tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post7922761534466920433..comments2023-09-23T02:16:11.746-06:00Comments on Thoughts from a Foster Family: More on FairnessYondallahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10375966725096729570noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-17686283389393903172007-12-11T20:54:00.000-07:002007-12-11T20:54:00.000-07:00"Giving each child what that child needs is treati..."Giving each child what that child needs is treating them fairly -- even when what each child needs is very different."<BR/><BR/>That's very true, and it immediately made me think about your foster sons. Maybe one way to look at it is that they "need" a certain amount of presents, not because they need those specific items but because they need the reminder that they are loved and cared for. Maybe this is similar to your niece's orthodontia - it provides treatment for a problem that not all of your kids have, and therefore it is "fair" that Evan at 20 gets things that you would not give to Andrew at 20.sarsmilehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00723926033866806632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-29350961962381453662007-12-11T19:08:00.000-07:002007-12-11T19:08:00.000-07:00I agree, Yondalla, that parents should do their be...I agree, Yondalla, that parents should do their best to make sure things are balanced, and that only cruelty is served by going out of one's way to be purposefully "unfair" just to teach a life lesson. <BR/><BR/>I also agree though, that it's important to help children (and adult children) understand that everyone's needs and desires are different...sort of along the lines of "well, he got ten presents to your one, but he is a little kid who wanted inexpensive things (blocks, a book, a teddy bear) and you are a teenager who wanted a video iPod. Would you have preferred ten less expensive gifts to unwrap, and not gotten the iPod?" <BR/><BR/>Or even as adults...last year I got several little tchotchkes from Mom (a ruana she wove herself, a cool pair of beaded earrings, etc.) and Youngest Brother needed a fat check to help him out of a financial hole. If we'd been brought up like my poor sister in law, I am sure I would have been jealous that he got FAR more monetary value than I did, and he would have been jealous that he only got a piece of paper, and I got several handmade gifts to unwrap. Instead, I was pleased Mom was financially able to help Youngest Brother, and he honestly enjoyed seeing my pleasure as I modelled earrings and ruana for everyone.<BR/><BR/>My goal at the moment is to help my nieces find the same joy I find in thinking up gifts for others. At 7 and 5, they began to "get it" a couple of years ago, I think, when they gave me a little plate they'd made with their mother, decorated using their handprints as flowers, and fingerprints as bees and caterpillars. I got all tearful, of course (I somehow got extra helpings of sentiment when I was born, I guess!) The older child whispered to the younger, to ease her concern over my tears, "It's ok...Aunt Carolie's happy, not sad. You know you picked the right thing for her if she cries. She really LIKES homemade stuff."<BR/><BR/>As for the foster vs. the bio boys, I can see how there may always be some comparison and a certain blindness to what may be reality, simply due to the insecurities born of their life circumstances beyond your control. I admire how much careful thought you put into gift giving and other situations, and how well you have raised the bio boys to understand the circumstances.Caroliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11637418089860927715noreply@blogger.com