to work it out. They'd go to counseling, maybe have a few heated discussions, etc. <BR/><BR/>But eventually, love would prevail. The child would learn acceptance where he needd it, as opposed to always knowing that his lifestyle choice or natural feelings (not getting into that debate, thank you very much)weren't acceptable to the very people that claimed to love him.<BR/><BR/>I think that's the hardest thing for me- family is a constantly changing definition. And for kids in care, they need stability. Whatever it is, whatever the issue, won't it teach the child more to teach him/her how to work it out, rather than constantly be moved to a "better" match?<BR/><BR/>Doesn't that create a child that is constantly looking for perfection in others? Doesn't it make that child oblivious to how to deal with tough situations without leaving? <BR/><BR/>I'm scared, that we are teaching kids the "flight" side of flight/fight. And because of that, its why foster kids seem to grow up to go to jail, rehab, or homelessness.<BR/><BR/>Maybe its just my perspective today. It just seems like another way for the kids to get out of having to quote "grow a backbone" and learn to stand by what they believe. <BR/><BR/>Which seems to lead to them becoming lifelong victims, constantly bullied and looking for a way to escape.<BR/><BR/>As you can probably tell, this is hitting close to home for me today. I'm not sure why, just the thought of a family friend who is battling similar issues, I guess. Please no one take me personally- no offense meant. <BR/><BR/>But does anyone else see this pattern developing? <BR/><BR/>(And I do think a lot of it is SW ineffeciency- changing of SW, one is extremely conservative, one extremely liberal, jerking kids around willy nilly because of their personal beliefs as opposed to fact or reason)Stacie Guesswork (aka Mrs Butter B)https://www.blogger.com/profile/17009516649727981277noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-80003861925043069132007-11-08T07:08:00.000-07:002007-11-08T07:08:00.000-07:00You are very wise Yondalla. I appreciate your pos...You are very wise Yondalla. I appreciate your post.<BR/><BR/>I think maybe since i come from an agency and not the county directly I have a similar perspective. I felt insulated from the county , and the agency having ALL the information at most times could deal with them directly and inform of the situation. It was vital that we wroked together because I was the source of their income. They treated me less like a liability and more like a partner. <BR/><BR/>Were they perfect? Nope. Did the state still "screw" me. Yep. They didn't give me or my agency all the information that put my child in danger. I felt like fostercare was our "calling", but that call was soon ended as we knew our family was too important to rely on others for information they said they couldn't give. Legally their hands were tied. I struggle with that because over the years I know workers who crossed the "legal" lines and did thins or said things that were necessary for the care of the foster I had a t the time. Did thopse workers care more? Who knows. Maybe this last worker was a rule oriented person. Maybe she had corssed the line before and been burnt. Maybe she was the witch I thought she was. <BR/><BR/>Regardless, at the time it hurt painfully. I did love this child and he thought he had found an adoptive home in us. Maybe I could've dealt with his issues better had I known the whole story. Maybe my child would not have been a victim. Apparently it was not meant to be.Sherihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16598822471867683429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-56485147491017659782007-11-08T06:36:00.000-07:002007-11-08T06:36:00.000-07:00I still don't see how not telling the foster famil...I still don't see how not telling the foster family the reason for the removal could be beneficial in some cases. Even more, I don't see why not telling the CHILD the reason for removal could be beneficial.<BR/><BR/>In the example you gave earlier, what would be the worst that could happen if the worker had given more info like, "Carl has asked to be removed because there is something about this other family that would fit his needs better, and due to his privacy concerns we can't tell you exactly what that is." In the hypothetical case of Brian... I think when children complain of fears and issues to workers, those issues ought to be shared with the parents. Who else is going to take care of them? Foster kids don't necessarily fall under that rule, but biological children should. The state is not "representing" Brian.<BR/><BR/>When I think about the possibility of a "mystery" removal it honestly makes me never want to do foster care, ever ever ever. And thinking about it from the point of view of a child is ten times as bad. It's better to be angry about what you consider an unjust decree than to live in fear and confusion about WHY this is happening to you and blaming yourself for it. <BR/><BR/>Thanks for putting this in a larger perspective, but I still see it as a terrible injustice. More than anything, it seems to benefit the social workers, who get to avoid confrontations and tedious explanations (and sometimes liability). It reminds me of corporate HR scripts for mass layoffs.atlasienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07242606440109684169noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-5614229683779126442007-11-07T19:27:00.000-07:002007-11-07T19:27:00.000-07:00I never want to discourage comments, but I also do...I never want to discourage comments, but I also don't want this to become a forum for speculating on FosterAbba, FosterEema, Danielle, or possible motivations of the social workers. I understand how this post could lead to that, which is one of the reasons that I debated publishing it.<BR/><BR/>I think the topic of what information we as foster parents should have, what rights we should have, etc. is important and I am interested in hearing your thoughts.<BR/><BR/>Let's please just keep the discussion about the general issue and not about any particular person. The except of course being when the particular person is yourself.Yondallahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10375966725096729570noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-1890383396721083652007-11-07T19:18:00.000-07:002007-11-07T19:18:00.000-07:00This is such a difficult issue. And I actually ag...This is such a difficult issue. And I actually agree with you that in some cases it makes sense for the agencies not to discuss everything with the foster parents. The problem is that in order for that to work, we have to trust that the agencies are making their decisions for the right reasons. That they are doing so in the best interest of a child (foster or bio), or a family structure, or something else that is worth protecting even if it means disrupting a secure placement.<BR/><BR/>I am not as down on social workers in general as FosterAbba seems to be. But as much as I'd like to believe (for Danielle's sake if no one else's) that this removal is for the right reasons, there's just no way to know if that is true. There is no reason to believe that this isn't just a lazy social worker who thinks she can find another family who is less whiny and demanding, or who is prioritizing something like language ability over stability and commitment.<BR/><BR/>I understand why the foster parents may sometimes not be the best people to make objective judgments about what is best for the child. But I do wish that there was a better system in place - some kind of checks and balances - to help make sure that all social workers are making decisions in the way that yours does.sarsmilehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00723926033866806632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-4070207404319991042007-11-07T18:23:00.000-07:002007-11-07T18:23:00.000-07:00If I honestly believed that the state was motivate...If I honestly believed that the state was motivated for concern for the child and that's why they held us to higher standards, I would feel better about it.<BR/><BR/>But really, I think it's about liability... they hold us to a higher standard because they don't want to be sued.<BR/><BR/>And I think they DO have an obligation to tell us WHY a child is being removed. They don't have to change their minds, they may not even have to give us a chance to prove differently, or get services, or whatever, but I think, as someone who is supposed to be part of the care team, we at least deserve to know why.Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08954918065641135178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-40283405662379792932007-11-07T17:54:00.000-07:002007-11-07T17:54:00.000-07:00It's nice that you know you would get the truth. A...It's nice that you know you would get the truth. After reading about Carl I do understand better that there are things that as the foster parent maybe I shouldn't know, but on the other hand, when you have had a child in your home for over a year and they are part of your family, you expect to know, well, everything.Kerryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09235941490505824539noreply@blogger.com