tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post5921763853046460848..comments2023-09-23T02:16:11.746-06:00Comments on Thoughts from a Foster Family: "I'm 18 and you can't tell me what to do"Yondallahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10375966725096729570noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-86077902130686166532011-01-29T21:30:06.219-07:002011-01-29T21:30:06.219-07:00I feel for ya! Mine turns 18 soon and I'm a li...I feel for ya! Mine turns 18 soon and I'm a little worried about the new struggles with her thinking she's now an adult even though she's under my roof and under the state's care. It should be interesting. Since she's already in college, I don't have to worry about the school stuff. I'm just anticipating some power struggles and entitlement attitudes...Crayonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15393268371111696738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-25979402813898460292011-01-24T08:50:55.032-07:002011-01-24T08:50:55.032-07:00So glad to come across your blog. My partner and I...So glad to come across your blog. My partner and I are fostering a 3 year old who came to us 6 months ago. I have really struggled with her "first adolescence", getting myself all worked up over small behavioral things because I thought that I needed to fit in 3 years worth of manners. Absurd, I now realize. I felt like all I did was manage behaviors. <br />She would do something obnoxious and I would scold/punish/offer reward for stopping. Taking her traumatic experiences into account, I started to think that maybe she was simply trying to connect in any way possible. When I changed my focus to building our connection, I saw how much more readily she listened to me and how she is more willing to trust me and hear that kicking others under the table at dinner is not okay because it is painful. <br />I'm still struggling with consequences and rewards. They are so much easier and faster, but I recognize that they are short-lived and that I end up having to revisit the issue over and over again.gmsunshinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17572365511419866967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-19008639930035332962011-01-22T21:31:23.603-07:002011-01-22T21:31:23.603-07:00I have totally been there too! Just this week in ...I have totally been there too! Just this week in fact. Our two boys came home seven years ago. They are 21 and 18. I find they like to show me what they can do. I can smoke cigarettes. I can ask my girlfriend of three days to marry me. And you are completely right about the fact that they've been through worse than we can do to them. Consequences don't work sometimes. I try to be like you. Roll with it. Be there to support them when I can. Help out when help is accepted. And love them anyway.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-54295411120571100122011-01-22T15:42:09.333-07:002011-01-22T15:42:09.333-07:00I can't agree more with your statement: "...I can't agree more with your statement: "that's the thing about raising kids who have gone through real trauma. There really isn't anything we can do to them that compares with what they have gone through." I think it is probably the root of most of our toughest challenges raising traumatized or abused children, don't you? <br /><br />I love your solution/reaction. I am forever reminding myself to "recognize the limits of my influence" which really helps me when they make a choice that I know will carry consequences but that I can't stop them from choosing. <br /><br />Hang in there..... and keep up the giggling!<br />Gail Underwood Parker<br />www.upbeatsanddownbeats.blogspot.comGail Underwood Parkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10033172316686943177noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-77936619479251763102011-01-21T16:51:37.945-07:002011-01-21T16:51:37.945-07:00I so agree with your style (and zunzun). So much g...I so agree with your style (and zunzun). So much grief and drama is the parents/carer/adult about these sorts of situations. There are many many ways to complete an education. Attaching to one particular way, or the usual way can be so detrimental to a relationship.Fihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00915749502700449625noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-87716165886577584412011-01-21T14:12:24.556-07:002011-01-21T14:12:24.556-07:00Thank you zunzun!Thank you zunzun!Yondallahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10375966725096729570noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-80450605897033440102011-01-21T14:04:42.416-07:002011-01-21T14:04:42.416-07:00mean to type the "other DAY someone I know&qu...mean to type the "other DAY someone I know" in that last paragraph!LOLzunzunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01202160546231144260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-73228928968721910002011-01-21T14:01:55.897-07:002011-01-21T14:01:55.897-07:00I don't comment much any more...in case I stop...I don't comment much any more...in case I stop altogether (I've been weaning myself off the net) I want you to know how greatly you have affected (in a good way) the way I'm parenting now...ok...more like the way I'm no longer losing my sanity!LOL! <br /><br />We only have one...with what would be considered "mild" RAD symptoms and Conduct Disorder (and this was killing me...hat off to those w/ full-on disorder symptoms) but somewhere along the way I realized that the way I was parenting was aggrevating the problems AND making me nuts...I don't like feeling nuts (some people thrive w/ drama but I had enough while young so I prefer no drama in my day to day thank-you-very-much) so I started paying attention even if at first it felt counterintuitive to the way I did things!<br /><br />I started w/ the concept of punishment and this was really difficult for me 'cause no matter how hard I tried to disguise it as "consequences" I really was punishing...'cause "I" was angry or frustrated or overwhelmed. A year (or longer) later I still don't have it completely under control but I'm MUCH better at letting natural consequences ensue.<br /><br />Sorry this is so long...it's just that from there I progressed to what you just did in this post....there are some actions that would have sent me into a whirl of reactions trying to "change" the outcome which just added to that "crazy" feeling. It's not like I wash my hands or anything...I still try to guide and help but at the end I'm not driving myself nuts because I've accepted that there is only so much control I really do have. <br /><br />For example...I realized that even if she were to flunk and completely mess up her education (this was a big "issue" for me and one that was slowly driving me insane) she can always take care of it herself using community college or a trade school as an option....I still help, guide and make resources available to her but no longer drive "myself" crazy w/ the "what-ifs?" or how her future will be ruined or forcing her to jump through my hoops. Now I focus on what is important to me that she changes (no bullying and/or hurting others).<br /><br />Anyway...I know it's coming out a bit awkward and disjointed (my brain is tired today) but I'm just glad your blog was around at a time when I found myself needing a different approach and that through it I've learned that my road in parenting a teen-ager (w/ certain issues) doesn't have to lead to a spot in an insane asylum for me (I'm sure I was heading that way)<br /><br />Having said that...the changes I implemented got me some grief from those around me who didn't understand what I was doing (they kept thinking maybe I was no longer caring...I did but ranting and raving, punishing but then saving the kid from dealing w/ the consequences or figuring out how to resolve her own problems was not healthy for either one of us).<br /><br />Interestingly enough I can now recognize in other parents what I was doing myself (and this is w/ neuro-typical "normal" kids). The other someone I know punished her kid but then drove her kid all over the place and I kept thinking "a more natural consequence would have been to make him take care of his transportation needs since what he did is what caused him to be w/out it" - kept my mouth shut though! ;)<br /><br />Thank you!zunzunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01202160546231144260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-3488775352588694802011-01-21T11:45:21.532-07:002011-01-21T11:45:21.532-07:00Great way to handle it! My little boy has a summer...Great way to handle it! My little boy has a summer birthday and I don't want him making life decisions at 17. - so I'll probably regret holding him back for this very reason. Thanks for the post!Penelopehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12189608681287603165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-4889245435090490412011-01-21T10:29:15.614-07:002011-01-21T10:29:15.614-07:00Ditto what Contary said. Yondalla, do you suppose...Ditto what Contary said. Yondalla, do you suppose that by just reading about what you have learned that I can skip some of the hair pulling when my kids start turning 18? ... I wish.Palehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16831665114462726477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21112957.post-1936246936365985152011-01-21T09:50:22.520-07:002011-01-21T09:50:22.520-07:00I love reading about your relaxed parenting style,...I love reading about your relaxed parenting style, post co-dependence. I'm an adult and I'm still trying to get my mother to learn these lessons!contrary_wisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10629585524720425803noreply@blogger.com